But I'm not Wearing Underwear!!

Questions

2010-01-25T23:23:00.000-08:00

First: Is anyone seriously confused by my blogging right now? I'm falling in love with my WordPress blog and I don't know if I'll keep this one up much longer and just transfer all the posts over to the other one and toss this one. Think about it, I'll come back...

Second: If I were to say tell you uhm..."Hey do you like to scrapbook?" And you answer "No, I have a ton of pictures and supplies but no time." And I reply "Well would you pay someone to do it for you?"
What would you say? Okay now what would you say if that person were me?
I've been rattling it around in my head for a while. But I think that I am pretty decent at scrapbooking and I like to do it and if I could actually do it for other people I think I would get more out of it. So let me know okay! You few and seldom readers! Not your fault I know! With all this moving around and changing places, it's my bad.
Anyway there you go. Short and sweet. If you want long and crazy posts just go HERE

Love you all and GOODNIGHT!

Already! I have an answer Already!!

2010-01-19T22:28:00.000-08:00

Dude, I am awesome at persuading people to perform at my wedding. I already got an answer to my email. Now all I need is 50 grand. At least. I figure anyway. You see those ads over there to the left? Yeah start clicking!!! haha!

Here is my original email to the manager of the Dan Band:

On Jan 17, 2010, at 7:01 PM, Miranda Choate wrote:

Okay from the website I see that The Dan Band doesn't do weddings. And I'm sure you still get requests like mine every second of every day. But what I'm wondering is, if I don't have any grandma's would they still not do it? Because it has been a dream of mine to have them at my wedding. Yes I am female. And honestly they would probably fit right in with both families involved.
I would probably die even to get a response to this. And I will start a mini crusade to have the Band at my wedding.
Oh and I have no date set. So this can be life long.
I have no grandmas and my grandpa is too def and cusses like a sailor anyway.
My family is not offended easily and would be so happy that I'm getting married to not even care who was there. Hell if Dan was ordained they wouldn't mind him officiating the damn thing.

Miranda Choate

And here already is the response. I'm emailing this to my mom so she knows her options.

Hello there,
Yes the Dan Band are available for weddings and it can be done one of three ways.
They can perform live as an entire 7 piece band, they can perform live as a 3 piece band and perform to a backing track
or Dan can make a personalized video of one song, either Total Eclipse of the Heart from the movie Old School or Candy
Shop from the movie The Hangover.
7 piece band is approximately $15,000-$25,000 plus air fare, hotels, ground trans, etc.
3 piece band is approximately $10,000-$15,000 plus air fare, hotels, ground trans, etc.
The personalized video is around $1,500.00
Keep in mind, if they perform as a band, we also have 2 to 3 crew members on top of the band, so we are talking about
9-10 people for the full band and 4-5 people for the backing track show.
Please let me know if you have any further questions?
Thank you,
David

My Dream...And The Dan Band.

2010-01-17T18:51:00.000-08:00

I have a dream to have The Dan Band sing at my wedding. So I'm going to find out how much it would cost to book them. And when I have that money given that I'm not 80 by that time, I will get married. No matter what I look like.
Ever since Old School I have loved this guy. He is hilarious and would fit so well for my wedding. Because it would be a big party and everyone cusses anyway!
This is in writing now so I have to keep to it.
Oh I just looked and apparently they don't do weddings because they're afraid of killing grandmas. Since I have no grandmas and my grandpa is too deaf and might not be here when I get married, I'm going to email and beg them. This might have to become a crusade. Anyone care to join me?? Want to start writing letters for me??
info@thedanband.com
management@thedanband.com

Bros a no no for CoCo!

2010-01-13T21:13:00.000-08:00

I know I should be posting something about how I donated $500,000 to the Haitians or whatever but I don't have that kind of money. And I'm not being mean about this. But all I can do about Haiti is say "that sucks"
But instead I just wanted to say this:

Psst! Hey you!

2010-01-06T14:30:00.000-08:00

Remember me? Yeah I'm the one trying to confuse you with too many blogs!
Head on over to My OTHER Blog I'm on my sixth post! Amazing right?! I've made it to day six! I however am just doing them a day at a time because I honestly don't have enough topics to write out several blogs and save them for later dates.
So yeah, still going. I have a weird work schedule, and have yet to work on my transcriptions but hey I get paid tomorrow. And I might be shoe shopping! Oh not fancy shoes, I'm going to get some Nike Shocks to help my feet feel a little better at work. I was also going to look into those Rebok easytone shoes, you know the ones that make your butt look better...but I'm willing to bet a lot of money they don't have them in my size. I think those ones would be better then the Sketchers because no offense to people with back problems or club feet but the Sketchers look like they're made for people with those types of problems. I think it's the high heel.

Anyway! get on over to my other blog right now! I've said some pretty funny things. Okay maybe not but hey you read this one, you're bound to like the other one!

Trying out a NaBloPoMo Again...

2010-01-01T19:09:00.000-08:00

So I signed up to do a blog a day a month but the twist is this: I'm pulling double duty. I'm going to keep this one up but not EVERY day. My "every day blog" will be at this place: My New Blog and depending on if I can keep up with both by the end of the month I'll see which one I like better.

The theme for NaBloPoMo is "Best" And I know that I've asked for help before, but this time I'm serious. I want to do something like "The Best Email chain from a friend" or "Best Memory from..." "my best mistake" (haha) But as you can see I need HELP. So I want some suggestions of the "best of" for my blog. I want to get this done this month really badly! And I also want to try out WordPress to see if I like it better then Blogger. So I need feed back and what not. Keep in mind that it is a work in progress over there and it is a lot different then Blogger, so I have to figure out how to keep everything going.

I'm really nervous about switching because I finally have more then a couple followers and I hate to confuse everyone right off the bat. So if it gets confusing again, let me know and I will gladly do whatever you want me to do. Because that's who I am, I'm a people pleaser.

Leaving 2009 Behind

2009-12-29T14:43:00.000-08:00

It's about that time. Where everyone writes the obligatory post about what they are going to do for the new year. Or what they hated/loved about the year past. So what should I do?
I've never been good with "New Year Resolutions" I also don't do so well with Lent. Because I don't stick to anything. I am definitely not a self motivator.

Side rant...I can not spell definitely without help from spell check. This then will be my first NYR:
Learn to spell definitely. And now that I have typed it out multiple times it looks weird. Kinda like the word Stripe.

As I'm sitting here eating Fritos and this awesome ranch/cottagecheese/sour cream dip, I'm wondering why I have a weight problem. No, I kid. I'm wondering what the hell happened in 2009. Lots of shitty things happened to people, and for me too, I'm not leaving myself out of this.
I will point out that I have had this blog up and running now for almost a year. I'm wondering where to go with this, if I just want to keep it as a rambling nonsensical blog that's just for me and I allow you to peek in on it on occasion. Or do I want to delve deep and turn this into something that is coherent.
But what would I do? I mean I'm all scattered so there's got to be a way to limit myself and direct this blog towards something. I just don't know what.
And then I ask myself.. "why?" Why do I want to change? Why not stay the same, being this way hasn't sucked too terribly bad. I have more readers then I did when I first started.

Side question: How does one sustain themselves by being a Professional Wind Boarder. Honestly.

Oh and just to warn you I am going to attempt a blog a day in January. The theme is "Best" I need some topics. But I'm not going to do this on THIS blog. I'm going to shift over to my newish/other blog. I'll give you all the address when I get to it. I will link it on my page as well. I want to keep this one as my rambling nonsense and use that one for my NaBoPoMo or whatever the fuck the letters are. I will also do a post on here...on occasion. If you're lucky. Right now I have a topic in mind and if I can pull it off I think it will be hilarious.

Okay I think I might be done with this ADD post today. I really have way too much going on in my pea brain to actually sit down and type it out.

Here's why I suck as a salesman

2009-12-26T20:52:00.000-08:00

I'm getting worse as I go with my Transcription. I don't know why, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. But apparently I cannot do it. Every assignment comes back worse then the one before. I get all the medical words right, but can't seem to figure out where and when these people want commas. I've been rereading the chapter on grammar and still haven't figured it out. So I'm apparently wasting 3 grand on something that I am apparently not cut out to do. Which is AWESOME! Good thing my job at the mart is going so well, if anything I can climb the ladder there! YAY! Just what I always wanted to with my life! RETAIL! ugh. Sorry. I just don't know what to do or where to turn to now with this stuff. I don't understand why it's so nit-picky.

I am so not in the mood to blog. It's sad. So I'll leave you with this...a little Christmas Day video.

Pictures from the new Camera

2009-12-22T20:03:00.000-08:00

Okay he's contained, safely in the bathtub, yeah, yeah tell me how safe that is. I'm right out side the door and I keep yelling at him anytime he's quiet. Oh and I keep telling him not to drowned I know that helps too.

So! here are some pictures from the new camera. I want to show you all what I had for dinner the other night and share with you my awesome "lil' smokies" dinner. hahaha....(I'm totally mocking all of you that do "recipe" posts right now. I am)

First start with a package, or two, or three of awesome little Smokies. mmmm....little smokies...

Then add your favorite BBQ sauce. I go with Original because I'm boring. And lame.

Now this is the tricky part...Put these two important ingredients into a pot, TOGETHER. Okay wait, You need to remember to keep this at medium to medium low. Because if you walk away with it on medium high, the bottom will burn to shit and you will loose half the smokies...I ~~don't~~ know this from experiance...or anything...

Mmmmmm look at those little smokies!!

So there you go, there's my awesome reciepe for Little Smokies. And now some other random photos from the new camera.

Here's Oscar "petting" his "caterpillar" or french fry as normal people call them.

He's in training to be a P.J. Party DJ. Yup yup.

This is honestly the BEST picture I have ever captured of a cat. Do you see her tongue sticking out?! Are you kidding me?! The whitness of the fur throws off the exposure but whatever. I don't have photo shop. Any rich twitter friends wanna send me that?

So this camera has already proven itself to me. Go back through and look at previous photos. Can you tell the difference between 2 megapixels and 6? Because I kinda can, and I am no photographer.

Typing Quick Before the Kid gets into anything else...

2009-12-22T15:50:00.000-08:00

Seriously I haven't been on the Computer in two days. Because every time I tried Oscar would get into shit. Like right now? Okay a little bit ago, he was in his grandma's bathroom, elbows deep in the toilet playing with a toy. Awesome! Before that he was in her room messing with god knows what. He said he was "drinking water" but I don't believe it for a second. At this moment I have no idea what he's doing. And that scares the crap out of me.

I don't know what's up with me but I haven't been liking being on the net or the computer lately. I think it's because I'm mad at my Medical Transcription class. They're total bitches about grading and make me feel like I was never taught how to write a sentence. I have even reread their chapter on grammar 5 times now to figure out what the fuck I'm doing wrong every assignment. I have yet to figure it out. Seems as though they change the rules for EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ASSIGNMENT. So why train at all? If the rules are different for EVERY different transcription what the hell am I doing here?? And the shit that they get me on is REDICULOUS and doesn't change the structure or meaning of the fucking sentence.

I apologize for all the f bombs. I know I don't really throw them around that much, but as you can see I'm super angry at the moment. If it wasn't an online class I would go into someone's office and punch a bitch right in the face. I swear to God.

Other then that life has been super fantastic. Everyone is home with my parents except me. So I'm throwing myself a pity party here. I'm a saaaddd Randa. We're supposed to go over to my Aunts for Christmas dinner so that should be ~~interesting~~ fun. Work is going splendidly I got notice that I am now a permanent employee, and my mother already has her delusions of grandeur for me. "You'll be upper management in no time!" She's the only mom who would be proud that her daughter is a manager at a W.M. So yeah, I still like going into work, everyone at this one is actually pretty pleasant to work with. So I guess that's a plus. And paying bills feels really good.

I got a new camera from a super cool Twitter friend, that I can not stop bragging about. It's been tons of fun taking pictures, and I've already sucked a set of batteries dry. Which apparently isn't hard to do! But hey I've got a lot of random picture of Oscar now! YAY! He ~~hates~~ loves the camera.

Anyway I need to get going, I typed this furiously and fast to get it all out there, and now it's back to chasing and yelling at a kid who doesn't seem to want to just sit still for just half a freaking second.

Friday List Day is back...100 things..

2009-12-17T23:02:00.000-08:00

We're going back to basics on this one. If you need to catch up go here... 100 Things Chapter 1 and then here... 100 things part Dos

Okay here are the early years of Randa Dawn...

70. For, I believe, at least one year of my life I was Wonder Woman. I have told this before but I like to brag. I mean I watched the show (I remember an episode where WW was spinning around tied up in a chair to transform). I wore under-roos that had the stars on the butt and the top like W.W. And I would not answer to Miranda, or Randa. When I was almost done with the phase, my awesome uncle made me wrist cuffs, headband and lasso (Lassoop, I called it) and I was thrown right back in. Mom was "overjoyed" to say the least. The sad thing is, there is only one picture of me as W.W. and that was a Halloween picture from preschool. Mom thinks that the reason she has no evidence was because she got wrapped up into watching me play this character she forgot to record it.
69. I used to also pretend to be a dog. So much so that I wore holes in the knees of every pair of pants I had. The went on well into 3rd grade.
68. I would pretend to be a dog in Church and I barked at the Priest, and I also lifted my leg to a pew...My sister was so glad to be related to me.
67. My best friend when I was in kindergarten to 4th grade was a boy named John. I would say his last name but then you would google him and get to make fun of him about how we used to play My Little Ponies and SheRa all the time. That's right. He had the greatest room EVER. It was huge! I want to go back to that house to see if it really was, or if it was because I was small.
66. He stopped being my friend in 4th grade, and we were never really friends again, and I never really knew why. It was probably because I turned into a total bitch.
65. I met John's "roommate" at a friend's wedding a couple years back. He wanted dirt about him, I told him about the ponies. It came as no surprise to him because apparently John is gay. I had no idea, honestly. The last time I saw him he was a total Frat guy. I also told his roommate to make sure that if John tried to say that the Ponies were his sisters, to call him on it. They were his. He even had the castle. Man I miss those days.
64. One day when my mom went to the store my sister was being mean to me so I packed up all of my ponies and "ran away" all the way to the weird fern bush in the front yard, where I pretended I had a fort.
63. I don't have many memories before the second grade. I can remember my first grade teacher, but nothing about the first grade.
62. My first memory of school though was getting pushed in the swings by my sister's friend and thinking that I was going to go over the bar.
61. My first second grade memory was of two boys talking about my friend who was "the new girl" and how she was "the cutest girl in the class." That always made me jealous, but I still liked her.
60. That friend and I would go on to get into a lot of trouble together. Not real trouble just dumb stuff.
59. I would play pretend so much by myself that I hardly remember much of my family when I was little.
58. I used to fall asleep before dinner and then get woken up by my sisters and think it was the next day.
57. My sisters liked to get me to talk in my sleep a lot too. They would ask me questions, which would end up getting me hit by one of them.
56. I never noticed until a little while back but my mom had a pattern to our names...The girls had M names, with the middle name having 4 letters, and the boys had A names. Which is interesting because my dad has an M name(well not his "given" name) and my mom has an A name. hmmm.
55. My grandma used to say "Colder then a Witches Tit" and I never knew that was a bad saying until one day we went to the grocery store and I said it really loud and she shooshed me. I didn't know WHY it was a bad saying, until High School. Yeah, I'm slow.
54. I was the typical shy 3 year old, but when someone asked me "What does your mom call you" I said "Her little food and farter." My mom's proudest day with me.
53. I was the shortest girl in my class until I think 7th grade. Then everyone stopped growing and I kept going. I still wish I wouldn't have stopped at just 5'9" though.
52. Oh! I got a wart on my tonsils! Right around the time my youngest brother was born. I remember mom was gone and I had to get a shot in my butt. And it actually choked me, I remember not being able to breath at times. My oldest sister told me that she told dad that I stopped breathing and he said "Oh she's just snoring" and then I got the shot...Then I had to go to Bend, (Closest big town) to the doctor and he went in and snipped it out, then teased me. He asked if I wanted to keep it and I was all for it, but no, I didn't get to keep my tonsil wart.
51. I only had one boyfriend before meeting Jesse. His name was Jason, and I was in the fourth grade. My sister told me he was using me for our Nintendo. He broke up with me because I wouldn't wear a stupid bracelet that he bought me. I also never kissed him. I wasn't very sad that he broke up with me.
50. We had a Cocker Spaniel named Muffin, who would follow me to the bus stop almost every day. She also laid in the middle of the road a lot, but never got hit by a car. I also had another dog named Rascal, who "ran away" or so THEY told me, but then when I was older my oldest sister said "Oh he probably got ran over or something." They're so cruel to me.

There you go, some history...Next time...Who knows where I'll take this list!!

Total Blogging Block

2009-12-17T13:13:00.000-08:00

I need some help. I need something to blog about and I've got nothing, I really want to write SOMETHING but my brain isn't working. It must be because I don't get to hang out at home and surf the internet all day. Who knows. All I know is right now I've got NOTHIN'
But if I have to say something I will say this:
Get your ass out there and watch The Hangover. Single handedly the funniest movie I've seen in a long time. I had tears running down my cheeks by the end of it.

Saturday Night Live

2009-12-13T21:49:00.000-08:00

Hey people it's Sunday. Is anyone going to berate me into eating less? Because I did. I have started cutting my portions down again to try and get to normal sized meals. I'm starving.

So I missed Saturday Night Live and I missed one of the funniest skits ever. Seriously it's one of my top contenders.
Kristin Wig is awesome.

Oh and then there's this one, with Christopher Walken, who I love whenever he's on SNL...

So with that start I'm going to try and weed my favorites down to 5 favs.
Starting with Will Ferrell. I love all the cheerleader skits that he does. Actually I love everything that Will Ferrell does. He's awesome. And I miss him on SNL.

I could add tons and tons of the new digital shorts, including Mother Lover, Dick in a Box, Lazy Sunday, but here's one of my favorites.

And of course I cannot make this list without putting my love Chris Farley in it, seriously any skit he was in was awesome, and this is just the one that everyone loves, and quotes the most:

Hold on a moment, I'm verklempt, talk amongst yourself.

And here is my lover...I mean Justin Timberlake with Kristen Wiig as the "Target Ladies" too freaking funny.

Oh and an extra because I love Eddie Murphy and the old school...

A bit of the Christmas Cheer to you!

2009-12-09T18:31:00.000-08:00

So since I have no decorating sense I leave it to my mother who for several years now has had "themed trees" every Christmas. I put in a call to her the other week and got in return her 1997 theme of Gingerbread men. I know that it was 97 because on the back of the gingerbread men there's a date. And I must say that I think it's pretty stinking cute. We went and got just a little tree. We didn't want to over do it our first year out. Got the lights on it and then with some "help" from a three year old we got the thing decorated, all while listening to Bing Crosby sing Christmas Music.
Here's the proof. Oh and BTW these were taken by a real camera! A camera that is now MIA because my son is obsessed with it and I'm sure has stashed it somewhere.

And no we didn't clean up around it before I took pictures. Oh and I have decorations around the windows now. Yes I'm getting in the spirit!
Now off to form a search party for the missing camera!

100 things About Me...Part Dos

2009-12-08T22:56:00.000-08:00

Part 2 of my 100 things about me.
To catch up simply read the entry below this one or click here! 100 Things

Weird/Gross Things That I'm admitting.
79. I bite my nails. Really bad.
78. I have bit my toe nails. (recently??)
77. I chew/smell my hair. It's a weird compulsion thing that I have done forever. I like to smell my hair. I do chew on it, but I don't swallow it, oh and I hate having a single hair in my mouth. That's weird.
76. Awkward situations in movies/shows make me uncomfortable.
75. I fart all the time. But not in public. I gross Jesse out all the time. Yet he still likes me!
74. When I was in school, High School, and before, I would NEVER go to the bathroom at school because I was afraid the fire alarm would go off and I would have to run out with my pants down.
73. I was petrified of the fire alarm until 6th grade. Even after that though, I wouldn't go to the bathroom.
72. I had a dream recently that a dog was trying to hump me. And not my leg, but actually trying to hump me.
71. I don't poop very often. Like sometimes I can go three days before I have to go. I have always been like this.

100 Things about me...You're in for it now...

2009-12-05T22:49:00.000-08:00

I just saw a good way to break this up into sections that I can manage. And I think I'll do it in steps, so you keep having to re-read things...ha!!

Me...Where I came from, (family)
100. My mom and dad have been together for almost 40 years. Don't know if they should be but they are!
99. Lots of people who know me know this...I have 2 older sisters and 2 younger brothers.
98. I'm "bigger" then both my sisters. Taller and fatter. I'm awesome!
97. I'm "bigger" then my youngest brother. Not taller though. Just fatter. We were at one time an equal amount away from 200lbs. But instead of going down I keep going up.
96. My family is all above average height.
95. My mom had ten kids in her family.
94. My dad had 3.
93. Due to my mother's awesome memory, I have 3 birthdays. Well due to my dad too. My real one is on August 2nd. But mom gets confused because my brother's b-day is on the 4th...of January, and by the time August comes around she forgets and thinks mine is on the 4th. Then one year my dad thought my birthday was on the 10th, which is my nephew's birthday. So when I turned 19 I ended up being 21. And got a beer from my sister for it!
92. All of us except my baby brother, who's not really a baby, has kids. I'm the only one with just one.
91. Oldest sister has 3 boys. I don't know their ages. Just the oldest because well he's been around the longest!
90. Second oldest has two. Girl/Boy combo
89. Oldest brother/younger, has two. Boy/Girl combo.
88. I was the oldest when I started having kids. At 27.
87. I've said this before, but I grew up in one house. Mom, dad and oldest sister moved there and then never left. I don't think they'll ever leave. Unless one of us wins the lottery!
86. My parents never smoked. My mom swears she's never tried weed.
85. Might need some back up on this but I think ALL of my siblings and I have "tried" weed.
84. One of my dad's favorite movies is Easy Rider.
83. We all have a very dry sarcastic wit, that we got from our dad.
82. We all have a very sick sense of humor, that we got from my mom's side of the family even though she tried to keep us from getting it by keeping us from her family.
81. We are all super competitive. Yet we all have low self-esteem. Mom has yet to figure out why.
80. When we were all older we pissed dad off so bad that he stopped going to church with us. On Christmas Eve.

Next time: Weird/Awkward things I'm admitting.

My Thoughts for the day

2009-12-04T09:52:00.000-08:00

I think all this nonsense about "interviewing" people on blogs is just a contest to see which blogger is this witty-est. Yes I know that's not a word. But really it all seems like a pissing contest to me. "My questions are funnier then yours!" "yeah well my interviewee is a better blogger then yours!"
Really this is just because I'm jealous because I'm not a famous enough blogger to be interviewed and I really am not a good enough journalist to actually interview anyone.Maybe I'll do it anyway...who wants me to question them?!

Oh and a thought about my last post in which I said that I would have
Eminem
Mariah Carey
Beyonce
Ben Folds
Josh Groban.
I have to expand. And probably take out Beyonce. Because honestly I only like her most recent CD. And her music isn't diverse enough for me to really enjoy.
Eminem I would love to have because he changes so drastically yet stays the same from his very first CD to now.
Mariah well because I love her. And she has a lot of CDs to listen to.
Ben Folds because really? He's awesome, I saw him live and I loved him.
Josh Groban, because I like singing in Italian!
I think I will trade Beyonce for Red Hot Chili Peppers. Yeah! That makes me hip right?! Because that's what I'm going for here. HIP. Wait, no, Outkast. Yes! I love Outkast.

CDs that I would not have(and my reasons):
Dave Mathews Band-I have NEVER liked this band. And yes I went to college. I can't stand his voice. He was funny on SNL but still don't like his music.

Bob Marley-I am not technically a white person because I do not like Bob Marley. I don't even really like reggae music all that much. I'll listen to it if it's on, but I'm not going out to reggae concerts.

U2- I know I'm not the only one to had Bono and his stupid sunglasses. I hate them. Like vehemently. More then I hate the word Hubby.

Pearl Jam-Do they sing "Don't call me Daughter?" because that's the dumbest song ever.

Pink Floyd-I don't have an explanation, just never got into them, never liked it.

The Beatles-Now I like a couple songs. I will sing a long because my mom had their album and yes I know some lyrics. But if I were a fan of Rock Band I wouldn't go out and buy the Beatles version. They're not that great!

Jack Johnson-he reminds me of this soccer player I knew in college. Total bone head.

Because Aunt Becky Told Me to.

2009-12-03T11:36:00.000-08:00

I'm not doing this really to enter a contest because I just told someone in a comment that I've only entered one contest before. And NOW I'm a big fat liar. But honestly I like Aunt Becky and I might just maybe have a crush on her. (I'm one of many in a very long line) Anyway! She had this little youyou on her blog and wanted her commenters to post them on their blogs about them and then link it from her comments or something like that I can't remember and I didn't read it all. I just cut and paste. haha! Okay! Here! These are my answers!

1) Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream?
Like all the time? No just when I'm at a buffet (pronounced buff-it) because it's the law at a buffet to get sprinkles on your ice cream.

2) If you had to choose one word to banish from the English language, what would it be and why?
Hubby. I don't know if technically it's "real" word but I hate it. I think it's dumb. Call your husband by his name when you talk about him. Everyone knows that he's your "hubby" shut it already.

3) If you were a flavor, what would it be?
What flavor would I be? I got called "white chocolate" a couple times in my life because I supposidly was a white girl "Trying to act black" but I didn't really "try" it just was the way I was. So I guess I would be white chocolate, but I don't personally like white chocolate so I think I would have to be Neopolitan.
4) What’s the most pointless annoying chore you can think of that you do on a daily/weekly basis?
Hmm this is a hard one because most of my "chores" are boring, but not pointless. My least favorite chore is cleaning out poopy underwear.

5) Of all the nicknames I’ve ever had in my life, Aunt Becky is the most widely known and probably my favorite. What’s your favorite nickname? (for yourself)
My favorite nickname has to be Chode. Because it started out as a horrid thing and then turned into a name I love and get all mushy when my friends call me it.I also like RandaDawn because it made me feel a little closer to my dad when he called me that. When I worked for him he never said "Miranda will help you with that" he always said "RandaDawn (all at once like it was one word) will help you with that." It was cute and made me feel like a little kid when I was 22.

6) Your stuck on a desert island with the collective works of 5 (and only five) musical artists for the rest of your life. Who are they?
Eminem
Mariah Carey
Beyonce
Ben Folds
Josh Groban
(I am soo not a hip mom...)

7) Everything is better with bacon. True or false?
That is the God's honest truth right there. EVERYTHING is better with bacon. No futher talk of it either. mmmmm bacon....

8 ) If I could go back in time and tell Young Aunt Becky one thing, it would be that out of chaos, order will emerge. Also: tutus go with everything. What would you tell young self?
"That your third grade teacher was wrong and you can be just a mom, and be happy doing it."

Holding YOU all acountable. OR Wordy Wednesday Posted on Thursday.

2009-12-03T10:26:00.000-08:00

Uhm so do you remember when I said that Sundays were going to be about me and my working out? Yeah did you notice that the Sundays after I said that, there was no mention of my weight or anything? HELLO? You were all supposed to hold me accountable! I can't be left to my own devices here people!
So I haven't done anything. I tried. And now I can see how terrible my core really is because bagging groceries for 7 hours sucks. And I was kinda loosing my breath last night because my back hurt so stinking bad. The muscles were burning. BURNING!!!
So what if it's "wordless Wednesday" here's my words! (Edited because I didn't get this posted till today, Thursday)
Ring- Jesse decided out of the blue on Monday to take me to a jewelry store and pick out a ring. He gave me a limit, a rediculous limit and I blew right by it. The ring is on layaway perfect poor people's love story. There was no proposal linked to the ring. We haven't discussed that part. I have been told by my eldest sister that the wedding will happen "when your sisters get off their asses and plan it." and I added "and pay for it." Because I am not paying for it. We just had to put out money for the damn ring.

Poop- Oscar was doing really good about pooping in the potty all by himself. And then something went terribly wrong. And four days now pooping in his unders. Nothing makes me gag quicker then poopy unders. Well there is something but I won't go into it. I hate poop.

Work-Has been a lot of fun. I like all the people I work with and I have to say that there isn't a lot of good dental hygiene going on at the store. But they're nice people! Oh and having one car for three working people sucks balls. big time.

Crap, I'm already out of words. Maybe this is why they call it wordless Wednesday, because no one has anything to say.

So What if I can't post every day?

2009-12-01T12:37:00.000-08:00

You all know that I'm not a writer right? So therefore I do not have the stamina to write EVERY single day in one month. I'm proud of how many post I did do though. I broke previous records. And I am trying harder now to write more often. So there!
Thanks to Renegade Moms for sharing this badge. I am displaying it proudly!

Stolen Meme...

2009-11-30T10:28:00.000-08:00

On my blog stroll today I saw that http://www.mommyisrocknroll.com did a meme and well it has some good questions and some that I don't think I've answered before. So I'm stealing it!! Thanks!

Name someone with the same birthday as you:
I had to google it. I did one of those birthday things on Facebook one day and I could have swore they said Hitler had my b-day but, he's not on this list. Uhmm so there's a lot of Athletes though. Which is interesting, I guess.

Where was your first kiss?
Where? Uhm I think it was in Burns, and I think it was with some guy who was like 10 years older then me. Oh and it was when I was19. yeah, so?

Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?
hehe. Maybe. If by vandalize you mean wrap in caution tape. Oh yeah and in high school my cousin and I put a tampon that we doused in soda on a guy's antenna on his car and he blamed it on someone else.

Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
Uhh yes yes I have. I punched a boy in the face at a party. Apparently "it made the sick sound" He was calling me names and I was done.

Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?
Yes, I had to sing Kareoke to get out of paying an $81 bar tab. Ice Ice Baby.

What's the first thing you notice about your preferred sex?
Necks. And the way they dance.

What really turns you off?
A smelly sack.

What do you order at Starbucks?
I don't really go to Starbucks. I'm not a coffee drinker and I don't have money. Sorry to be a downer.

What is your biggest mistake?
Not using my University to my advantage. Sure I made wonderful life long friends, but I should have maybe looked into the schools mentor-ship possibilities a little more.

Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
Like, am I a cutter? No I'm not. But I hurt myself emotionally a lot.

Say something totally random about yourself:
My boobs like to hide in my armpits.

Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Never. Never Ever.

Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows?
I'm watching Hoodwinked at this very moment.

Did you have braces?
Yes, in 8th grade until almost the end of ninth.

Are you comfortable with your height?
I'm 5'9" I'm comfortable with it but I always wanted to be taller.

What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you?
I don't know. I'm not a romantic type of girl.

When do you know it's love?
When you try and shove him away really hard and he doesn't budge.

Do you speak any other languages?
Uhhh no. I took Spanish in high school and College and the only thing I got out of my college course was a crush on two different boys. ha!

Have you ever been to tanning salon?
Hell no, my skin is too sensitive for that stuff.

Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yeah from SLC to Wendover, NV. Fun times!

What's something that really annoys you?
Bad drivers. And open cupboards.

What's something you really like?
Movies.

Can you dance?
Yes, yes I can, and not like a stripper. But not like a dance team member either. The only choreography that I could ever follow was a kata...I tried out for dance team but found out that I was not a choreograph kinda girl.

Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
Nope. But I did make emergency room nurses tear up.

Painless right? I know I'm awesome.

Because I have nothing to write...

2009-11-28T12:58:00.000-08:00

I've been seeing a lot of "Wordless Wednesday" posts. But since I don't have a lot to say today, I'm going to post pictures, for my very own "Wordless Saturday."

Look at those cute pajamas! They're from my friend Leslie's mom.

The only time I can get him to look at the camera is to surprise him.

Do you see how I need a new camera? This is Oscar screaming at Jesse, right before he slapped him. He has started to really like screaming lately.

He put his unders on his head. And then kept them on there for a while.

Look at this kid! He's watching Little Einsteins.

We got a box of tupperwear for 5 dollars! And they're the best toy Oscar has gotten lately!

Thank You Little Einsteins and I hate You!

2009-11-24T10:23:00.000-08:00

I'm not talking about the now defamed "Baby Einstein" but The Disney Channel's "Little Einsteins" which is now Oscar's very favorite show. I just had to pause right now to restart another show. All I hear all day long is "Linestien?!" (That's how he says it, no my kid is not smarter then yours, he can't pronounce Einsteins) So I turn it on and for a half hour at a time I can get something done. Yesterday I got to talk to my "adviser" for school for a whole 18 minutes before he started yelling at me. Thank goodness we can barely afford the DVR, I'd be screwed. I think he has more shows recorded on it then I do. I have yet to get to watch my Monday night shows because well yeah I had to work on stuff for my class and well this keeps him entertained.

I'm almost half way done with my class! I'm so excited! If I can get it done before February I'll be all good to go! I'm giving myself that dead line so I can get a job before my temp assignment gets done with my other work. I'm trying really hard not to get frustrated with it all, but it's really hard. The thing is the rules change for EVERY assignment. And the "advisor" told me that. "well you can't do the same thing on every assignment." What kind of sense does that make? Then why do they have "rules" if everything changes every time?? And when I think that I've got it and it's good. It's not. And it's only getting harder. This next assignment I have to get an 85% or better on it. UGH! And for the midterm I have to get that the FIRST time around. No do overs. I don't think I'll make it. But to me it just doesn't seem practical. Especially after talking to other people that are transcribing for doctors right now.
Well on that lovely note, I have to get going and work on my next assignment. I have to get it in by tomorrow. Gotta stay on schedule!

If I won the Lottery...

2009-11-19T14:35:00.000-08:00

First off I promised that once I got paid I would start playing the lottery...I did.
And this is what I would do with my winnings....
First I will be selfish, these are the selfish things I'm going to be doing:
Paying off all our debt.
Buy a house in the old neighborhood and remodel it to what I want it to be and decorate it sensibly. Not lavishly. I will not pack my house with shit just because I have money.
I will however have a gigantic garage.
Hybrid Tahoe
Nissan Skyline
Chevy Camaro
A big ass RV
Then while the house is being remodeled we would take a vacation and see all of my friends. ALL of them.

Second I would give my family the following:
Pay off all of their debts.
Buy Barb a house and a car of her choice.
When I say debt I say house payments too.
And if they don't have a house I will buy one, and pay their taxes.
(listen don't talk to me about "taxes" and all, I know the stipulations this will get worked out seriously if I did)
Okay back to it.
I would also buy them transportation of their choice, and pay their bills for at least 5 years.
I would also fund any kind of random "biz" they got into...okay that is a lie.

For my mom and dad...
I would pay off everything. Absolutely everything. I would buy my dad an old corvette that he's been wanting and fund the whole thing to re-build it. I would give my parents anything they wanted. I would basically set up an account and just pay all of their bills all the time. Just so they would not have to worry about anything anymore. Oh and I would let my mom shop OFF the sales racks. So she wouldn't have to wait for that shirt she loved to go down to $15 from $45.

When it comes to my friends this is what I would do. Since most of my friends went to college, and grad school and med school and law school. I would pay off ALL of their student loans. And then I would pay for all of them to gather at least once a year somewhere for a yearly reunion. And pay for everything.
They would get anything they wanted. I would also pay their bills for them for at least a couple years if they needed me to.
Leslie and I have a special arrangement since we've talked about this. I would buy a store for us, a yarn store/scrapbooking store. But we wouldn't sell anything, we would just have it to have all the merchandise. Well we would sell stuff if people came into the store. But we wouldn't try to sell anything. Oh and our store would be called: "Yarny-Yarny Cut-Cut" (I have copywrited that so don't try and steal it, I know you want to!) We also have an arrangement that I would buy her a house, and the taxes on it. And give her a monthly allowance. (She better do the same for me if she wins the lottery)

These are the places that I would travel to if I won the lottery:
First to NYC to visit my best friend V and just go on a crazy spending spree.
Then to Africa on a safari, even though I'm shit scared of gigantic bugs, but I want to go to the Cheetah Conserve and help out. I would also donate a ton of money to that program.
Then I want to go to Japan, because well, why not?!
After that it would be a big trip around Europe.
Okay maybe just a big trip around the world. That sounds good.
When I finally get back to the states I will travel around in my big ass RV visiting friends and going to all the famous haunted places in the US.
And all the famous Steak Houses. I am going to just watch the travel channel and go where ever it tells me to! Like all the best water parks.
Oh! I would also take my ENTIRE family and shut down Disneyland for 3 days. Then we would head to Florida and see which one is better Disneyland or Disneyworld.
And now that I have this all down and out to the world I am holding myself to it.

"Put it back in your pants!"

2009-11-16T19:57:00.000-08:00

I have realized that this is going to be said a lot more from now on. I love my boy. But really I get tired of seeing his wiener. Penis whatever YOU call it. I call it a wiener. I think because it's fun to say. Oh and this was just said "put your butt on mom!"
I am thinking that our roles her might start getting reversed. I have gone to work the past four days and Jesse has not...This has lead me to say when I walk in the door "where's mah beer!?" ha!
Today was an actual work day, well half day, I spent the first half "training" on the computers. And then the rest of the day was learning from another associate. It was fun. And then she left me. I had to work on a busy register by myself. I made it, but my back didn't. I am OUT OF SHAPE! My core muscles are in a bad way. I hope to one day get them into some sort of working condition but for now I'm REALLY worried about tomorrow when I have to do this for 7 hours. I don't know if I will make it. I'm honestly not trying to be a wuss or anything but listen:
I haven't worked or done ANYTHING outside my home in over 3 years. I also haven't done any sort of "stand up all day, run around" work for over 5 years. So this is a big change for me. I'm going to try and not exaggerate and I think this is why I'm not a very good blogger. Because I tend to not stretch my truth too much. It might sound like an exaggeration but when I say that my body hurts from my neck to my toe joints, I am not kidding around. I am more out of shape then any other fat person. I got sweaty from scanning and bagging items. I don't know how fast I was going compared to other beginners but I thought I was going at a decent rate. I didn't have people tapping their feet or looking at their watches in exasperation. Sooo I think my first half day at work was good. I will say that I do like being in "retail" I put that in quotes because it's not like other retail stores. I do like being around people, I have to say this, because before I've said that I don't like to work with people. But you know what I don't like?
I don't like bitches in offices. I don't like catty bored women who start shit in office settings and make a hostile work environment for others. I never EVER want to work in an office setting again. I will work the rest of my life at Wal-Mart if I have to, to avoid an office setting. Even at my last job where I really liked everyone and all the people were really cool, there was office drama. And I was even a target at one time. And I don't like that shit. I will get my Medical Transcription done, but I will not work in an office, I will work at home from the comfort of my very own office/closet and not have to deal with other people fucking with me.
I'm sorry for that angryness. I had to get it out. I'm a little mad about a situation that my sister is in. And that's all I'll say about it.
Oh you know what else makes me mad? $32.00 for 200 text messages. I went over my 400 texts last month and it added that much to my bill. Did you know that it only costs 1/20 of a cent for those texts to get sent?? And they charge $.15, well T-Mobile does, a text?! That's re-donkulous.

Oh and this is what happens when I have no idea what to write about. You should be used to it by now. And now I'm done, I'm getting off the computer and resting my shoulders and back. And possibly sqeezing my fat body into our tiny bathtub.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!

2009-11-14T19:51:00.000-08:00

I'm totally not good at blogging and working.
So working at WM is all good so far. I haven't learned anything pertinent beyond safety, safety, and checkers can't have scissors because they run with them and hurt people. I have also found that there will always be a separation between departments. "My department is way better then your department"
I will probably never post something earth shattering about working. Because really nothing earth shattering happens when I work. Lame.
Anyway this might be my resignation from blogging every single day. I am not good at doing things like this and working.
I will probably blog on my days off though. It looks like I might have a decently full schedule, that varies every day...which I don't like, but I will get used to.

Friday List Day!

2009-11-13T20:17:00.000-08:00

So I had to actually go in to a real job today! My first day as a Wal-Mart employee! It was boring, I hate training, just a lot of safety stuff. We'll see, if I paid attention well enough I won't get hurt.
So I'm phoning it in by giving a list of email subjects and various one liners that Leslie and I say...

First off you can't not put something funny in a subject line here are the best from Leslie:
Next thing you know...
Bitch Bitch Bitch
Oregon Trail
Ty Cronin+pubic hair?
I hate yogurt
Juan es muy guapo
Hey, Durty
There's a rat in my butt
Spectacular hobo
Snap your bagles
Ex-boyfriends should get wiener punched
Oops I crapped my pants
Shame cave
Sorry Roger, you tiger now
Mirando Pando
Evil Shenanigans
I'm such a disappointment
Sunshine pants
Consider me Miles Davis
The music moves me, but it moves me ugly
I'm allergic to rocks hitting me in the face
BY THE WAY WHORE
Not in a totally dirty way
Sexy bike gang
MEOW
There's no time for pleasantries
Oh yeah...meow
Turkey butts will chase you while your sleeping
I'm a Nigerian Prince!

Here's a list of My subjects TO Leslie, because I'm funny too damnit!!
I'm so sneeky you can't even hear me take a shower
Stupid Llamas
Punching Weiners
Balls
Whore!
Shut it Jack! You shut your dirty manwhore mouth!

And then well the rest of them are just RE's back to her. I'm only funny when I'm drunk.

So all of these usually don't have anything to do with what is being said in the email. Which makes them all the better and more funny.

And this was what was said today while at Wal-Mart:
"I will slap a sicky!"

And this was said right after I said I'll probably have to write all this down"
"do it with the wrong hand!!"

Going to work and blogging is tough work, I now know why so many SAHM do it! haha! BURN! Kidding! Loves!
Oh and can I just say that the day that I have to go to work something huge blows up in the blogging world and I had to catch up?! Sick and wrong! I missed Twitter today. I did!

Offensive Thursdays?? Or...topics suggested by Leslie

2009-11-12T11:48:00.000-08:00

(If your in a hurry skip down to the end for the important update)
I need something to write about on Thursdays. I got confused and almost did my "list" on the wrong day! So I figure since last Thursday I wrote about something, that might have been offensive, but then it ended up not being offensive because I was scared to put the offensive part in, I would try it again. But the stupid blogging blog has me in a choke hold. I don't know even know where I would start to be offensive. I'm just not that person. I'm also not a person that gets offended very easily. Except by big things like: bigotry and hypocrisy. Those two things really offend me.

Leslie gave me some blog ideas here they are: unicorns doing somersaults and million dollar homes not having laundry hook-ups.
Can you imagine a unicorn doing somersaults? I think that would be physically impossible but not impossible for a mythical creature such as a unicorn. But I think that the horn would get stuck in the ground and then it would do an awkward head stand. And now I'm picturing an upside down unicorn, with its big ol' butt sticking up in the air, I bet it would be pissed so its legs would be kicking all crazy like. Then I think another mythical creature would have to come to its rescue like an elf or something, but the elf would have to bring friends because just one elf could not help a unicorn in this situation.

And now a word to the rich: If you are buying a home that costs you over a million dollars maybe you should make sure that is is move in ready because really? Do you want to re-mod a house that already cost you a million dollars? If I were looking at homes, even in the 75K range, if it didn't have washer/dryer hook ups I would move on to the next. I don't even like renting houses or apartments without w/d hook ups.
I also saw one of those HGTV shows were the people were moving into a 600K house that didn't have updated appliances. I'm not talking about last years models I'm talking 80s models. I would move on, because really you're spending THAT much do you want to put even more into the damn thing?! My million dollar home would be move-in-ready, and if not I wouldn't buy it. I think though if I had a million dollars to spend on a house I would build from scratch and it would end up not costing me that much and it would have it's own energy source. Also I have beef with those 600K people because they won the lottery and then they remodled the house that they were in and then they moved out, to a house that cost over what they made in the lotto. Is that smart? In my opinion I don't think so.
Also a word to HGTV shows that are about selling houses. Okay a word to the people going into buy the houses: "THE CURTAINS DO NOT COME WITH THE HOUSE!" Neither does the furniture! I understand if a house is too cluttered, that I get. But really? Why comment on the pictures on the wall and the couches when clearly you are not getting those with the house.

So! I waited this long to get to the good part! I finally got a call from Wal-Mart and lo and behold! I am not a terrorist, and I am now going to be an employee! Which means money! Yay! For at least 120 days, that's my "contract" ha! Unless they want me longer. But now that gives me 120 days to get done with my class and get hired for a good job. So time to get to work! I start with my training tomorrow and then on Saturday, then who knows what I'll be working. I'm a little anxious and excited at the same time.
I haven't heard the whole story yet about my dad but last time I talked to mom she said dad told my aunt that he would only have to pay a $50 deductible. But mom didn't know for sure. So I probably shouldn't say anything just yet till we know for sure. But as of now, it sounds like it won't be costing as much for his meds, which is a good thing.

Losing Steam...And Veteran's Day Tribute.

2009-11-11T12:59:00.000-08:00

I have hit a wall. A big wall that has writing on it that says "YOU'VE GOT NOTHIN!"
I had something in my brain last night and now it's gone. I think it was pretty good too, but my computer was off and I didn't want to turn it back on. I'm awesome.
I think I will blame it on The Little Einstiens that I have to watch all day long.
There's a trend going on my Facebook about saying what your thankful for every day 'till Thanksgiving. Today's theme is of course Veterans' Day. So everyone on F.B. is thankful for vets. Which is wonderful. I'm thankful for vets because I love hearing stories from my Gramps about the WW2. And he doesn't say it anyother way then "The WW2." this is my favorite: "We had lions and tigers and elephants, in the WW2." "Wait, what?" "Yeah on the boat, we had all those animals, and monkeys" "Really" "Yup"
Men in uniform get to me. Not like sexually but emotionally. I think that it's such a huge sacrifice to decide one day to go into the army and "protect" this country full of people who don't care about them, and who don't honestly get what they're doing or why they're doing it. It is just such a selfless thing to do that every time I see a man or woman in a military uniform it chokes me up. This is getting a little better for me though since we've moved out closer to the Air Force Base, because I see them a lot more.
My cousin just recently went into the Army, and just graduated from basic training. I saw a picture of him posted by his sister on F.B. and I just started crying. I keep telling him I'm waiting for my "Proud cousin of an American Soldier" but I have yet to get it. I am very proud of him. I don't think he looks at it as a selfless act though, and I don't think that if you asked a soldier why they did it they would look at it like a selfless act. Because then it wouldn't be...right? I'm talking in circles.

Anyway take some time out of your day today and find a Veteran and say thank you. They didn't go into the service for any sort of "thank you's" or great respect. But they deserve both.

Wishing for Anonymous Unsolicited Advice

2009-11-10T13:27:00.000-08:00

Twitter has opened my world up to a host of brand new blogs and bloggers for me to stalk. This makes me happy, and also keeps me really busy. I barely have time to work on my transcriptions! Today was a little different, it was a boring day on twitter, so I got done with one transcription that I had to re-do because of a low grade. Then I started and finished typing out another one. I know! Amazing right? I didn't complete it, I was told to type it all out, let it sit, then go back and correct it again. So that's what I'm doing. Do you know how long it takes me to transcribe a 6 minute talk? A long freaking time! You try it sometime. It's tougher then you think. I thought when I first started that it would be easy, then I found out that it's not so easy. I think it's all the gigantic words doctors use. Whew, where was I headed.
Okay so I was on my blogging wandering and there was one that I like and that I have on my "blogroll" and she had done a vlog. Oooh, I soo want to do this now, because I am a follower! And apparently she said some inflammatory things on this vlog. But the comments, they were so freaking mean! And anonymous people commenting is just ridiculous. Especially when they're full of unsolicited advise that pertains to nothing really, and is just nasty. I have yet to get an anonymous mean comment, I don't know what I would do, I think I would laugh, but then on the inside I would be crying. Because I'm a wimp. I really have no idea where this was going, so uhm I'll just say, if you have an anonymous comment full of unsolicited advice I will not take the advice. I will probably just laugh, and say "ohh anonymous, your soo silly!"
What I ate yesterday:
no breakfast
chips
Top Ramen
Coffee
Water
Milk
Steak
Salad with dressing

Ad Ware Makes My Self-Esteem Plummet

2009-11-09T08:11:00.000-08:00

I just set up Ad-Ware I think on Friday and already it's yelling at me that I won't make any money because I don't get 1000 visitors a day. Stinking Ad-Ware. Google Ads didn't make me feel bad! I got kicked off of Google Ads though because I only had two readers, my sister and my friend at the time and they would click 6 to 12 ads at a time and according to Google, that's cheating or what they call "inaccurate clicks" Whatever Google Ads!
The thing is I don't want a 1000 readers a day. I like the people that read my blog and I think I'll stick with them. I'm going for quality not quantity. And this isn't just to make me feel better about myself, this is about the freedom to say what I want to say and not to worry about people "hating me" or being my "minions." That word "minion" has been thrown around a lot lately in the blogs that I read and I think it's funny. Like bloggers are supreme beings. Or wait, popular bloggers, are supreme beings or maybe giant planets and we as non-popular bloggers are their moons.
I also want to say that my friend Leslie is also a contributor on this blog but she doesn't contribute very often because she feels like she's a little out of place. Or something like that, I wasn't paying attention to her when she was talking.
So why the Ads? Because I like to dream people. I like to fantasize that I will have a million followers swooning on my every word and backing up my every thought. I also fantasize that I can sing like Mariah Carey and have the body of Beyonce. But that's besides the point. I also just got bored the other day and thought I would torture myself by setting up those stinking ads. Oh and I am not supposed to say there is any incentive for people to click my ads, so I'll just say: "Hey...psssttt...you...you there, click on that ad. JUST ONE THOUGH! I don't want to get kicked off." You get nothing in return mind you. Just the satisfaction of getting me 6 pennies. Oh and if I ever get a lot of money, I will get you something pretty. Wait, is that an incentive?! I didn't say that.
I will promise that I will probably never get to go to
Blogher or any other convention set up for the blogger people because I am NEVER going to be that cool.

Oh and if you're still with me...Here's something else completely boring and not really what you want to read:
What I ate yesterday:
2 egg, cheese, polish sausage "breakfast" burritos
popcorn
2 slices of pepperoni pizza
2 pieces of lemon cake
And around 32 oz of water.
For a "work-out" we walked around PetSmart and Boarders. Shut up.

Sunday's Will Now Be Body Awareness Day

2009-11-08T11:32:00.000-08:00

It's a working title.
So since I think I want to do something about my weight "problem" I figured I better start something that might hold me accountable. So Sundays will be the day that I do a whole "this is what I did the past week." Maybe I should have done this on Saturday. No wait, maybe it should be goals for the week. Crap. I didn't think this out at all. Okay!
Here goes:
Sunday's will go like this...
Weigh in:
What I did last week:
What I will do this week:
Did I get what I wanted done?
I will try really hard to do a food diary. Which will be hard for me because I can't ever seem to document what goes into my mouth. But maybe this will also help me be more accountable for my actions. I will say how much of water I drank and so forth.
So I think at the end of each blog, since I have to blog every day will be what I ate from the day before, or that day depending on when I wrote the blog. I have been writing my blogs the night before I post them so hopefully I can keep this up.
I'm really hoping that I get this job with Wal-Mart because Jesse's mom gets a discount at Oz Fitness and if I have extra money I will go and get a membership there. And maybe if I'm lucky find someone who will help me train.
Secret dream time: I want to be MADE. Into an MMA fighter.

What is Saturday for at your house?

2009-11-07T11:12:00.000-08:00

I want Saturday's to be me sleeping in and not having to listen to my kid from 6am to 8pm. But no I don't get that. I have to clean. Because Jesse makes me. I hate cleaning, ask my mom about this. I always have. I got stomach aches every time I had to clean my room when I was little.
I did manage to clean up the bathroom counter, it had every single bathroom item on it. I need to do some clearing out of things I don't use. But in the mean time I just put everything in the cabinate and walked away. I also got asked to wipe the counters off in the kitchen and sweep and mom. I feel like a child some days. I really do. So I still have to sweep and mop, instead I'm blogging. BECAUSE I HAVE TO BLOG EVERY DAY THIS MONTH!!! I have to!! I signed up on the website! It's got to be done!
And I'm doing all this while Jesse struggles to put shelves up on a wall with no studs. There's a lot of knocking going on and a lot of me saying "good luck finding a stud in here, I haven't found one yet!" oooh burn! Here's a picture of him working hard.

Look at that man. There are holes in the wall now, all over the place because he couldn't find a place to put the screws. He's having a tough time with these shelves, and I hope I'm giving him enough support.

I'm currently watching a terrible show on A&E. And don't tell me "oh are there any good shows on there"...because there are! That just might be my next post!

I might just turn this whole blog into lists. Lists for everything!

Give me a topic I'll make a list!

Oh my God I'm sooo freaking bored today! I really wanted to get out of the house, but Jesse was not taking the hint. We are going out to dinner, which I think is stupid because really do we have to?? But it's at the Casino, so Barb will get a discount and she's buying. So we're not spending money. Unless I can roll Jesse for a twenty and go try and win some money on a nickel slot.

Fridays are for Lists about ME!

2009-11-06T08:10:00.000-08:00

I just made that up, can you tell? But I think with this whole "post a day" thing I need some themes. Soooo Fridays now will be odd things about me. Maybe just five at a time. I don't want to freak you out all at once!
To get started here are five things about me that some of you might know but most of you don't.

1. I don't like dim lit rooms. My dreams are most of the time super realistic except the fact that they're just a little low on the light factor. So in my waking hours I need light or else I don't know if I'm dreaming or not. I swear to God I'm not kidding about this. My lights in my bedroom has two bulbs and if one is out it bugs me and I have to have the other replaced. And even if there is light in the living room I still have to turn on a light when I go into the kitchen even though I can still see. Which is why we need those energy efficient light bulbs. Now don't get huffy so soon, I do actually turn them off when I leave the room, it's just when I'm in the room that I need the light.

2. I am a sleep-aholic. I love to sleep and have my whole life. I love two hour naps and would go to sleep at 8:30 when Oscar does just to get more of it. My favorite quote from Brak (Space Ghost Coast to Coast) is "I love sleeping, I wish I could wake up just so I can go back to sleep." But the downside of me sleeping a lot is my dreams, which if I get woken up get progressively more weird.

3. I have re-occurring dreams a lot. And most of them are apocalyptic in nature. The ones that reoccur, that is. They usually tend to have aliens in them too. And gigantic space ships and fighter jets. Oh and I dream almost every night, and tend to remember my dreams but I can never explain them as well as I see them. Which is terrible. I'm the worst dream teller in the world. Jesse won't listen to me when I want to tell him about a dream. This is one good thing about having his mom here she lets me tell her my terrible dream stories.

4. I don't think I could ever actually have a list of 100 things about me. That would take me forever. Because I'm pretty normal and boring. It would be a list that everyone would say "uh yeah doesn't everyone do that?" Part of that list would be something like: I watch too much TV. I am left handed. I am the only one in my family with curly hair and hazel eyes oh and the only lefty. I have a big Catholic family.etc. etc.

5. I don't like when women get into male dominated jobs and then have to decorate everything with pink. If I were able to be a mechanic I would just be a really good mechanic and not turn my business pink. Sure if you like the color I get it but really it just seems like they do it because pink is a "female" color and women identify with that color. I didn't own a pink shirt until three years ago, and it's my only one. I don't identify myself as a woman just by a color.

Hobo Ghosts (I will be offensive, just warning you)

2009-11-05T08:47:00.000-08:00

The title will make sense later on in the post I swear!
I would first like to thank Leslie for giving me the fodder to fuel this fire. She told me the other day that she doesn't believe in ghosts. She has good reason, I'm not going to go into it, it's her story to share. I on the other hand have had 'weird' things happen to me that lead me to believe that there are ghosts. Now aliens, I can't wrap my head around aliens but ghosts, yeah I get that. (ha)
I haven't had a ton of 'paranormal experiences' just one or two. Once when I was sleeping I heard someone say my name and then blow in my face. I uhm haven't been able to sleep towards the edge of the bed since. When I lived with my uncle in his creepy apartment I swear I had something on my bed every night with me. And then after I moved out and then went back to visit, I woke up worried about my mom because of a dream and felt a hand caress my face. It didn't freak me out, it actually calmed me down.
Leslie and I have decided that I'm a freak and she's awesome about this whole situation. Leading me to talk about all of the awesome ghost hunting shows on television. I will not be discussing Ghost Whisperer or Medium because they're not "reality" shows. Plus I really like Ghost Whisperer because she wears really fancy clothes all the time and some how in that small town people still don't know that she can talk to ghosts.

So did you know there there are at least 8 shows that I can find that are regular shows about Ghost Hunting or Paranormal research of some sort. This is awesome to me. I love ghost hunting shows because they think that it's really scary to the viewer but honestly it's not. Because everything happens off screen. I can say though when I first started watching Ghost Hunters I really liked it because they did catch things on camera. But then it spiraled out of control. Here's my list and here's what I think about them.

Ghost Hunters:

Okay the only thing that they seem to catch lately is spider and bats. There's a guy on there that is more afraid of spiders and flying then he is of "spirits." And really do they have to explain what all their equipment is EVERY show? I think I know what a flashlight is for fellas, thanks. And they don't actually help the people in my opinion. They just say "yeah it's haunted" or "it's all in your mind." And then they're gone. And I can't stand most of the "characters" on the show. My favorite line so far is "Well should I start provoking the spirits?" "Dude, these people have had a hard enough life, if they don't want to come out and talk with us....they don't ... have to." Pure gold. I wish I could get audio of it or a video clip. Which leads me to...

Ghost Hunters International:

Okay take the two most annoying people from your cast and give them their own show. Awesome idea! Yeah sure you're rid of them, but we still have to listen to them. I think that it is a good idea to check out England and the rest of "The Old World" and it has a lot of history and with that possible hauntings but no actual video evidence or very little. Just a bunch more "what was that?!" moments. I say "LAME!"

Paranormal State:
I like these guys because unlike GH if there is an actual haunting they don't just say "yup it's haunted, see ya later!" They do ritual cleansing which might work might not, BUT it makes the victim feel better about their house. If I thought my house was haunted I would want it "cleansed" before they left. They do get a lot of video evidence of people being possessed but then you have to ask yourself if it's all an act or not.

Destination Truth:

Is awesome. I love how over the top they are with their maps and explanations. It makes the show. No matter that when they were looking for a killer dog in Egypt and all they came up with was a fox. But I do give them kudos for going into Chernobyl and checking that out. That was pretty impressive.

A Haunting isn't so much a ghost hunting as it is ghost stories. The re-creations are awesome and it always gives me chills. But it seems a little over the top at times.

Ghost Adventures:

is where it spins a little out of control. The guys are WAY over-the-top and too into seeing things and provoking spirits. Which doesn't really lead to anything. Their night vision always just ends up making them creepy. I watched one episode and it was mostly "dudes! and what was that?!" And my favorite was "I just felt something on my leg! Dude! Wanna check it out!!" And he had scratches!! AHHHH!!

And then it all goes wrong with Extreme Ghost Hunters(which I couldn't find a picture for). Holy lord, who gave three rednecks HD cameras with night vision?!? Seriously oh and they're not always in the dark in those places like other shows because you can clearly see all the camera lights. They do rituals that they tell you not to try at home and try to scare you with awesome graphics between cuts. It's bad. Favorite line: "Dudes I've never hunted ghosts on water. I don't know anyone who HAS!!"

Then it gets worse. Last night I found Ghost Lab on the Discovery Channel. Really Mike Rowe? How many shows can you narrate for?! I've recorded it for further study but so far, not so scary, not any ghosts popping up.

So with all these ghost hunting shows on now I want to get into the mix. So here's my pitch.
An all woman group of ghost hunters. And they could all wear pink! Because that's what women do when they get their own shows.
Leslie and I were talking about this the other day. And she told me that if I had a ghost hunting show she would dress as a hobo ghost and jump out at me at every house that I investigated. And I thought how awesome would that be?! The audience would be at first thinking "why is that hobo ghost sippin' on Night Train." And then she would jump up yelling "HOBO GHOST!" and I would say "Oooh Leslie!!" And then from then on every episode the audience would wonder when the hobo ghost would appear.
I have yet another pitch... Little People Ghost Hunters. I'm waiting for E! to get that one. They don't have a show about little people or ghosts yet....I'm emailing them today. (not really)

Two for Wednesday

2009-11-04T11:44:00.000-08:00

So I have to do another post today for missing yesterday. And I need to update everyone on situations that I have previously written about.
I went in and had my interview with Wal-Mart and it went good, I was offered a job and will be a part-time temporary employee for up to 120 days. Which will be nice and help us while I'm working on getting done with my Medical Transcription. Which I am happy to say that I've gotten an assignment done, Monday! And waiting for them to get it back to me to re-do because I have to get 80% or better and there were many words that didn't make sense and I couldn't find on any data-base. And if it were in real life I'd be able to go up to the doctor and say "What the heck were you saying?!" So I'm not too worried. I have made my mind up to just not worry about it and get it done and get it in. What is really making me mad though is all the "practice assignments" other then the one that I have to turn in are all under 3 minutes long. BUT the assingment that I have to turn in is 6 minutes long! Thanks! Because it takes longer then 6 minutes to type out because well I'm fast, but not that fast!
So anyway! Sorry for the tangent. I went in yesterday and took my drug test, which I would hope I pass since I haven't done any drugs in years! So I'm pretty much just waiting for the phone call now after they run my stellar background. They're paying me $9.55 an hour which is more then what I made the last time I worked which is nice! And will help, at even 20 hours a week. It will definatly help out our money situation. As long as Jesse continues working.

So there's that.

My dad update. My mom had posted a status update on facebook saying this:

Okay so Mike starts a new thing for the multiple myeloma, it is a thylidomide derivitive called revlimid. The clinic in Bend called, well their financial planner called, not a good sign and not especially if you are a real positive personality like my Mikie. So I have been told to drive the piss out of the new car 'cause it is going back. So who wants to see me? Sign up now!!

So this worried me, so I called to ask what the heck was going on. They found out that dad's meds would cost him. $5,000 a pill. A PILL. And he has to take them once a day! For at least 3 weeks!! Oh and my dad has been on partial disability now for a year because his work has gone down since his first round with his cancer. So he's on Medicare, and Medicare being AWESOME won't, that's right WON'T cover the medication because it is a chemotherapy. Sooo now they're waiting on what my mom's insurance will cover and whatever that won't cover they are trying to get on different programs to help with the payment. My dad needs this so his bones will stop dissolving. This is his life. So I don't want to hear anymore from people saying we don't need health care reform. My mom and dad have health care. My mom pays half her pay check a month to her health insurance. So why doesn't it help them?!?! It makes me sick.

So there you have it. Questions, comments? Good!

Things I love. The short list.

2009-11-04T09:48:00.000-08:00

I do a lot of "things that annoy me" so I figured I better take my mom's approach and try to be more positive. Yeah, yeah, pat me on the back, go ahead you know you want to!

The number one thing I love is my family. No not Jesse and Oscar family, wait, yes I love them. But I'm talking about my family that I grew up with. They're always ALWAYS there for me. No matter what, we're all so different yet all so much a like. I couldn't live with out any of them in my life.

I love the faces that Oscar makes. I wish I had a good camera to take all the face pictures of him I can. Here's a couple:

I don't really know if he's showing me his boobs or what.

One day I was bored, and I drew on his face.

That's his "cheese" face. Right before he tells me to stop and go away.

This one he does a lot lately. It's not the best version of it but you get the idea.

My friends, they rank right up there with my family. Like my family they're pretty much there for anything. And even though I haven't keep up with all of them I know if something happened that was important they would all be there for me.

Reading. I could read all day every day. I think this one of my big reasons why I love blogs so much. I like to read everything and anything. Suggest something, send me a book, whatever I'll try it. I have a good imagination and usually a book for me is better then a movie any day.

The ocean. I really would love to live by the ocean one day. That's a big dream of mine. I love the sounds and smells of the ocean.

I do love to scrapbook but I have to do it in spurts because my creativity is very short lived. And now that I don't have enough room I don't know how much I'll be able to do.

I have loved all animals since the time I was little, I even held field mice and garden snakes when I was younger. I have always LOVED cheetahs. And I don't think I've put pictures of my tattoo of my cheetah up on this blog so here's a couple pictures. The cheetah is an old tattoo I got it when I was 22 I believe, and it is "photo real" so that's why its light, oh and because my skin sucks in ink like crazy. The rest of it just got done last year in September. It's already faded and not quite finished yet. We didn't have the money to finish it.

So there's my list, well what I can think of at the moment.

Stolen Idea...

2009-11-02T20:10:00.000-08:00

Okay so I was wondering around through twitter and landed on a blogger http://onesmarmymama.blogspot.com and read her blog and liked it and she had a post about her celebrity crushes. And I'm SURE this has been done before but I hadn't seen it yet. So I asked her if I could steal the idea because I need more ideas for postings. And before I let her answer I did it.

Here is my top 5 celebrity crushes...we'll start with male because I likes the mens. And maybe I'll move on to women because there are a couple out there that I would switch teams for...

1. Justin Timberlake. Not only is he ADORABLE he's hilarious to boot. I love SNL when he's on. He's seriously a comedic genious and probably one of their best hosts.

2. Jason Statham. Okay I loved him since Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. And then I loved him even more when I saw the muscles. mmm I might be drooling a bit.

3. Denzel Washington-Dudes. I LOVE Denzel. I would marry Denzel. I would walk away from my life as it is right now for Denzel.

4. Chris Farley. Just to show that I'm not completely shallow. I will admit to liking the big boys. Chris Farley is my hands down all time favorite comedian. I honestly cried when I found out he died. I wanted to meet him and tell him I loved him so bad. I swear to god.

5. Ryan Reynolds ahh the pretty boy toy. His abs, I could live in the ridges. *shudders*

So I know this list is mostly very stereotypical but hey I think I am pretty shallow so deal with it! And I made it two posts in a row!

Wow!!

The Only Blogger that Didn't Post about Halloween

2009-11-01T13:58:00.000-08:00

That's right.
I honestly don't have much to talk about so I don't really know why I'm posting. It's kinda like my twitter today. "I've got nothin'. Just tweeting because I like to annoy"
So lets see...
I am not a huge fan of Halloween. I never liked going trick-or-treating as a kid because I hated going door-to-door for anything. I was a terrible Girl Scout because of this too. I don't like knocking, or cold calling or selling of anything. I also had a hard time dressing up for some reason. Except for Wonder Woman but that was because I thought I was Wonder Woman.
Thankfully this didn't leak onto Oscar who LOVES trick-or-treating. And seemed to always want to get into people's houses. Oh it was a lot of fun saying "NO! You can't go in!" The nice thing is that we went with the old neighbors and the boys were really good at introducing him to every person they met.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T DO THIS!
I don't really know what I want to blog about but it's not Halloween. I really want to blog about things that annoy me like the way my boyfriend eats. Or people that say the word Hubby. I hate that word. That is my number one reason that I'm never getting married because I know for sure that someone will ask me "how's your hubby" and I will have to punch them in the face.
I also would like to say that Ghost Hunting shows really annoy me. Especially Ghost Adventures. I want to yell at the guy to just "Shut up already!" And if I were a ghost I would scratch at him too. It doesn't quiet him down though. They even made fun of him on The Soup. Which was hilarious, and not so much of a stretch.
I also hate that my Mozilla has this "Getting started button right above the tabs for my other pages so every so often when I try to go back to my first tab I hit the "Getting Started" button and it takes my page to something else. I hate that.

Okay I think I'm calmed down enough to continue on. Or go in another direction.

Switching Directions NOW.

I the other week got tired of our situation with money and got tired of Jesse not wanting to tell me how much his paycheck was and a whole bunch of other things that were bugging me about him and said money situation. I went on line and while on the phone with a friend applied to work at the dreaded Wal-Mart because well there's no where else here that I could think of that would hire me quickly. So they called me in for an interview and well I pretty much kicked ass and took names. So today they're checking my "references" which consists of two people. One of my best friends and a former co-worker/friend. My friend called and said they asked her "Does she have violent tendencies?" and I said "You better have lied because I'll cut you!" hahahaaaa. And so you're pretty much reading a blog by a person who's soon to be employed by the devil.
This might manifest into a blog about my awesome working experience. And oh my mother has high hopes. She is of the mind that I will be owning my own Wal-Mart soon. I had to break it to her that this is a temporary stop gap to help with our finances until I can get a job transcribing.
Or I could be running my own Wal-Mart one day....

My body image.

2009-10-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

So a quick update on the Dad situation. He didn't call the doctor yesterday. I talked to my brother and he said this "The cancer never went away." Uhm okay I'm not listening to him but drawing my own conclusion. The way dad's cancer works is that it went dormant and stopped forming tumors, but apparently it still dissolves bones. This is why dad has to get Zomeda which is a bone strengthener. And apparently his cancer has started to dissolve his ribs and according to my brother it has completely taken one rib out. (I will wait to hear from my mom to take this as fact) So today I'm researching and I will be most likely making a huge involved confused blog about it later.

So I know that I've been over this, and over this. But I am not happy with my body. I don't know if I've ever been happy with it. I think I was a little apathetic towards it until after college. And then I started hating it. I remember it was right after college when I saw my first stretch mark. My body didn't couldn't wait until I had kids to give me these scars. And I really don't like when people just blame stretch marks on childbearing. I also hate that people blame weight gain on having kids. I lost 20 lbs during the first five months of my pregnancy and only gained those 20lbs back in the last four months. Then when I went in for a check up two weeks after I had my boy I found that I lost 30lbs. I was ecstatic. And then in the year following I gained 50lbs. The heaviest I've been is 250lbs. I'm 5'9". So 250 to me is different then 250 for someone say a normal 5'5" but it's still fat. People didn't know I was THAT fat, just big, and everyone in my life is too nice to me to say "dude, you need to do something."
I know in my head and heart that I need to do something about my weight. I just have a hard time finding the motivation in myself in my own heart and head to DO something about it. I know at one point I'm going to hit a breaking point and just say "that is it" and have my own little "Today Show" moment and lose 100lbs but I want to know when. I want to know when I'll actually hit bottom with this problem. Sometimes and this is probably going to sound sick but I want Jesse to tell me he doesn't think I'm attractive anymore. I wonder if that might jump start something, because all this self loathing isn't working.
I also wonder that if I had money to get a personal trainer if that would work for me. I think I do need outside motivation to do this. Because personally I don't care. I'm not in the public, I avoid it, and when I do go out I dress as nondescript at possible.
I would like to say though, without people saying back to me "nooo that's not true" that I feel in my own impression that I am not cute as a fat girl. There are many women that are "large women" that I thing are ADORABLE. But myself? No I'm not I have a potato face and and ugly set up to a body. Not that I was a super model when I was skinny, but hey I got ass when I was. I look at old pictures and wonder why I didn't use it to my advantage sooner. Or why I didn't keep it. Why did I let myself get like this? What happened? What in my brain broke and made me stop doing anything to keep in shape?
All of this comes down to the fact that my friend is coming to visit in February and we have plans to "relive our 20s" and to do that, I need to be a lot lighter. Because I was 135lbs in my 20s. And now at this moment I am 240lbs. Can you do math, because I can. I know it is totally unrealistic for me to lose 105lbs in 4 months but I do want to do something. For some reason when I try to work out or 'eat less' it lasts for three days and then I'm right back to the eating huge portions and eating all day and sitting on my ass.
So tell me life planners out there how do I motivate myself? How does a person who has no money to join a gym or buy a Wii or ABSOLUTELY no will to "jog" to get into shape? Or just get less fat??
Anyone? Anyone?

Getting back to it

2009-10-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

Well after over a month of not working on my school stuff I'm back to it. I started back up Friday and got done with two transcriptions. I cheated on one but the other one I did myself. It was short and simple. I'm working up to the hard ones. I'm going to do the assignment today, I really have to get going on this because I really need a job. This being poor is not working for us anymore.
We're settling in and Oscar has finally stopped saying "I wanna go home" all the time, which is nice. I'm liking the kitchen a lot more then our old one. There's WAY more room. I miss my office, but this is alright because I can have Oscar in here to watch TV while I ~~play~~ work on the computer.
I really don't have much to say today. My brain is feeling clogged up and not willing to spit anything out.
So I'll leave you with that.
And a quick update on my dad.
He had to get a bone marrow biopsy and they'll have the results of that on Wednesday. His oncologist, according to my mom, wasn't all that worried about "the mass" and his cracked ribs but did put him back on the bone strengthener. So my mom is relieved. I'm waiting till Wednesday to be relieved.

My Dad.

2009-10-22T19:22:00.000-07:00

Uhm this is hard for me because the first thing I want to do is cry. And the second thing I want to do is tell myself "quit crying."
About 7 years ago, I think, if my math is correct. My dad was diagnosed with a type of cancer called Multiple Meyloma. It's a bone/blood cancer that at the time should have gave him only six months. But my mom told the doctor not to tell her things like that because she had counted on 60 years at least with the man. (God only knows why!) So it started out as a tumor on his spine the probably would have been found earlier had he not lived in such a shit hole with such terrible doctors. But I'm being mean. He went through radiation and chemo and then he had surgery to remove a vertebrae. He has titanium rods in his back now, which he says gets super cold along with the weather.
When my dad got the first diagnosis I had just moved home from college after pretty much getting fired from a call center job that I hated. He had just lost his office manager so it was "my turn" to help him with his business. I remember when he had his "fanny pack" of chemo on his hip at work, and no one knew he was going through it because he never showed any signs of being sick or tired. Well to anyone but us. We knew. I knew he was tired, I knew he was sick. But I also knew in my heart that he was going to be just fine. Because the man is a bastard. He's just a strong bastard of a man and to ornery to die. After going through the radiation and chemo and surgery the doctors said he had a choice. He could go through chemo again every so often, or do a T-cell transplant and give him a greater chance of the cancer not EVER coming back. So he took option B, because he hated the chemo. He spent a month in the hospital and a couple more months recovering at home. It was weird to see my dad without hair. My whole life I never saw my dad with out hair and it was definitely different. He wouldn't take off his hat in public, not even for the anthem...(I know right?!)
He got better, and the mass was gone and all he had to do was go monthly to get a bone strengthener.
Well today I got news from my mom that they have found a similar mass on his ribs. So it looks like it's back for a second round. This is coming after we found out about a month or so ago that his sister's cancer had also come back, her's this time in her lymph nodes. This happened last time but in reverse. Dad got it first then his sister. Oh then his other crazy sister decided that "she had cancer too" but it was never really talked about, I always thought she was faking...(my opinion)
My dad has an appointment on Friday to see his oncologist and to get a better x-ray to make sure exactly what is going on with his ribs. So after that we will know more what is going on. The thing is, it's kinda thrown everyone in the family for a loop. I called my sister after talking to mom and I could tell she was crying, and I said "so it's okay for me to cry?" Then the next day my oldest sister called to see how I was doing, and we both just sat on the phone wondering how to take the whole thing. Dad is still not ready to talk about it. Of course. I know in my heart and from what I've read that it is not necessarily a death sentence if the cancer has come back. It just means more radiation and more chemo, which will be harder for him, because more is always bad of those two things.
I know with so many people touched with a cancer story this one is typical. It is one in a million or more, but it is our story. And it's hard on my mom. She's definitely not the same this time around as she was the last time. I think it has partly to do with the fact that she just got back from seeing her sister go through a surgery to remove lumps from her breast. And of course my dad's sister's cancer coming back.
My first instinct is to joke around with my dad and just try to ease everything a little. The first thing I told my mom after she told me the news was "Is he trying to show his sister up or something? Just because she has her cancer back doesn't mean he has to too!" And I know that would make my dad laugh. I would get a chuckle out of him. I haven't had a chance to talk to him in a couple of months or so, well a good talk anyway. I usually talk to him a couple of times a month, I don't know what happened this last month or two. I hope that as a family we get through this again. I know that my mom is a strong woman, but she's going to need a lot of support, I just hope we are up to the challenge.
Give a little prayer, if that's what you do, or just keep my dad and my mom in your thoughts tomorrow. I know some of you don't know them personally, but trust me, they're good people!
I know that most of my posts are very disjointed, but this might be the worst! Please forgive me!

Moving sucks.

2009-10-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

I grew up in one house. I never moved. My oldest sister was the only one that moved. Once mom and dad found their home in our little town they never left. I didn't start moving around until college. Then it started just with moving from dorm to home then to a new dorm. Junior year I lived with my uncle in his apartment, then senior year I moved into a house with two friends. After senior year I stayed in that house for a little while longer then moved into another house after my friend moved out of Spokane. After that I moved home to my mom and dad's. I tried to move out while living in my home town but that proved disastrous because I moved in with a meth head. I didn't know she was a meth head until after I moved in. So I moved back with my mom and dad. Then I met Jesse and well four months into the relationship I was pregnant and we figured "well we better move in together." So we did and the day before we got the place, I had a miscarriage, but it didn't stop us from moving in together. Okay so lets see I'm up to uhm well we'll start after college...4 places. So after six months of living together in our hometown we moved here to Spokane. First place sucked. Second place was okay, but the roommate situation wasn't the best. Then I was pregnant and we moved in with my aunt and uncle for a little bit because we couldn't afford to live on our own. After that we moved into the "rent-controlled" apartments. Lived in one for almost a year, then moved next door. Okay so that's 9 places. Then finally we found our last place that I LOVED and will always love. And then we had to move here. To a small little house with no privacy from a parent and ugh. The last place was the longest I've lived somewhere since college. I know that people do this a lot, but I didn't. I don't like it. And especially since we had found such an ideal neighborhood and a good house. So now the plan is to stay here for 2 years and what if I get used to it here?! I want to have a place and just live. I'm tired of packing up everything and doing all this crap. It exhausts me.
So here we are in the new house, and according to Jesse we will not be moving again for at least two years. If all goes to plan that is...and if this house doesn't go into forclosure. I can get used to it here. I'm not sure if I'll continue to like living with his mother but I guess I can deal with it.
Okay so are you ready for some ~~bad~~ pictures? Here goes!

This is the new living room, well part of it. I don't have a wide angle lens on my camera phone.

The wood stove that is doing all the work at the moment because the furnace is d-e-d dead. And well now we have to wait to see what the owner wants to do. Fix it or replace it, but either way we have to wait for it. Ahh so nice winter hasn't set in yet.

This is a pond in the back yard. The tiny backyard. I'm going to eventually post picture of this back yard and our old one to show the difference. Oh and Oscar has already jumped into this slimy pit...

Aaanndd the haunted shed. That Jesse's mom wants to keep forever for some reason and I say get rid of it to make more room for the back yard, but guess who wins? Oh yeah the mom, because well she's mommy! Ugh. It's such wasted space!

And here's my office/closet. See that printer? Yeah it won't work with my computer. So now I have to set up my old dinosaur computer to use to print things, but it's alright because I can use it for musics too, instead of infecting my lappy with all sorts of crap.

Learning from other Blogs

2009-10-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

I'm learning as I go here. Well I've been "blogging" for a little while. Almost four years I think. I know that's not as long as some out there, but long for me. But mostly it's just been a journal for me and some family members. Anyway as time has gone on and I have found other blogs I am amazed at how juvenile my blog is. How terrible my pictures are. Now this is not me fishing for complements, this is just my brain. I'm giving you a peek...ha...well see my brain always compares me to everyone else around me. And for some reason my brain always has me coming up short. It's just the way it is. I've never been number one. I tried working on this with my counselor but apparently I was "fixed" because I stopped crying at every session. Ahhh how the brain likes to trick me. Anyway, I'm finding new blogs here and there and most of them I like. You can look to your left and see a good list of blogs that I read and like a lot. I have found some new one just recently that have been around for YEARS but they're new to me.
What I have noticed is that I am poor. I can't afford to get my own website. I can't afford an awesome camera to take pictures. I can't afford to have photo shop on my computer to fix those pictures. So here I am, just typing. And hoping that someone out there is reading.
Something else that I have found is that you can tell who likes who. There is a big sense of the "cool" crowd and the "rebel" or as we called them in high school "the stoner" group. I liked all groups. I flitted around and didn't really care. The stoners were okay with me, and the preppy kids liked me too I guess. Anyway point being I found one blog and I don't know if I want to be specific or not but MAN! I could instantly tell what blogs "they" followed, without looking at "their" blog roll. I knew right away just from the pictures, because they looked oddly photoshoppy familiar. And I thought to myself...hmmmm...how do they do that with their pictures?? No I answered myself pretty quickly with the photoshop answer.
It makes me wonder, because I have been on both sides of the fence with these "groups" even though I'm what is known as a "lurker" and probaby a "stinkin new kid" but... There are some blogs that I like and some I don't. There are blogs that I no longer follow because well one because the woman was always talking about how fat she was when in her pictures she looked a size two...dude. I don't care about fat skinny whatever. Don't tell me some kid asked you if you're pregnant when you're a size two. That didn't happen. And if it did, if that kid ever saw me he'd think "man! are you two people?!" Another for a host of reasons none of which I will get into because I don't want to appear to be a uhm well attention whore, because when you mention said blogger that's what people accuse you of, that or "jealous." Which I am...definitely jealous, because if I lived where she did I would be close to one of my very best friends/roommate. And if I were her I would have lots of money, which as I have and will mention A LOT I don't have a lot of money.
moving on!
I like blogs that you can have conversations with people. I would like this to go that route eventually. I like topic starters and like to have lots of contributions from people. In essence I like banter. I don't like when the person who wrote the blog writes then never says anything else till the next blog. I think you should occasionally comment back. I think in my last post that I had to, because once people started commenting I kept saying "OH I remember another name that I hate!" And wanted to add more to my post.
I don't understand "give-away blogs" at all. I mean really? You give shit away? That's never going to happen on this blog. I don't have the money. (Another day another post)
People talk about going to conventions like blogging is the new Amway. I will probably never understand it. Will I get to see my favorite bloggers in person? Probably never. Although I have found a blogger with the same last name as mine. Which is amazing to me. What is sad is that I commented and pointed that out and I got nothing. Gave me a flash back to high school and pointing out to someone I was playing basketball against that she had the same shoes as me, and she didn't respond so I knocked her to the ground as much as possible during the game...but I digress. Seriously if someone EVER comes to my blog saying "I have the same last name/first name/middle name whatever to me I will definitely respond. Most likely by saying STOP STEALING MY IDENTITY! Because it's a crappy identity. And then I will kindly ask them to clean up my credit for me.
Okay so point of this post is that I like that there are millions of blogs out there because there are enough to love and not love. Follow and not follow. Make fun of and copy.
If you blog...do it for the reasons that you want. And if you read mine, please be gentile. I've already beat myself up enough. Oh and if you wanna be mean well it better be for good reasons. Like I made fun of your grandmother or something. Or I will start a page just for mean comments about me. And not make any money off of it. Because google kicked me off of ad sense.

Baby Names I could do with out.

2009-10-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting on this for a while, because well it's kinda mean. And judgemental. But I'm feeling mean and judgemental. Things are going on in my brain that are making me crazy and hating life, so I have to take it out on people I don't know about what they name their kids...First off throw a stone back at me because I named my son Oscar. I wanted to name him Samuel Oscar, but I had to switch it because his dad's last name starts with a B, and one of my best friends told me "YOU CAN NOT GIVE YOUR SON THE INITIALS S.O.B." So I switched. I love it. I don't hear it very often yet it's not something silly. Plus it's a family name. My grandpa who I love had a brother named Oscar. So go ahead tell me your dog's name is Oscar, I've heard it before. You know how many pug dogs are named Oscar? A MILLION!
First off I have to go after people who spell common names funny. I could have gone and spelled Oscar like this: Oskar, to be cool and different, and then I thought, wait, it's already different enough. Just because every other kid has that name doesn't mean you have to spell it different to be different. If there are too many people with the same name and you don't like it, don't name your kid that.
Here's a list of names that I've compiled that I think are ~~dumb~~ silly. In MY OPINION!
Sienna
I dunno it just sounds silly to me.
Sailor
I know, I know, someone just named their baby this, but REALLY? Have you heard of Sailor Moon? It's anime...
Sincere
I also saw it spelled Cinsere, wow.
Usnavy
If you look close...it's U.S. Navy. Awesome
Brody
I think it's just because I don't like Brody Jenner all that much. But really Bro really.
Ever
Meh.
Rowan
Rowan what?? a boat?
Ever Rowan
Someone I kinda know of was seriously going to name a little girl this.
Greyson
Summer Buhreeze
I can't remember where I saw this one, but yes that's how they spelled Breeze...
Poppy Honey
I think Leslie just made this up.
Satchel
Famous People are silly...
Poet or Poem,
I can't remember which one it was that the crazy hippy named him. HIM...
Brick
from that new show The Middle. I like the show, just not the names...
Lyric
Seriously people, just because your famous
Zowie Bowie (David Bowie...really? Really...)
Enoch
Alexis (Like Kanye says "couldn't afford one so you called your daughter alexis)
Alize...like the cheep malt liquor...awesome!
Chance
ick, I don't know it just sounds lame to me.
Chase
Right up there with Speed.
I think the weirdest name though has to be Pilot Inspektor...or however he spells it.

My TV Guilt

2009-10-15T21:40:00.000-07:00

I have shows that I like to watch, that no one else does. I'm not just talking the people that I live with, but family and friends.
1. The Hills: I never watched the Laguna Beach, I got sucked into The Hills I think last year, after I made fun of a cousin for watching it. I think it was karma or something. Anyway I have to watch it, and I even record to watch it all by myself. There's something soothing and hypnotic about really dumb rich people. That said, I can't stand Real House Wives shows. I know, isn't that weird? I even feel bad for the main girls sometimes and yell at the TV. "YOU NEED A FRIEND LIKE ME!" I would probably get in fights all the time. I hate Spenser and Heidi with a passion. And I don't think Heidi ever watches the show because if she did she's dumber then I thought because anyone watching the show can tell that Spenser is a sociopath and quite possibly a murderer, I'm not sure. And the flesh colored facial hair...DON'T GET ME STARTED! Ugh, and Audrina with her stupid boyfriend/but says he's not her boyfriend Justin/Bobby. First off, dude seriously, how did you ever let people start calling you that. And second. You're a douche bag. Audrina might be vapid and a bit of a cardboard cut out but you sir, need to jump off a cliff. Oh and Kristin Cavaliari...Okay not a good switch from L.C. What a vulture/bitch! I call her a vulture and I would probably say it to her face, if I were drunk enough, because she just goes after guys that all her "friends" just dumped. Seriously? I wonder why they're ex's in the first place? Oh but she knows what she wants. She wants the leftovers. Oh yeah!

2. Naughty Kitchen with Chef Blythe: Holy crap, the woman's voice drives me nuts, but I can't stop watching. It's, I don't even know what it is, but it's awesomeness. Everything is naughty, and I love it! And the "door whores" are hilariously stupid. And I love that she actually says that as she walks away. "I feel dumber after talking to them." Dude. I want to meet her. She just seems like someone I would hang with. I just think it's hilarious that she's always talking "naughty" about everything and she sounds like a sorority girl who's smoked too many cigs and sucked too many ~~dicks.~~

3. Real World vs. Road Rules Challenges: All of them. I don't watch The Real World by itself, and I don't think Road Rules is even on anymore. But the Challenges. Oh hells yeah I watch them. Those I make Jesse watch. This season is awesome. Some girl popped her implants belly flopping into the ocean. If that's not awesome I don't know what is. I've missed one or two this season, but not to worry, they show them all again and again and again on MTV. At this very moment I'm on MTV.com to see what exactly happened with Shauvon's boobs. I'm worried! That's the worst crying I've ever seen! Ohh I love highlights.

4. Hoarders: Only because sometimes I feel like I could be that out of control...but then I couldn't stand the smell.

5. Intervention: I think I just like watching other people in pain. Is that wrong? Yeah probably. But I like to hope for them that they triumph. Honestly I do. I watch every one of them with the hope that the people will get better. And seriously after how many years this has been on you think that these addicts would get a little wiser to the game..."Hmmm video cameras following me about my addiction...nooo they couldn't be intervention!"

6. A Haunting, Paranormal State: I used to watch Ghost Hunters but it's lame now because the only thing they catch is spiders really. Everything else happens off camera, and in the end they don't do anything for the haunted. I like P.S. because they help the people and they believe them that they are actually haunted. And a Haunting is just pure re-enactment gold. I like Halloween time for TV if only for the real life ghost stories. I'm not too keen on horror movies, but if it's a true ghost story I'm game. I'm still in awe that my neighbor can see ghosts. I keep wanting to go to haunted housees with her.

The Box...not mine...It's a movie!!

2009-10-14T18:47:00.000-07:00

I keep seeing the trailer for this movie called the Box. I don't want to see it, but I want to say what I would do if said box showed up on my doorstep...Here's the plot summary from IMDB:

Norma and Arthur Lewis, a suburban couple with a young child, receive a simple wooden box as a gift, which bears fatal and irrevocable consequences. A mysterious stranger, delivers the message that the box promises to bestow upon its owner $1 million with the press of a button. But, pressing this button will simultaneously cause the death of another human being somewhere in the world; someone they don't know. With just 24 hours to have the box in their possession, Norma and Arthur find themselves in the cross-hairs of a startling moral dilemma and must face the true nature of their humanity. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0362478/plotsummary

Seriously. Two questions: Someone I DON'T know?? Show me the money.
Okay the second one is not really a question. But really. REALLY. If someone were to ask me this in my current situation they wouldn't be able to get the whole question out. The button would be pushed before I could blink. I am morally corrupt. Yes. Because someone I don't know just died...right now. Because every second of every day someone dies. So someone else just died. I didn't hit a button, but someone died. I also didn't get a million dollars. I would push that button in a heartbeat.
And this is why I'm not in movies.
Would you do it?

My Kid is Soo Not Smarter Then Yours

2009-10-13T10:25:00.000-07:00

***Notice:***
This post contains the word Retard. If the word Retard offends you quit reading now. I don't honestly think my kid is retarded, I'm being sarcastic. And if I truly felt something was "wrong" with him, I wouldn't use the word Retard.

Okay here we go:

I have the opposite feeling of most moms. Even though I'm sure in some ways Oscar is very smart, I have this feeling that he might be retarded or something. Every other blog that I read that has a three year old in it, they seem to be able to speak complete sentences and in perfect English. Where as my son, I get "bobbuddyday" for Bob The Builder and "jum jum" for "Jungle Junction." And today I read a blog where someone's three year old told her a dream he had the night before! WHA?! He told you there were spiders in his dream?! Oscar can't even tell me why he fell out of bed, just that "hurt, arm broke" (It's not really broken, just that when ever he gets hurt somethings broke or bloody to him)
So I don't think you'll ever catch me saying "my kid is such a genius!" it will more likely be "what? well my kid can drive faster then yours!" "okay not really, your kid is way better then mine."
Okay so while writing this we had a potty training break through! I heard Oscar say to himself. "Oh! I have to pee." and he went in the bathroom all by himself and peed. OMG I HAVE THE SMARTEST KID ALIVE!!!!!!
And then, he pooped his pants. AGAIN. Ahh two steps forward...and giant leaps back.

The Energy Drink Made Me Do It!

2009-10-12T11:32:00.000-07:00

I'm still kinda mad that I can't find the stinking spell check button on here. WAITASECOND! There's one on my google tool bar!! Sweet! Now I can type with ease knowing that if I make a mistake you won't see it!
Okay so I think I'm not so mad anymore. I hope to not have outbursts like that again. And I'm hoping you won't hold it against me.
Mom was in town and when she's in town that means a trip to CostCo on dad's card...It doesn't mean we get whatever we want. But my sister and I did pull the "If she gets it I get it too!!!!" Yes we are both over 30. So we passed by all the samples because we were hungry, and tell me you don't eat the samples, and I'll call you a liar. LIAR! Anyway, sorry, so we went by a sampling of an "all natural energy drink powder" and we tried it and the lady talked us/mom into getting some. It's almost all vitamin B. And it took drinking two the day before yesterday, two yesterday, and one this morning to give me EXTRA energy. I think yesterday I was almost normal levels but I still wanted a nap. The thing about the energy drink is that it doesn't give my body energy, it makes my brain go a mile a minute. And I think that's why I snapped the other day. My brain was going and going and going, and with people being silly on the web made me a little crazy.
The good news is that today I feel up to actually doing homework. I just don't know when I'll be able to do it, because Jesse is actually working today. I did want to get up and exercise, but I didn't. I watched a little bit of TV, cleaned the kitchen for the first time in 4 days. No it hasn't been dirty for that long, I just left it to the two other adults in the family...I didn't feel like doing it.

So is it my/our responsibility to take a pet that isn't really "ours" to the pound when we and the pet owner can't have it anymore? Can I be anymore vague? Okay here...take two...
When Jesse's mom moved in she had a dog and a cat. We have a big back yard. This was okay. Even though on our lease it says no pets, we've broken our agreement on several levels. One by letting someone else live with us without putting them on the lease, and two by having pets. Whatever...like no one else has ever done this. So now that we're moving to a much smaller house, with a backyard that doesn't have a complete fence she has decided that we can't keep the dog. (I'm jumping up and down on the inside.) So we put him up on Craigslist and haven't had any takers. So now...we have to take him to the humane society... and we I mean, well not her. Because "I can't handle it." And I'm saying "it's YOUR dog!" But Jesse has already said "yes." So today she gets a hold of the H.S. and finds out when and how much and all and then says "Can you do this today?" I am not going to take MY CHILD and YOUR dog to the H.S. it's not my problem. I will not break my son's heart by dropping the dog that he has grown to love off. I do not think it's my responsibility. I seriously don't think it is. I can just see me trying to fill out paper work with the dog that does not do well on a leash that weighs at least 80lbs and a 3 year old terror crying because we have to leave his best friend at a pound. I don't even know what to tell him when someone else does it. Let alone leave it up to ME! So I told her. "Well if Jesse gets home he can do it." and she says "Well I think it should be done today." If she wants it done today, maybe she should do it herself right? Am I a bitch? I'm already upset about this whole moving thing, that we're doing mainly for HER to get HER closer to work, and lower the "rent" for HER. Oh and don't get me started on keeping that damn ugly ass useless shed around at the new place. Ugh. I don't like having to compete with another woman in my man's life. But that is what it has come down to. I'm getting pushed aside by another woman. And little known fact about me. I only like competition when I'm playing basketball. I will step aside...I already feel like I've been replaced on many fronts...I'm feeling that rage again...
So really should it be up to US, Jesse and I to have to take her dog to the pound, because she "just can't take it."?

I am sooo done with people

2009-10-10T17:13:00.000-07:00

I'm over people. Really I'm so mad at the people on my facebook except for a precious few that I want to start all over with a psudonym. I don't think politics has any place on facebook. People as a whole do not know enough about politics to involve themselves in a well thought out disscusion about it and shouldn't start on a networking site. I know enough about politics to know that I know JACK SHIT. I know this though, that when the committee that selects the Nobel Peace Prize selects someone they DESERVE IT! No matter what you think. I'm so pissed off about this that I'm shaking. And I don't know why I'm so deeply offended by people on that stupid site that I am shaking. I just am. I want to kick the shit out of something. And there is a dog in the room at the moment...please if you think I'm serious come take him away from us, we can't have him anyway.
Fuck people. I'm so freaking done with it. I don't know if this is because I've been reading new blogs that are all open to how you really feel about people. But my emotions have snowballed into a gigantic hate ball. I have found what my friend and I have deemed "the seedy underbelly of blogging" and I don't like it. I had no idea that this was all out there but it is. There are blogging confrences that only a select few can go to...or if you have the money. Or something. And who knew that blogging was SOOO IMPORTANT. That they have to have confrences.
I am so freaking angry. I need to get away from the computer. But I really have no where to go. For the next few days I think I'm going to stay away from Facebook and away from blogs. I need to clear my head and maybe do some actual work.

How's this for blogging

2009-10-08T21:14:00.000-07:00

So I couldn't think of a title.

I started this blog at the wrong time of night. Its almost "get the kid ready for bed time" because we have a strict schedule in this house and we keep to it!! I have three minutes to say that I hate this whole depression thing because today I don't feel so depressed. I think I might be either manic depressive or bipolar. Can someone out there diagnose me please? Because I don't have insurance and I can't afford a doctor. I currently am waiting on my doctor friend to ask his doctor friend to write me a prescription for my antidepressants because I can't afford to go into see anyone. So we had a texting consultation the other day, where I told him what I was taking and how much and since he doesn't have his "state pad" yet, he's going to talk to a friend to see if he will write the scrip for me. How awesome are my friends? And how shady to I feel right now?! I don't even know if I should be talking about it on the web. Is this against the blogging rules? To share this? Am I allowed.

Hold on for a half hour please...
Okay so it was a little longer then that...but you couldn't tell could you?

So what I want to know is there a list of blogging "rules" out there? I'm wondering because I have been spreading out and finding new blogs and reading here and there, and a lot of places and a lot of comments that I see say "you shouldn't do this on your blog" and "you should do that on your blog" and "your grammar is terrible!" So I really do want to know is there a rule book for blogging? And if so I need to see it. I know that one rule that everyone talks about is putting too much information about yourself out there. I used to have a blog on MSN spaces, and I used to write about any and everything, and I think only friends read it, I did meet some other bloggers and got to know them and love them. I found out through my uncle that my aunt was reading it and didn't like that I talked about my self too much. She also didn't like that I wrote a blog about a then campaigning Obama and how he raised 8 mil in a week or something to that effect. In my defense, I am dirt poor and I was amazed that he could do that, and why couldn't he do something like that then put it to good use. Anyway, my uncle berated me and said "IT COSTS A LOT OF MONEY TO RUN A CAMPAIGN." Completely missing the point of my blog, because well he didn't read it. Anyway so I got off of MSN because I didn't want to hear it. So I put my blog here on blogger, and had no followers till I told my friend that I was blogging here now instead. She likes keeping up with me and well I'm not the best emailer but I will write a blog about it. But I also found out that another friend from college would read my blog, to check up on me as well. I had no idea! I thought it was interesting though. But then I guess that's what I do on a lot of blogs, I lurk. I don't tend to comment as much because most of the time blogs just make me go "huh. that's nice" and that's it, and really do you need to have me say that? So anyway I started reading other blogs, and got suggested other blogs by my friends and then I started on twitter for some reason. I think because I was bored one day. And then a new world of blogs opened up...I'm really glad I found them. I signed up on Blogher a little while ago but I never keep up with it, and I don't really understand it. I've also signed up on Mommyroo which I saw on twitter has been getting some angry comments from people because they "stealing" posts or something. I have learned that there is a lot A LOT of drama out there. And when I read all this drama I'm really glad I don't have drama on my blog or in my life. I like reading about drama I don't like drama in my real life. I tend to try and squash it quick.
I found out that my sister was reading this blog, well from my mom, and that she stopped reading it because I bet I hurt her feelings because I was blogging a lot when I was taking care of her kids and about how I didn't like it. And I feel bad for that. And I know that this isn't a "private journal" but I would like to say that if a person does have a blog the reader has to keep in mind that this is just a stream of consciousness writing and I say things to get them out of my brain and keep me from having an ulcer. I will complain about things on here, I will talk about my family. I won't talk about sex because well I just don't do that...No wait...I do have sex, I just won't talk about it. I don't like hear about other's sex lives so I won't do it, just like in my daily life...I don't like Public Displays of Affection, so I won't do it either. I HATE SEEING PEOPLE MAKE OUT!!! Therefore, I will not make out in public. Hell I don't even hold hands. Mainly because my hands sweat profusely, and because well it just feels weird. (This whole subject is a blog on its own)
I have told my other sister about this blog and I don't know if she's still reading it, but I told her because I wrote about her son, and figured she'd like to read it. The comment I got from MOM not my sister was "Oh I talked to your sister and she says she's reading your blog." "Oh yeah what did she say" "It's you know, Randa stuff, and I said ohhh Randa stuff." Like I'm crazy or something. What is that supposed to mean anyway? Mom is the one saying I should be a writer, why not be a writer on a blog that no one reads?? I have however, tried not to put my family members names on here, so I hope that appeases people. And my friends, well most of them except Leslie, because she blogs on here sometimes too. She's the funny one. I'm the depressed one.
I don't even know where to put my blog, how do you categorize a blog about nothing? I know that there are mommy blogs, and give away blogs, and "hater" blogs, and "FAIL" blogs, but what about this?
There have only been a few blogs that I have found that actually have really good discussions in their comment sections. Most other blogs just have comments to puff the writer up, and make them feel good. (like mine) I have started liking those blogs that make me want to comment more then the ones that I just read and go, "well alright see ya later."
Well with that I'm off, maybe to get a piece of cheese cake, and most likely to go read my twitter...and check on some blogs.
Oh and forgive my spelling errors...I switched to the new "editor" and they took away and or hid the spell check button.

Update...trying TRYING to see the postives

2009-10-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

So our LOVELY rental agent lied to us. She said it was a three+ bedroom house, meaning three bedrooms in the house with an additional "room" off the back of the attached garaged. No, she lied. Its two bedrooms, with an additional room off the back of the garage. So I have lost my office space. We went over and painted yesterday. We thought that there would be power to the place since they have to clean it and all still. No no power. So no entertaining Oscar while we worked. I heard a lot of "I wanna go home!" I don't want to hear anymore of it. So Jesse went today to finish up since, and I quote "You did such a good job yesterday." Does that sound like he's patronizing me? Because I feel patronized...I'm just not sure. Apparently I have fooled him into believing I can't do anything until yesterday when I painted both bedrooms, hallway, and living room, plus all the baseboards in the house. What did he do? He put protective plastic down on the floor...apparently that is a very hard job. (insert sarcastic emoticon here) So. It's a much smaller house, but the kitchen is bigger then this one here. There's a WORKING fireplace, just in case we don't want to pay for gas heat this winter, which I am all for. (insert shaking fist at Avista Utilities here) Uhm what else. OH! There's a really nice park just down the block, with a skate park, so I can practice my moooves on my long board. HA HAHA HAHAHA. Oscar really liked it though. There's a school on the other end of the park so if IF we are still in the neighborhood when Oscar goes to school its right there for him. The thing is...there's a school here in this neighborhood the same distance away...whatever. I'm nitpicking now. Uhm Oh it will only take Barb 3 minutes to get to work, which is nice, and probably only a half a gallon of gas instead of a quarter of a tank. So until she gets her car up here, which might someday happen, she can take it easy on our gas gage.
I'm not feeling any better about the move. I'm just getting better at pushing the emotions aside to get shit done. I could still burst into tears at any moment. This is what I don't like about me and depression. I'll back track a bit. When I was going to counseling, at first, I cried every session. After about a month or so I had a handle on things and wasn't breaking down at every second, thanks in large part to my prescription, and a small part on my counselor telling me not to take everything to heart and showing me coping skills. Anyway so I had to at one time see another counselor who told me "you're very happy for being depressed." Which makes me wonder what people think about depression. I mean if a "professional" thinks that just because I'm not bawling hysterically I'm not depressed what do normal people thing. Just because I can cope and push aside certain things one day doesn't mean that I'm not depressed. My valleys are really low when I get in them and they take me a bit to get out of them, a lot of self talk and a lot of thinking, but I can get out of them. It does take help from meds most of the time. And then when I get out of them I stay out for a while, until like recently, stressful situations hit me and hit hard. I just wish people wouldn't think that just because one day I paint a house with no problem or I'm smiling doesn't mean that I'm not feeling like shit on the inside. I'm pretty damn good at masking my feelings, I've done it my whole life. Because if I'm honest with myself, I've been depressed since high school. I just never let people know. And it wasn't difficult for me to hide it until I couldn't control it due to certain circumstances. Anyway I have learned that depression is tricky, and you don't get "over it" really ever. It's something that I have to cope with and control probably my whole life. And hopefully like the last time I was on the medicine I can wean myself off of them again.
Thanks for the helpful comments. I do appreciate them. And yes I have read "Eat, Pray, Love" and I enjoyed it.
And now I'm going to go and find some tea, because I somehow got a cold from somewhere, even though I haven't left my house in a week or so. (well before yesterday)
OH! Crap, no I have to tell you. PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING!!!!!!!
So painting...they haven't gotten in to clean the house yet, and they're doing that after we paint, but HOLY CRAP. Is it just me or does no one else clean up rentals before they leave them. EVERY place we've ever rented has been trashed before we get in, and they have to spend like a week cleaning it. These people didn't EVER clean. When I see dirt on doors in my house, visible dirt, I clean it off. When there is VISIBLE dirt and food on the walls, I clean them. I'm not a psycho cleaner, I'm just not a pig. The people that lived in the house, must have NEVER EVER cleaned the whole time they were there. It was so gross, and apparently they had a cat or something because there was animal hair all along the baseboards. And I know I KNOW this is probably terrible, but I didn't clean them before I painted, I just painted them...terrible. Oh and the master bathroom's door was so gross it was yellowing. Who lives like that?!?! Oh and then I made the mistake of opening up the refrigerator. Holy crap I almost died. So freaking nasty. Ugh, I don't get it.
Okay now I'm off to herbally medicate myself.

The Bitchiness Hides the Sadness

2009-10-02T22:03:00.000-07:00

We moved to Spokane about 5 years ago. We moved from place to place every year, or every six months depending. Our first place here was in a one bedroom apartment across the street from the biggest hospital in the area. It was a quaint little apartment and I liked it well enough. I didn't like that my car was broken into every other week. After I think a year of living there, or maybe less I don't remember we decided to save on rent and move in with some "friends." Well they were co-workers really. This lasted a year. In that time I got pregnant and we realized that we could not live with these people. We also lived in a neighborhood called "felony flats" and decided that we didn't like that very much anymore. Plus we were a little scared for our safety considering that two houses next to ours had recently burned down. I always though ours would be next. So after a short stay with my aunt and uncle that proved to be very enlightening, but helpful after my pregnancy we found ourselves renting at a low income apartment complex. It was nice enough, the neighbors didn't bug us, it was do-able. Okay it was small...two bedrooms wasn't enough space. So when the apartment next to us opened up we asked if we could just jump over to that one. So we upgraded to a three bedroom "town-house" which was all good. Rent was a little steep even for "rent controlled" complex, but again do-able. Then my sister decided to move to Spokane. And wouldn't it be great and help us all out if we all moved in together...........we didn't learn our lesson the first time. BUT! With this move we had found it. The good house, big back yard, school a block away, WONDERFUL neighbors! I am in love with this place. I don't want to ever leave it. I want to buy this house warts and all and grow old in it. After 5 long years we found a place we belong. I haven't made many new friends since college. I just don't like to. I don't make friends easily and I seem to lose contact quickly and not care much. Unless they have had a certain impact on me will I want to keep them around. I didn't really get along with our across the street neighbor until after my sister moved out. I don't know why, but that's how it went. And now we're good friends, she's good to talk to, she knows where I'm coming from with my crazy outbursts because she's a stay at home mom too. She's a little more nuts then I because she has 3 boys, not just one. But I like her, and her husband and Jesse get a long really well. Jesse doesn't have friends here, and I like that he has a buddy that he can hang out with on occasion.
Since my sister moved out we haven't been able to afford the rent. We've been drowning and slowly dying in this house and this wonderful neighborhood. Jesse's mom moved in. And although she has a job now, she and Jesse have it in their heads that "we" cannot afford the rent. And it's not in my place to say otherwise because I do not bring in any income...I figured out that we could afford 650 if Barb would pay 400, but alas, no I have been shot down. So next week we start packing again to move. I want to stamp my foot and yell and scream and cry and say "NO I WILL NOT GO!" But instead I'll cry silently, and try not to be such a huge bitch to everyone around me. I will get back on my antidepressants, with the help of a doctor friend, since I don't have my insurance anymore and I will shut up and go along with it. And even though I feel like I've been pushed aside I will just go along because that's what I do. I go along with whatever anyone else tells me to. I am not a strong proud woman. I am a coward.
I can't tell Jesse that all of a sudden I hate his mom, and that she annoys the crap out of me. I can't because I don't know if it's true of if it's my broken brain telling me I hate her. Because a month ago I was ready to keep her and get rid of Jesse and now...Now I can't stand her voice. I can't stand her chip on her shoulder about EVERYTHING. I can't stand that I feel like she's taking my place and the only thing that I have left to do here is have sex with Jesse and take care of Oscar just a little while during the day. I can't tell him that I want to leave. I want to go away and not come back and if he would say to me "well you can't take Oscar" I would say "I don't care." How terrible and sick is my brain to not care?! I just want to be by myself.
In the 6 years that we've been together we have lived on our own for only 2. And in those four years all I ever heard was "I can't wait to be on our own." And now?! He has yet to say those words. No...with his mom its "You can stay as long as you want." And now it's me that is saying "why can't we be on our own?!" "Why can't it just be us?" Are we that bad off that we can't be around each other anymore? On our own?
I don't even know where to start, so don't tell me that I need to talk to him. I've heard it. I know it. I just don't know where to start and I don't know how to approach him with out being a total and complete bitch to him. That's what I really want to do, I want to make him hate me. I don't think I'm meant to be around people for extended periods of time. Which really REALLY worries me once we move into the new place. Its smaller. And Jesse's mom is going to have a new shift at work that enables her to be home ALL DAY LONG. I LOVE my days with just me and Oscar. It messes with me every time Jesse has a day off.
So today when we found out that we could move into the new house, which will lower the rent $200 for us, I was not excited. I was not happy. And when Jesse's mom said to me "Isn't it great that we get to go see it! Isn't it exciting." All I could do was grit my teeth and say "yeah great!" Its not great. I'm not excited. I'm pissed. And I'm going to be pissed for a while.
So there.

Spiritual Death in the Family

2009-09-23T09:59:00.000-07:00

My family is very solid in our Catholic base. My mom made sure of it. We didn't get a choice on whether we could go to church or not. We went every Sunday, we went to CCD, (I still don't know really want it stands for), we went to potlucks and Mardi Gras every year. My mom, sister, and I got to go to Denver my 8th grade year and see the Pope. It was the single most moving experience of my life. To be surrounded by 100s of thousands of people and to see the most influential Catholic in the world was pretty amazing. And when our little group started chanting "John Paul 2 we love you." and he said "John Paul 2 loves you" was pretty much it for me. I think it went down hill from there though. Where do you go in a religion after you've been talked to by the leader?! After losing two of the best priests in the biz at our church and going through having a string of terrible ones, I kinda lost my love of the catholic church. It really came to a halt when they started handing out fliers of places we "should" boycott because they gave money to Planned Parenthood. I didn't like that because well P.P. was the only place I could get my birth control at the time, because I was broke and didn't have insurance. So I told my mom I was boycotting the boycott. I thought it was ridiculous. She told me something very interesting and my grandpa told me the same thing. "You don't have to believe EVERYTHING the church tells you."
For my entire life I have believed that Mormons had to be some sort of cult. My mom is friends with Mormon families in our town (its hard not to) but she's never liked the religion, she's a person that can separate the person from the belief, and most of the time I can too. My mom's main point is the fact that the Mormon religion isn't based on Christ, and she really can't understand that, she doesn't like that they live by a book not written "by the hand of god." So when Mormons would come to the door she would politely tell them to talk to "Sister So-and-So, she will tell you that I am very cemented in my Catholic faith" She's even invited Mormons in and shown them all that's wrong with their "religion", she's also done this with Jehovah Witness. Its pretty impressive actually. I myself never understood them, Mormons, they have too many secrets for me. Its probably the reason why I could never be in a sorority, too much secret stuff going on. I need to know EXACTLY what I'm getting into. And when you ask them questions they don't answer them. They just want you to go to meetings and I'm not for that. Tell me what its all about NOW.
My nephew has been "dating" this girl from his school now for three years or more, and she's nice and my sister adores her. But her family is very devout Mormon, and now unbeknown to my sister, my nephew has converted to Mormonism. I had no idea. My sister had no idea he was even thinking about it. One day he comes home and says "I'm getting baptized tomorrow." I have to side bar here....
Getting baptized to me is completely different then any other religion. Other religions baptize you into their church. Catholics baptize you to cleanse you from original sin, when your a baby, so you don't have to worry about it. The only reason they baptize adults is because they haven't been cleansed yet...
So she was pretty much hit with this pretty suddenly. I didn't find out till I called home after seeing weird status updates from my sister and my nephew. I talked to my brother and I said "what the heck?! What's going on?!" and he said "Well I got home at 11 last night and everyone was still up, and they were acting like someone died, and I asked, and they said 'Nephew, has converted to Mormonism.'"
What I don't like is that the girl's family who has a pretty close relationship with nephew didn't mention anything to HIS MOTHER...they did this all in secret, I'm thinking so that she wouldn't be able to convince him otherwise. So my sister and my mom went to his baptism, and sister asked my mom "should I take my camera? I don't know how to take this" and mom answered "No, he's already been baptized, you don't need anymore pictures." I love my mom.
So in response to this all I have taken to studying a couple books on Mormonism. And I have found some interesting things. Sure they have good family values, BUT, they can't voice their own opinions if they differ from the church. Sure they can "think" them, but they can't voice them. They have to believe EVERYTHING the church tells them...If their church told them to boycott P.P. they would have to. If I don't tithe at my church I can still do things for my church, Mormons can't.
But I feel as though there has been a spiritual death in our family, its not like Nephew was a church regular, but still. I wish that the Catholic church would fight hard to keep their flock as much as the Mormons do. I just feel weird about the whole thing. They get you to believe that their way is the ONLY way, and then if you disagree, well you don't get to go to heaven. But it's their "version" of heaven that has me all confused. Depending on how you look at it you can kinda think that the Mormon religion is almost like a Pyramid Scheme. You have to achieve different things during your life and if you complete all the challenges then in heaven you become a god! A GOD! And you have to populate your heaven with all the people in your religion, and people that they think should repent after they die like Hitler. Yes they baptized Hitler after he'd been dead for a while, just incase he wanted to convert to Mormonism after he died. Oh and so he could spend eternity with his mistress. Wait...so their okay with people having mistresses?
I guess I've become Agnostic. I don't go to church, I don't really get anything out of going to church. I can't stand other religions though because I just can't get into them. I suppose it was the 18 years of forced church attending that made me just really like Catholics over any other church. Plus most religions including my own believe that my child is a bastard, because Jesse and I aren't married. Oscar isn't less loved because we're not married. He's not missing out on anything because we don't share the same last name...I've tried to go to church, but more or less I just like talking to God on my own. I don't like people asking me if I've accepted Jesus as my personal savior, because really, I don't know. I know that I don't really like the hypocrisy of religion and of all of the churches.
If you made it through this blog, I apologize for the poor English and if it confused you. The whole thing confuses me.
I sometimes wonder though if it hurts my mom that we don't all still go to church as regularly as she does.

Am I a pedophile?

2009-09-22T10:36:00.000-07:00

I keep putting off my other blog idea because things keep coming to mind that are a little funnier and less uhm hard to talk about.
I have overdosed on caffeine this morning. *Note to self: Do not drink two cups of coffee when you don't consume caffeine on a regular basis* I'm all shaky and I'm watching the View.

Okay so the question: Am I a pedophile? On the View they were talking about this woman (http://www.parentdish.com/2009/09/21/innocent-bath-time-photos-get-kids-taken-away-from-parents/21)and man who got their kids taken away from them for a month after a employee at WalMart turned them in for bath time pictures. Uhm, thank GOD I took my pictures to CostCo! I had a picture, edited and I think one that wasn't developed at CostCo last year of Oscar in the bath. But now I'm scared!! My kid refuses to wear clothes, and I have tons of pictures of him! Swinging from a tree is the most recent one. Riding on his bike with only his helmet on. Hanging out on the couch, with only band aids on his un-hurt legs. Not to mention the multiple bathtub pictures. It could be considered animal/kiddy pron because the cat is in the picture...
We've gone to FAR! Sure the guy was suspicious but really? I know that pedophiles take many shapes and sizes but to take away their kids, and to get suspended from work for it is RE-GOD-DAMNED-DICULOUS. It makes me sick. They waste all this time on a family, breaking them apart and damaging them maybe permanently for what?!
There are so many injustices in this world, but I think this might top them for me, because it hits so close to home. I'm not afraid of taking the pictures but I am editing them before I put them on my facebook page...

Changing Names

2009-09-20T14:18:00.000-07:00

On facebook all the married people have a choice to put their maiden names on along with their married names so people who knew them "before" can find them easier. Leslie and I were discussing this and I felt left out, because I'm not married. I should be, but I don't want to, I have a blog about this some where around here, find it. Anyway so today I'm confusing the crap out of people and probably annoying some by putting my name on face book as my first name then my last name...twice. ITS HILARIOUS. But only to myself and Leslie, because we're freaking dorks.
I have a problem with the whole taking his last name when we finally do get married because I'm insanely attached to my last name. Since 6th grade I was only called by my last name so it essentially was my first name. So now that I'm 30 I've had this last name and I really REALLY like it. I don't really care for Jesse's last name, it just doesn't suit me, so I don't even think I would like to hyphenate it. Plus I don't really like when people hyphenate their last names, it just seems pretentious. Maybe not as bad as not even taking your husbands last name, but why do I have to? Do I? I mean does it really hurt me in the long run just to keep my last name? Come on how much longer would I have? Would it matter? I don't see us getting married in the next 5 years, so I'd be over 35 by then, and then how long would I last past then? Whats the point in changing it? Unless we win the lottery and can fly all, and I mean ALL of our family and friends to a huge wedding in Vegas, I don't think we'll be getting married soon. It is after all MY day right? And what I want is a big fancy to do at the Luxor hotel complete with an Egyptian themed wedding, down to the dress, which would mean I need to lose 100lbs, (I'm not even kidding). Plus I want all my friends from school to be there, and I want ALL my family to be there...which would cost everyone a pretty penny. Then there would be the honeymoon where we would go to Africa. Yes this is the dream. I can't see myself having a wedding at this point anyway. We're dirt poor, and I'm fat. I will not have my wedding pictures with me in them, looking the way I do. No offence to other women who have gotten married when they're heavy but I am not a cute fat girl. I look horrid fat. Other women look wonderful "overweight" I am not one of them. I HATE looking at pictures of me, I hate looking in the mirror, not that I liked it much before when I wasn't fat, but its worse now. Yet I have no motivation to change my appearance. Sure I put in a couple attempts here and there, but I have never made any bold moves to change my weight.
Ugh when did I de-rail??
This was supposed to be light and airy about changing my stinking screen name on facebook. And look where it went. I need to get back in to see a counselor, seriously. I'm losing it.
I watched Oprah the other day because my favorite Mariah Carey was on, and I cried, scratch that, I bawled. Yeah, and then there's this commercial for a cell phone on lately that had a little girl looking for her dog, and a college kid helps by sending the picture via phone to everyone he knows and low and behold! He finds the dog and as soon as the girl sees the dog, I swear to God I tear up instantly. Crazyness.

Okay so I said in my last post that I would blog about my nephew...and I will, I know you're waiting with bated breath...keep holding!

Oh You Thought I Forgot Didn't YOU?!

2009-09-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

No I did not forget about my poop story. I just haven't had the time to write. And now I look at the clock and realize that I still don't have the time because I have to do the nightly ritual of cuddling with the boy child for a half hour and then putting him to bed. It starts at 8 o'clock and it is now that time. So please hold while I get my boy ready for bed. And then...the poop talk BEGINS!

You know what's not "magical" about having kids? Potty training. I HATE POTTY TRAINING! There's nothing more un-magical than cleaning poop out of underwear. And you know what's even worse? When you think someone else has cleaned up the poop only to find a pair of little boy underwear in the sink of the bathroom with a surprise inside! I hated Jesse that day. I really did. And then he did something even better to me. After AFTER I had cleaned out the turd in the underwear that I thought he did, Oscar again pooped, this time outside. Jesse saw it first and said "oohh Randa, not it!" and I said to myself, "NOT IT?! NOT IT?! I CLEANED OUT THE TURDY UNDERWEAR NOT IT! YOU F-ING PIECE OF DOG CRAP!!!" I told you my anger was really really bad last week right? That kind of thought was going through my head a lot last week. Full of hate and anger, and chose not to talk like that to him and wipe quietly all while cursing his very existence. I have also had to clean up poop streaks from my bed. Oh not just my bed but my PILLOW. Yes my child put his poopy butt on my pillow. And yet people keep asking my "are you going to have another?" NEVER!! Oh, oh and now, he's decided he's a dog which apparently entitles him to pee on the real dog's bed! I love my boy. I love my boy. I love my boy. Oh wait, I forgot one. That angry day? Well it culminated with Oscar pooping in the tub. And that time yes I did yell. I did. I was getting Oscar out of the tub because Jesse was just sitting on his ass on the couch and not doing anything and thinking..."He was sitting in poopy water, Jesse's not doing anything, I have to clean this shit up." So I yell..." WILL YOU PLEASE COME PUT THIS KID IN THE SHOWER SO I CAN CLEAN THIS FUCKING SHIT UP!?! PLEASE!" And then finally he says "Do you want me to clean it? You seem kinda pissed.." "DUDE I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU RIGHT NOW I SWEAR TO GOD." (That last one was in my head.) "NO I will get this, just get him in the shower to clean off the shit please." And did he put him in the shower and actually clean him? NO, no he didn't he got him in there and that was it, didn't spray him down, I think he just turned on the water and Oscar protested so he didn't get him in there. Awesome. I'm not the biggest germophobe in the world but I know that when your kid is swimming in shit for a minute that maybe it might be a good idea to actually clean him.

So there, not so bad was it? I have gotten over my angry I think. I'm still getting slightly annoyed by silly little things that shouldn't annoy me, but still getting better as it goes.

Next time...My Mormon nephew and how I doubt he'll make it through a mission...unless they've changed the rules to let him listen to gansta rap...or if they've converted him so well that he doesn't listen to that stuff anymore.

Fighting with Hormones...

2009-09-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

Holy monkey I was a big ball of angry the past couple of days. I hate feeling out of control angry. I was angry at people for breathing, that's how angry I was. And was it PMS? Who knows because with the IUD I might have a period to show for it but I might not. So I was angry and emotional and a wreck for two maybe three days and for what? Nothin. I talked to my mom tonight and I was telling her about flunking a quiz, an open book quiz, because I couldn't find any of the damn answers and she says "yup, that's what happens, your hormones steal your brain." I hate them. Stinking hormones.
So for my transcribing I'm not supposed to put two spaces after periods, and for the life of me I can't stop that habit. So now I'm doing it on my blog, and I keep doing two spaces then deleting. Its pretty annoying.
Can I tell you something? I HAVEN'T HAD ANY SODA SINCE THAT BLOG! Yeah, that one down there...Not since then. I'm AMAZING! And I've been drinking a crap load of water, and I hate it, because I really want something more, and I'm hungry ALL the time, but I am just drinking more water when I'm hungry so I don't eat more, which works ohhh not very well.
Ugh i had to move my computer down, so I don't have to type on that stupid keyboard. And now my neck is already hurting, one minute after I put it down lower. I have to figure something out. That's the task for tomorrow. I think I might have a plan already, I'll just have to see if it will work, for right now, I lowered my chair and I'm leaned back all gangsta like.
Ugh I just messed around on my Facebook Farm Town game for too long, now its after 11. And I'm d-e-d dead tired. I shouldn't be because I took a 3 hour nap today. We all did. Oscar, Jesse and I, crashed the f out for three hours. It was good. But now I think I'm tired and I should be tired and yet here I am still typing away not wanting to go to sleep.
Tomorrow I might have to blog about poop, and why I hate Jesse and poop.

When passing feels like a big FAIL.

2009-09-10T11:21:00.000-07:00

Okay so I made it through 16 years of schooling only to find out that I am a grammatical re-tard. Every, EVERY! assignment that I have gotten back, including a mid-term has been no better then 85%. I can't seem to get their grammar style at all. I either put too many commas or not enough commas. I put too many semicolons or not enough and so on and so forth. Thank GOD I know where to put a period! I don't get it. I don't get the grading, and I know they have a set grading system so its not someone's judgement call every time. I just hope they're just super anal about the grammar and when I do finally go to work it won't be like this. Seriously I can understand misspellings on medical forms but are people really reading their own reports saying "hey, I think there should be a semicolon there, not a comma!"

Going back a bit, my first assignment was hell. They don't really tell you what they want, exactly so you're flying kinda blind, just going by what you've read in the book. And that is not the way I roll. I like knowing exactly what is going on and exactly what people expect out of me. So my first assignment was a massive fail the first time around 51%, yeah.... So I corrected it all while talking to a "advisor" on the phone and still only managed to get a 82% the second time around. While they talk about headings in the book they don't tell you anything concrete because "its up to the employer" so I only knew that the "chart note" that I was transcribing was really a SOAP note because my "advisor" told me so. And I was transcribing what the doctor was saying so when he said "Subject" I of course typed "Subject" and well I got that wrong because it was supposed to be "Subjective." And I was to know this because, I'm already a genius at Transcribing and well...wait no I'm not. So I'm kinda angry about all of this because its not like I have a teacher in front of me every day telling me "okay kids this is what grammar should be in M.T." I have a book that I read myself and when the book tells me something I do it, and then if its right I do it again. But then the second time I do it, it ends up being wrong! Its like the teacher I had for English Comp. who hated commas, only I figured that out a little too late, I got a D in the class and the only paper I got an A on was my very last one, I put one comma in the whole paper and well she circled it. I think I need a grammar refresher course or something. Or again I'm hoping they're just super anal about grammar.

So there you have it. My first mid-term came back with a 74% first time around, so I don't have to re-do it, but really? A 74%? Passing sure feels like failing sometimes. Oh and another thing, can they really call it a "mid-term" when there's two of them? And its not in the middle of the "term" at all?

In need of a "palet cleanser" STAT!

2009-09-09T18:37:00.000-07:00

We watch The Soup a lot. And now they have Web Soup on G4Tv that we have to watch, and they show "The Greatest Web Video Ever. (this week)" and usually its gross. So they have "The Palet Cleanser" which is usually a cute animal video. Last time I watched the palate cleanser was a dog riding in a kiddy swing. IT WAS ADORABLE! So this leads me to this...

My sister posted a video on Facebook of a guy getting a zit, or a boil, rather popped on his back. I gagged. Seriously I turned around and gagged. Jesse lasted a whole 30 seconds and had to walk out of the room, he came back just in time to see a stream of puss getting squeezed out and shuddered violently and ran out.
Please if you have a weak stomach like I do, be careful watching this:

http://www.iamboredr.com/media/13891/OMFG_Its_gotta_be_the_biggest_zit_in_the_world/

and when your done...watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQ80ONmexJY

Ahh now don't you feel better?

So I had an intervention on my self today. That's right I intervened myself. I went on Facebook, yes before I got done with homework, and deleted my Vampire Wars game. And then I went on to delete all, ALL, the friends that I made playing the game, because really they weren't "friends" in the strictest sense of the word. But it made me anxious for some reason, and I even feel anxious when I talk about it, which is odd. The only thing is now that I only have 124 friends, I'm bored, and the other games that I play suck now because I don't have as many friends, so I'm kinda regretting deleting them all. But! I know that if I just deleted the game the comments about the game would suck me back in so I had no choice.

Okay so my goals...I did not get off my butt today. I didn't. I'm sorry. I did eat, a little less, then yesterday. I had no soda. But this isn't hard for me really, because I don't leave the house much its really relying on Jesse to get me the soda, and well if I tell him not to once he won't ever get it for me. But I did spend less time on Facebook today. LESS. And tomorrow it might be even lesser! Oh! I got one assignment done. I didn't do too bad on it either. I'm thinking I'll do another one tonight. I don't want to get to crazy. So! For tomorrow!

1. GET OFF MY BUTT AND DANCE! or do the Wii Active, that's why I stole it from my sister in the first place.
2. Get ALL of my assignments done.

I think that's it. I'm thinking if I stick to a couple goals a day I'll do better in the long run.
Oh, the herbal uppers...its just a lot of Vitamin B. And Niacin. I don't know if they're working or not, it takes me a bit to adjust to them, a while back I was drinking EmergenC three times a day and it took I think three days for me to get any energy out of it, I think because my body is so depleted of any sort of goodness that it takes a bit for it to get an excess so I can have that energy.

I watched the Presidents speech tonight, I liked how he laid the smack down. It was good, but the thing that I don't like is everyone is always talking about the insurance companies. Yes they are bad, BUT if the damn hospitals and doctors didn't charge so damned much maybe we wouldn't have to have expensive insurance to cover our asses. I was a little worried early on in the speech how he said that we would "all have to have insurance, like car insurance." And to that I say UHHH wha?! Just to be clear though he did state later that if you can't afford it you will get it for free or for less money. That made me breath again. Because if I can't afford car insurance, I just don't freaking drive! Plus how are they going to know if you have health insurance or not? I mean if you never go to the doctor why have it? Yes I know for accidents but like Chris Rock says "its in case shit happens" I think that's bullshit. I think that there should be automatic coverage for everyone, with out charging us. Because we're in the position right now that we can't even afford $20 extra dollars a month. So if the heath insurance that WE HAVE TO HAVE is more then that, well take us to jail! The thing is Jesse hasn't been covered by insurance his whole life, and I think he's been to the doctor oohhh NEVER in the past 6 years. God knows the guy probably has stomach and mouth cancer from the chew but he hasn't complained yet! So I think that his insurance should be a lot less then someone like myself who was having to go to the doctor every three months just to chit chat about my depression. The WHOLE health care system here is BROKEN. Not just the Insurance. Heath Care is broken. And needs to be fixed.

Can you believe all the topics I'm covering?! I'm all over the map tonight!

Jesse applied for a security job today, lets hope they ask him to come in before they reject him. I got word from my neighbor that the bank that her sister works at might be hiring soon and if so she is going to put in a good word for me with her boss. Part time, three days a week. That will do!

You know what happens when you stop paying your credit card bills? You get 15 calls a day from an "unknown" number, that will not leave a message. They don't get it, I know why they're calling, if they'd leave a message and tell me who they are I might give them a call back. Okay that's a lie, I won't, because you can't squeeze blood from a turnip, and when your rent is $1050 a month and your man is only bringing in well not much more then that, you tend to say "hmm, get kicked out of my house or put my phone on vibrate so I don't have to hear credit card companies calling me?" The only bills we have been paying are: Rent, electric, water, sewer, car payment, and car insurance. And had we been smart in the past well that's all we would have to pay but nooo we said "You'll still have work Jesse! You'll still be making $2700 a month in a couple months!" Boy were we wrong!
So! This is why I need to get done with my classes. And I need to get a good job that pays me a decent enough wage to be able to pay all the bills at which time will have all gone to those damn evil collections companies who are usually assholes. But! I will pay them! One day! Hopefully soon! We're hoping and praying, well I'm praying, you know Jesse doesn't do that, but anyway that he gets a job that is CONSISTANT! That's all we need, consistancy.

Alright I think I'm done for the evening. Enough randomness for you all? Good!

Holy buckets of guacamole!

2009-09-09T14:48:00.001-07:00

Firstly, I was totally not joking when I was talking to Randa yesterday. She should throw the phone and be depressed. Be depressed!

Part B: I was thinking about taking a class all about Algorithims...but once I figured out it wasn't about Al Gore dancing, I think I changed my mind. You know they're going to make me write out ridiculous algorithims until my brain explodes...or I become a doctor.

Third: It is beyond time for me to become spectacularly weathly for numerous reasons. Of course I would give appropriate amounts of money to charity and people I don't hate. But I want to buy a ton of yarn for no reason. And I want to move to Europe. Although moving with a boxes and boxes of newly purchased yarn could be spendy. Ah well, I'd be rich. Don't worry, Randa, I would bring you with me to be my yarn nanny!

I am having one of those really tired days, where I put sugar in my water glass instead of my coffee cup. It's crazy days like these where Randa and I come up with our funniest money making schemes that involve us being funny and no one understanding us. Like the Meaty and Beefy Comedy Duo. Or terrorist cats. Or wizard cats. Man, I need a nap.

Herbal Uppers

2009-09-08T22:31:00.000-07:00

First I have to say because you don't know this, but my keyboard is super loud. And I hate it, but I had to put the laptop up on a shelf to get it eye level because it was killing my neck to look down at it all the time, so I have a usb keyboard that I'm using and I HATE IT! The keys stick, and its, again, loud. Whew...okay got that out of the way.
I'm feeling super PMSy with out the show, I guess that's the P in the MS...correct? Yes! Okay so I really wanted to throw the phone today even though I knew KNEW Leslie was joking when she was talking to me. All my emotions are all out of whack, I keep crying at commercials. So I talked to my oldest sister and I was telling her about not being able to concentrate and feeling like my depression was coming back with a vengeance and no I can not go to a doctor because I no longer have health care thank you very much...I can't stand this keyboard...I don't care about neck pain at the moment....ahhhh that's better, I rearranged and go the lappy down.
Anyway! Back to the lecture at hand. So I'm talking to my sister and she tells me that she got some herbal pills from her chiropractor to help her ween off of her anti-depressants, but she didn't do it so she has these pills and says "hey I'll send them up to see if they work for you!" I got them this afternoon, and we'll see how they help. I have no motivation. none. Don't want to do it. Every time I get on the computer all I do is get sucked into Facebook. You know, I scoffed when I heard a friend deleted her FB account because she was spending "too much time" This was me: "scoff! too much time?! just quit going on it so much, you don't have to delete it completely" I believe now that you do. I wish I had her email addy so I could say "I am with you sister!" I'm debating on whether or not to do just that, but its too hard to even think about, my palms sweat, just thinking about it.

Oscar's third birthday was a success. He had a ton of fun, and mostly because there were lots of people here for him to play with. The boys across the street came over (3 boys), My other sister and her two came and then our neighbor girl game over. Oscar had a blast. And I looked at him early in the day and was actually amazed, and here's where my emotions come out, and I was just, just...I don't know blown away that I had a baby three years ago, and here he is...talking to me, and bossing me about stuff, and its almost creepy if I over think it. Anyway sorry for the side track. My aunt and uncles came which was nice, I figured they would try and find a way out of it but it was Sunday and they usually do Sunday dinner, so I got to do that for them. Even though all I really did was pasta salad.

I have a few things that I can do.
1. Cook pork chops that you will die for
2. Pasta salad that my family seems to love
3. Make invites, but my limit is apparently 5

So anyway again sidetracked...do you see this? I have the attention span of a three year old. Crap where was I? Oh the birthday party...after it was all done, I got a text from my friend who told me "I just puked in my hand at the bar" and at that moment, I was jealous. That's right, not "happy about where I am in life." but "jealous" How weird am I? I should be content with my life! I have what a woman wants right? A man who's always home and works his butt of to provide for us. A wonderfully bright little boy who everyone falls in love with. I should be happy right? I shouldn't want to be out drinking and puking in my hand! But I do! I DO! What is wrong with me?! The thing is that if I were single at this moment in my life I would stand no chance of even getting laid. I'm 100lbs over weight, and that's no bullshit, and lets face it, guys really have high standards now, especially now that I'm 30. I'm no longer 22, which pains me to say. I know I should be looking forward instead of back, but forward to what? To my illustrious career as a Medical Transcriptionist? Face it, its not my dream job. Its going to put money in my pocket and let me stay at home where I want to be, instead of in an office with a bunch of bitchy backstabbing douches. Yeah I said it. But what is my dream job?! A while back all I could think about is being a basketball coach? Where did that go?

This is what I don't like about depression, and this is why I wish I could always go to a counselor so I could actually talk this out with someone. Someone neutral. Someone who can give me tools to get over this, and make me see that I am a grown up now.

So now that I'm on the computer like ohhh anywhere from 8 to 12 hours out of the day, I shit you negative on that one, my back is not happy. My neck is not happy, I am not happy. And have I done anything pro-active about this? No no I haven't because I have no will to do anything like exercise. Oh I did...for three days. That's apparently my limit on exercise, which is weird because back in the day I didn't mind going to strength training class every day and basketball practice. Man how times change a person.

So if I put goals on this here blog is anyone going to hold me to them? Anyone besides myself because you know I can't be held accountable for myself. I need a bigger readership for this endeavor I believe.

GOALS:
1. Lose weight like STAT...okay that's ridiculous.
Restart (I can't find the strike through...to make it all fancy like I'm really writing this out)

GOALS:
1. Get mobile, like dance around or something, for 10 minutes.
2. GET OFF FACEBOOK!
3. Complete some assignments for the LOVE OF GOD!
4. Stop drinking soda.
5. Eat less. (I eat man sized portions, I'm trying to keep up with Jesse who burns 5000 calories a day)

So tomorrow I will not go on Facebook until my class work is done. Got that? Hold me to it? OK!

OH! Crap, its almost 11pm, and I need to talk about my classes. Save it for tomorrow. AFTER GETTING DONE WITH MY ASSIGNMENTS. (I'm behind schedule...my new schedule)

Peace out

Dirrty, and other Photos

2009-08-27T19:25:00.000-07:00

I take pictures of Oscar all the time. Just not with a very good camera. I know I should have one of those fancy 10 megapixle cameras like everyone else, but all I have is my phone. And my camera that I got for getting pregnant from my mom. Which for some reason I barely use, probably because it won't fit in my pocket as well as my phone does. So here goes...Here's some pictures I've posted on Facebook and now posting on here!

That is a peice of rug from outside, he and Otis like to pack it around and play with it. Apparently he had to show it to me for this picture. And it took me forever to get him to look at me. See how dirty my kid is?! And yes he's naked. He's naked pretty much all day everyday as soon as he gets up. I have no idea what we're going to do in winter. Or school, once he goes to school!

This is Oscar hugging Otis before bed time. He has to give Otis "love" every night, you can't see Otis's head because Oscar has him in a typical headlock.

I didn't tell him to put his hands up like that I swear! He did it on his own. I don't know who's teaching him those things!

So there you have it. Just a couple pictures for now.

Side note. First assingment came back...yuck. That's all I'm saying for right now.

Already Ahead of Schedule!!

2009-08-24T19:25:00.001-07:00

So I set my schedule yesterday. I decided to just tackle the terminology for the chapter today, and I did that, then I moved on and I did my assignment for the day, that I want to turn in but I can't until they grade my other assignment. So I did two other elective assignments while waiting. I keep looking on my page to see if they've graded yet but they haven't. I'm mad. I'm mad like this: ggggggrrrrrrrr! if I could make an angry little face I would.
My shoulders still hurt, I think I hunch over too much with out noticing. I think its because I lean back in my chair too. Its an automatic thing.

Barb had her first day at work, and she came home so happy it was rediculous. She was a regular chatty cathy! All the way home telling us what happened and how wonderful this casino is compared to the one in Burns. She reminds me of a kid most of the time. She's so wonderful. She even missed me and Oscar even though she had so much fun at work. I missed her. I didn't have near the amount of time on the computer as usual. Which is probably a good thing. Vampire Wars is getting updated a lot lately so its slow. And I'm getting mad at the game because people are attacking me so often that I don't have enough time to attack anyone to get my stats up. They keep knocking me down.

Thanks to Amber by the way for starting to "follow" me. I'm feeling less losery by the day!

Setting a Schedule

2009-08-23T11:11:00.000-07:00

I've decided I better start living by a schedule with my course. This last one is tough and if I had my way I would just not do it it all, but I need to get it done. I have a tough schedule to keep. I'm going to get done with an entire book in a month. Okay HOPEFULLY. I'm going to see how well I do with this first one. Actually its the 5 lesson, and its taken me a week or two to get there. I think it has anyway, the last couple weeks have gone by too fast for me to tell really.
Oscar keeps coming into the office every so often to do a little dance to what's playing on my itunes and then leaving again. He's currently wearing a pair of pants that are way too big for him. I think they're for 5 year olds. But he likes them so why not. He was also previously dragging a piece of paper hooked to a leash calling it a puppy. Already with a good imagination! He's started giving his cars voices now, he likes to make them talk to each other. "Hi Speed Racer, what you doing?" "CRASH!"
Sorry for that side step. Back to me!
I cleaned my office up today. Again, I think I cleaned it last week, I had to again today though, because last night I made a card for Leslie finally. And my office looked like paper exploded. Then I put up posters to try and cover up the white walls. If I can't have paint then I'll have pretty pictures. I signed up for a poster thing on the net a long time ago, bad mistake because it made my credit card go over the limit, but good idea because I really like the posters. I also have posters from a "manga" of Jesse's that I'm tempted to put up. I like the style of Anime, its interesting, sure its a cartoon but its still pretty artsy.
My left arm keeps going numb. I should get this looked at I think, and before the end of the month because apparently the state didn't get my paper work I turned in and now they're kicking me off at the end of the month, unless I can get through their phone system tomorrow and tell them that they made a mistake and I DID get my paper work in on time. Its not so much my arm but just mostly my left hand. Which is not good because I love my left hand. I can't live with out my left hand. I haven't noticed any other changes in it though. I'm wondering if I have a pinched nerve somewhere. Or a collapsed vein. My upper back is all funky, and my shoulders are too, somethings going on. I need better posture and to maybe stay off the computer. I think I'm on here 6 hours a day at least. And really, I'm not doing anything at all. I'm just dicking around on Facebook all day. Terrible. And writing a blog that no one reads. That's always good. Yes Amber I know you read it! You need to sign up for blogger so you can follow me!! So I at least have 2 followers. I'm so lame.
I've been up since 7 and this day has drug on terribly slow. Its only 11:20am and it feels like it should be 2 at least.

Trepidation

2009-08-21T18:53:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to decide if I want to post my blog website on Facebook or not. Its not like expect EVERY one of my friends to come and read my blog but that's what I'm afraid of. I'm scared that people will come here and read and not like what they read, and or get pissed about what I say. Sometimes I like to ramble on about things and bitch about situations and I don't mean to make anyone mad. I'm just venting. This said I would like more people to read my blog.
I would like to become more of a better blogger too though. I would like to have well thought out blogs that have more pictures and more of a flow then just a stream of consciousness. I want to start researching my topics and posting Internet links to things that I've read. But then again I'm lazy and I just want to type whatever comes into my brain....

So! I did my first assignment that I could not cheat on for my Medical Transcription course. I'm sitting with bated breath waiting for them to get back to me to tell me I was a colossal failure and that I should quit now. I'm such a good self motivator! Is that the right phrase? hmm. Maybe I'm really good at talking myself down so when I do get the grade I will be pleasantly surprised.
I dunno though, it scares me because I don't know exactly how to do everything. I have a problem with that. I have to know EXACTLY what I'm doing on something, or I worry that I've done it all wrong. And with this they don't have a "set form" for the stuff that I'm transcribing, so its basically up to me on how to set up all the words on paper.

Did you know that Transcribing is a lot harder then it sounds? I can type fast, but you know that people talk WAY faster then anyone can type? Your brain just doesn't just automatically take those spoken words and put them into your finger tips. It takes a lot to get there! I know its going to take a lot of practice for me to get my speed up. Right now I'm working on just getting the stinking words! I honestly think that some of these "doctors" on the CD that I'm listening to just make up words for fun. "hmm lets try...edemanocyanosis...yeah that sounds like a good one!" I swear to god the guy said that word, and is it any medical dictionary that I have? Nope...it wasn't on the online that I found either. The two words fit the discription... edema and cyanosis, and the o is the connector vowel...but I can't find the stinking word anywhere! So now I'm waiting, and waiting impatently at that for my assignment to come back to me so I can see what I did wrong. I have to get a 70% or above to move on to the next one. On the other ones that I could self grade, I got 80% and above, with out cheating I swear! On one of them I only missed one word! Because again, I couldn't understand the "doctor."

Twitter has to be one of the most annoying things in the whole world. Honestly. I don't understand it, I don't get if you "reply" to people if they actually can see it or if they have to go to your "twitter" to see the reply. I don't really know why I'm on there anyway, except to amuse myself, and I'm failing to do that. So I think with that, I'm done with twitter. Unless I get like a million followers overnight. ha! ;)

My best friend the Super Spy.

2009-08-19T20:53:00.000-07:00

She's such a good spy that I don't even know that she is one. I have this theory, because I'm really bad with secrets that my best friend V is really a spy and she just hasn't told me because I'll tell everyone. See I'm already doing it and I haven't proven it yet! The thing is she's always complaining about her job and sometimes when she is I just imagine her putting all her spy gear together while she's talking to me. She's saying "man I have to find another job" all the while she's tightening up her silencer on her .45. I've come to this conclusion because we were watching "Lie To Me" which is an awesome show by the way, and one of the plot lines had to deal with two people that had been taken hostage. They found out that one girl was actually a spy. HER MOM DIDN'T KNOW!! The dad knew, because well he could keep a secret obviously, but her mamma didn't! And I told Jesse, "I swear if Oscar becomes a spy I better know about it because that is AWESOME!" And he responded "He couldn't tell you because you can't lie, or keep a damn secret." And its true. However! There are certain things that I keep very secret. That I don't tell anyone and I probably never will tell. Its just that most of the time I can't do it. See my problem is that I can't lie and if someone asks me a direct question I HAVE to tell them the honest truth. I have too many tells, I can't even lie on the phone! Its terrible. I'm like Tommy from Trainspotting. I never do drugs and I never lie. So after talking about Oscar being a spy I decided that V is a CIA spy like she's always wanted to be, she just can't tell me because I would immediatly go onto my blog or on to facebook or twitter and say "OMG MY BEST FRIEND IS A SPY!!!!" And then she would be fired.

I started twittering. Yeah I said it. I've started following random famous people just because, I honestly don't like twitter. But I like to say things that pop into my head and know that no one is really reading what I'm typing. Kinda like this blog! Its boring honestly, and I don't understand how people get twitter messages to other people. It makes no sense to me! So I'll probably get bored of it, unless they start putting games like Farm Town on Twitter.

I am a Vampire farmer. That's right. Facebook has all sorts of silly games that you can play. My lovely sister Katie got me started on FarmTown. Litterally she got it started for me, she also "friended" a whole bunch of people from my home town which kinda peeved me at first, because I liked being a facebook snob with my 45 friends. But then I got over it because my farm was prospering. Then one day...

I saw it...

An ad on the side of the page that said "Join Us."

And I became...A...VAMPIRE!!!

And not a wussy Twilight vampire either. A cool Vampire. Here I'll show you what I look like as a Vampire:

Yeah in the dark of night this is what I look like. Do you see me? Hanging out on the streets of Vegas in my ripped jeans and my no shirt. All my awesome arm tattoos? That's right you better be scared.

So in this Vampire game you attack other Vampires. But there is a code. You don't attack another Vamp three times or more in a row. Or you get sent to the "Hit List" where other bigger stronger Vamps can "kill" you. You can also bite other Vamps. When you can't hit list them.

I love it. I don't know why, its not the most exciting game but I play it all the time. This is why I can't have an office job. I get stuck on these games and that's all I want to do. I can't leave my computer all day or I get worried that people are attacking my Vamp and I'm not able to defend myself.

Anyway, just a warning, if you're playing a game on facebook watch out because you might get addicted. You might end up a Vampire.

Back to the Lighter Side of Me.

2009-08-18T21:51:00.000-07:00

So Oscar is obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine. He has to watch it all day long. I put it on in my bedroom so if I want to watch tv I can. Anyway this DVD that we have is titled "Dirty Percy" Do you have any idea where this is going? Oh its going to Awesomeville...I asked Oscar "who's that?" Refering to Percy. And he says "Duddy Puthy" say it outloud for me. Okay I'll wait for the laughter. Are you laughing? Because I was peeing my pants. I'm a terrible mother! All day today I kept asking him to say Dirty Percy. And laughing hysterically. We're going to call Jesse's brother and say "This is what Oscar thinks about your girl friend "duty puthy'" HAHAHAHHAAA I'm terrible. Horrid aweful mother. But I'm laughing!

I have to tell you something. I did something strange today. I got on to Twitter! I am now Tweeting. And not just serious things, mostly just random stuff that pops into my head. I'm like that dad on the Verizon commercial. "Yeah dad I know your on the patio" Yup that's me. Its funny, but I had to have help to find people to follow. I was being followed...by spammers. YIKES! They kept asking me to view their picts! I don't want to look at your pictures!

I had a headache all day long the other day. A knock me on my ass all day headache. I don't get those. The weird thing was that two weeks ago, my neice had a headache and was vomiting over here, and then the next day her brother started puking and had a headache. Then I think the next day Oscar was puking. I don't know if he had a headache or not, he had a fever though, 2 year olds don't know what headaches are to tell you. Anyway so then two weeks late I'm struck down by the same damn headache!! I didn't puke though only because I stayed still and refused to puke. I don't puke. So I got over it, yesterday was kinda rough, but today I'm back up to speed. I did try to do some transcribing but they don't give me any kind of form to follow and just vauge references to some sort of formating. So I have no idea how to format any of it. I keep re-reading my book and it really doesn't tell me anything and the "examples" they have don't fit with with the dictation sounds like. So I'm confused. I'm going to have to either email someone or call it in. I don't want to email really because the last people I had to email were kinda rude, I don't know if its just email talk or what but it came off as rude to me.

Anyway! I think I'm all done for the night. I've played as many rounds of Vampires as possible. That might be my next topic. "Games on Facebook." I'm considering it. That or "My friend V might be a spy and just not telling me." Or both who knows!

Love Peace and Chicken Grease!

Blogging Block

2009-08-14T21:10:00.001-07:00

I don't know if its creeping back in or what, but I'm having a hard time focusing on things and or staying on topic lately. Not that I don't want to get my class done right now but I really don't want to work on it. I'm on the chapter now that I actually have to start transcribing and I'm petrified of it. I have refused all week to work on it. Terrible. I want to use the excuse of "I'm coming down with something" but really that shouldn't stop this. My left tonsil feels like its going to explode. Or cut of my air way. I don't know which at the moment.
I was thinking of all the things I could start blogging about that would actually keep someone's interest. And then they all went out of my brain and I can't think of them anymore. I do have to say one thing though, my obsession with Facebook has gotten to a point where I can't stand certain people and what they post. I want to un-friend them because of their political views. That being said I don't think politics has a place on Facebook. Its a place for friends really, and some people should not try and start political debates on FB because they're not very smart about politics. I don't start shit because I don't know shit. And I know someone is going to know more then me and put me in my place eventually. But I'm tired of all these right wing assholes thinking that just because President Obama said something about wanting change and it hasn't happened YET that he needs to be voted out of office RIGHT NOW. Do people not understand that change takes time? And its only been a little over 7 months since the man got into office and he has to deal with some shit? Oh and the fact that its not JUST his decision. You know he has to deal with Congress and the Senate and ohhh the Voting Public too right?! And just because you don't understand his take on health care reform doesn't automatically make him a socialist. And I hate that people are likening him to Hitler. HITLER...seriously? And if you don't want health care because "I don't want my government running my health care" then you should vote to get rid of Medicare, and Medicaid right? I'm on state health insurance and I have yet to have a problem. Oh wait there has been one hiccup...my doctor no longer takes Asuris so I would have to switch to Molina, if I want to keep him as a doctor. So my choice, change my insurance or change my doctor. I have yet to decide, I like my insurance better then my Old Man Doctor. Who every time I go in to see him looks at me like I'm a wilting flower. Soo I think I'm leaning towards NEW DOCTOR! Anyway the thing is the whole reason we need health care reform is because most people can't afford insurance. And if they have insurance its expensive and in the long run doesn't really help, because you have co-pays and deductibles and certain things aren't covered. Oh and you know what I love?! I LOVE when the people who are criticizing heath care reform post these little things on FB that want you to sign a FB petition about getting coverage for people who are prone to breast cancer. Wait. Does that make sense? They don't want the government impeding on THEIR health care, yet they want to send in a petition for people who MIGHT get breast cancer? People are re-tarded. I just wish they would use common sense. That's all this is. Common sense!
Heath care hits close to home for several reasons. Jesse has never had health insurance his whole life. Yes his mom paid out of pocket for everything if needed. His shoulder has been 'bugging' him for at least 2 years now. Will we be able to afford to get him in and possibly be told he needs surgery? NOOO. Jesse's mom is going through pre-menopause and has a huge hormonal imbalance going on right now. She can't afford the hormone pills. Or the doctor's visits, she also needs to just get a hysterectomy, but, even if she COULD get insurance, she gets denied because she's HAD cervical cancer! YAY FOR INSURANCE!! I'm waiting for the day that the state kicks me off of the health care, and I hope to god I stay healthy for a little while after that. And I thank the State of Washington for covering my son, no matter what while he is still young. And hopefully when I do get working again I will have health care, that is REASONABLE. That's all I want. I want something that doesn't cost $1000 a month with $50 co-pays and $500 deductibles. That's ridiculous. That's more then ridiculous, its BULLSHIT. The insurance system as is...is BULLSHIT. And it needs an overhaul. Of any sort. And I don't care what anyone says, I would love LOVE to live in Canada, where you get medical care when you need it. And the bull shit TV add that I saw about some lady having to come to America because Canada wouldn't help her. I just want to know how much she had to PAY for that surgery here. Because that's what it comes down to. Sure they'll give you care, but HOW much is it going to cost YOU? My dad had to have a t-cell transplant. 1 million dollars, right before that my mom's insurance got switched to another provider. They had to fight to get him covered for that. He had to have it. He wouldn't be here today with out that transplant. They still had to pay out a butt-load after what insurance covered. My mom's insurance payment is almost half of her check every month. For two people. TWO PEOPLE! She pays almost $1000 a month for insurance, yet they won't cover her hormone treatments for menopause, nope she has to pay for those pills out of pocket...$500 a month. And if she doesn't take them, well she'll either kill someone or kill herself.
So much for blogging block! whewh. I'm spent. I need to get off this computer and go to bed.
That's my rant. I think I'm done.

Whoohh Mamma its been a while

2009-08-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

I know I said that I would be blogging more since I got this new computer, but saddly Facebook has taken over my life. I'm trying really hard, okay not really, to get away from it but I can't stop myself. I'm sitting in my big bed with a sick little boy. I don't know what's the matter with him, fever, puking, that sort of thing. And he won't take any tylenol without puking it back up. So he's kicked his dad out of bed tonight. Which I was assured was okay because "I'm going to stay up retarded late anyway" Yeah he said that. Direct quote.

Life has been random lately. Ups and downs and ups and downs. My classes are going good I think. I passed my Advanced Medical Terminology with a 93% and now I'm doing a typing class which is "re-dunkulous" because well I'm typing over 70wpm net. That means that after my errors I'm still going at 70+. Yeah I'm pretty much amazing. But now I'm at a stand still because I'm waiting for reply's back about the final. I have to have a proctor for the exam and well I don't know anyone that can do that. Do I have a clergy member on call? Ugh, so I've skipped ahead to the next book which I already started before I started the typing and stopped to do the typing thing. And its just a bunch of reading about what I'm going to be doing. BORING! I want to learn HOW to do it, not what someone else's experiance is.

Jesse's mom is living with us now. And her dog and her cat. Can I say that this was the best idea EVER! And I'm not being sarcastic. She's wonderful. She watches Oscar for me while I dick around on the computer all day. She cooks she cleans, I'm sure she does windows! I love her. She's good company to talk to and its surprisingly not akward! I pretty much forget that she's Jesse's mom and I think of her as a friend. aww aww I know! The best is that Oscar doesn't call her Grandma, he calls her "Barb" its hillarious. He doesn't even come into our room in the mornings any more. He goes straight for the stairs and calls for her. "BARB! WHERE ARE YOU!" "OTIS!(that's the dog)" And then Otis comes up and slobbers on him and they wrestle. They're good buds, and Oscar told Barb the other day "my dog" so he has apparently taken ownership of Otis, and vice versa. Its great. He's a big dog too, so Oscar can put him in a headlock and wrestle him to the ground without fear of breaking bones. Otis did give Oscar a bloody nose though, that was funny. I mean tragic. Otis jumped over Oscar and his hind leg hit him in the nose, after the nose was fixed Oscar had to tell Otis to "Get out!" The only problem is that Otis has now ruined Oscar for any other dog, my aunts Jack Russell has found this out after Oscar tried to put her in a head lock. Yeah little dogs are funny. She didn't like that so much.

Our housing situation has stablized just a little. They're not auctioning off the house, which is good, but Barb can't find a job, or hasn't until just the other day, which is not good. Jesse can't make enough money to pay $1050 for rent and the other bills. Sooo I was looking for a job, and got no where, because no one wants to hire someone who hasn't worked in 3 years, because apparently now I'm a re-tard. But now Barb has a job offer from a casino, and all she has to do is pass the background check and she'll be on her way. The downside, is that its graveyard and only 2 days a week. Possibly more if people call in sick. I'm taking my kid to the casino to get everyone sick. ha! This is another reason for wanting to get done with my classes STAT. And another reason why I'm kinda mad that they don't get back to me about things right away and that they won't just let me take the final without a proctor. "Look at my typing scores!" Oh back to that for a moment...On one typing test I got 84wpm. That's right 84. No mistatkes. Yeah why do I have to take the final??

wheehw. I guess there's really nothing else that I can type out at this point in time. I'm hoping that funny things will happen and I can blog about them but most of the time I just feel like I'm writing in a diary. And right now I don't really want to do that very much. Sooo I was thinking of doing something else, but it would take a lot of work so I don't know if I'm up for it. I'm on the computer enough as is.

Wait! I forgot! Sooo I got the wii back from my sister for a little bit and I got back on the Wii fit. 161 since my last weigh in. I GAINED 6 LBS!! Crap. So I started doing the Wii Active game and it is fun! I love it. I did it yesterday and today. I know! Its amazing! And I've been trying to eat smaller portions again. Which is hard when I'm angry and stressed and sad because my "shut off switch" stops working when I'm those things. So yeah progress is being made. I'm trying to lose 10lbs before Mel wants the Wii back. She says she wants it back on Sunday, which is tomorrow, but I'm going to hopefully keep it until her kids get back. I really really want to work out. Which is crazy because I never want to work out.

Something is going on outside our house. People are screaming about something, I think I need to go investigate. Couldn't see anything.

Okay now I'm really done. I need to go to sleep. I'll probably be up in the middle of the night getting puked on!

New Computer!

2009-06-29T11:08:00.001-07:00

Well I’m home and I have my new computer and if my son will stop crying for a moment, I’ll be able to set up my school stuff. I’m happy to be home. It was wonderful and fun to be with Leslie again, but really there’s no place like home. I love coming home after long trips, it just decompresses me. No matter how good of a time I had I always like being home. We had a great time though, Oscar had lots of fun with Leslie’s kids and we got to go see the Oregon Coast which I haven’t been since high school. We played and walked, A LOT. Well not a lot for Leslie because she’s some sort of walking machine, but a lot for me. I got three blisters on one foot, that’s gotta be some sort of a record. I did lunges for the first time since high school, and fell…I pulled my thigh muscle stepping into a hot tub and hmm what else did I injure. I swear to god I’m a walking accident.

Anyway more later, I have to get going on this school stuff while my kid is distracted…

My Naked Runaway Boy...

2009-06-12T15:44:00.000-07:00

So you know how I was laughing at my mom about Oscar running away naked? Well I learned never to laugh about something like that. I had to chase him a half block away today...He was naked from the waist down. I swear to god I'm going to have to duct tape clothes on this kid. Oh and the house that I found him in front of...a cop's house. YAY!! Stinking kid. Now he's happily playing in the backyard with the hose...Hopefully that will keep him entertained for a bit.
I'm not ready to leave my mom's. Not mentally, but physically. I have a lot to do tonite, and I'm being kinda lazy about it. I just hate packing, and finding thing that have been strewn about the house.
Hold Please, have to check on a kid...
Okay he's still watering. Mom's going to be so happy when she gets home!
My brother's give me a hard time about my weight, mostly because they think its okay because I give myself a hard time about it. But today it got to me, because Aba cooked breakfast and I politely declined and he accused me of being anorexic! Seriously! I don't like pancakes, I don't eat them and if they are being cooked I don't want them. I had already eaten something and didn't want to eat, and yet he still badgered me about not eating. "what now your on a diet all of a sudden? you can't eat?" I don't understand. I've been getting back into my good routine of not over eating and feeling in control again. I've got a long way to go but I'm glad to be back.
I've gotta get all this in because I don't know how much I'll be on the net over at Leslie's.
Well mom's home I've got to go to the store now!

Waiting on Saturday

2009-06-10T08:13:00.000-07:00

Saturday...
I'm meeting Leslie in Bend on Saturday to spend a couple weeks with her and well I guess her family too...but mostly just her. I'm excited, and I almost want to start walking now. I'm sure I'd get there by Saturday if I started walking...I can just see me and Oscar walking all the way to Eugene! ha! I'd make it down the block and have to turn around because I'd be too tired.

My mom is realizing how busy Oscar is, its like no one believes me that he's always going. She did this last time we were here too, when she had to watch him for over 5 minutes. This time she lost him in a matter of 2 minutes. They went in the front door, he went racing out the back and by the time she looked he was running down the road naked. I wasn't surprised. She then told me to wait till he was 7 to have another one. Who says I'm having any more?! Ohh but he's such a happy boy!! That's what I get in public...The lady at the Win-Co that we go to all the time loves him, and said "You get the good one first." Uhm if he's the good one I don't want a second. That might kill me. So now her advise is "wait" uhhh duh mom! That's why I got an IUD!
She told me to wait till he's 7 because by then I will have grown to apreciate his busyness...and if I have another one too soon it will take away from Oscar. I don't think I'm a multiple child mother...

Its been nice to be back here, my brother has been keeping me busy and I'm not too terribly bored. It has yet to be sunny and nice though here...I went from 80 degrees to 60s...I don't like it, especially because all I packed was shorts and t-shirts for Oscar. My sister in law has clothes that she has to go through to give us, because my brother's boy is 6 months older then Oscar but in almost size 5 clothes somehow. They're parents that think their kid is bigger then he really is. He was in size 6 diapers at 12 months old...that sort of thing, where I had Oscar in 4s almost till he was 2. Oh and they're already potty training their girl who's 1 and a half...Oscar has yet to be potty trained. I know!! Every kid is different!! I think its my competative personality, they bug me because it seems like they're trying to make their kids better then mine, but again it just might all be in my head.

The Irresistible Draw of Facebook

2009-06-09T08:17:00.000-07:00

That word just doesn't look right...
I have a love hate thing going on with Facebook, it has become an addiction while I'm here at mom's because the computer is in the middle of everything so I know exactly where Oscar is at all times...ha...well unless he goes outside. But anyway, I like Facebook like I liked MySpace, so I'm sure this love affair will come to an end here shortly. They have quizzes made by Junior High kids like MySpace, they have gardens you can grow and make friends, they have a world where you can get a job and buy things...all the same as MySpace. I'm already bored. I thought it was the "grown up version of MySpace" or was I just dreaming? The better thing is that I have found more people from High School on Facebook then M.S. But do I really want to have those friends? And are they annoyed with how often I post my mood swings?? My insecurities get the best of me at these times. I want to be done with it but then what am I going to go on the computer all day?! If I would just do what my mom says and just follow my kid around all day I would have stuff to do, but I get worn out doing that. She really doesn't get how busy he is...But again, it would be a good weight loss program.
Speaking of weight loss...my baby brother made me go for a walk yesterday and then made me go play basketball with our nephews, who insisted on playing one on one with me...Yeah I almost died. But its a good death. I'm slowly losing the weight that the IUD put on me. Thank goodness it was only 5lbs and not 50!! My hormones are leveling off again and I'm feeling more normal and not so hungry all the time, and I'm not stuffing myself at meal times again.

While I love being at home here with my family at times I don't feel like I should be here, I guess that's a thing about growing up...I get to thinking about my place in the family and what my roll is. And honestly I don't know what it is...I wonder if that's part of the "middle child syndrome".

Everyone keeps telling Leslie and I that we need to write a book while we have some time together...We're just at a loss as to what we would write about and if anyone would read it, because usually our humor doesn't exend much further then ourselves. We will laugh forever about something but others will only look at us like we have three heads...So really what would we write that would actually make us millionaires. And don't tell us Vampires!!

Bi-Polar? Shhmaybe!!

2009-06-06T07:25:00.000-07:00

Okay I'm going to sound totally crazy and a little bi-polar because today I am WONDERFUL!! The roommates are kicked out I'm in Burns visiting family...I would say "mom" like I usually do but she's not here she's in Bend with my Gramps...
Anyway! So the roommates got kicked out last Monday, after a big fight between a little dude who would only say "Its common sense!" and Jesse who was ready to kick his ass. It all started when: (picture gets fuzzy and starts shimmering) Jesse got tired of cleaning up dishes after the roommates and put one of their pans at the top of the stairs so they could take it down and let it get moldy down there. Fast forward to a couple hours later...Younger Duchebag and Girlfriend come back supposivily from the hospital because she somehow stepped on the pan and "fell down the stairs" She had a brace on her wrist. -Side note, I have fallen down the stairs, Oscar has fallen down the stairs; and neither one of us needed to go to the hospital. (Oscar from the very top) Anyway the Duche says "Jesse, can I have a WORD with you?" (He always said that when he wanted to talk to us, which I found funny) and Jesse says "Sure"
"You know that PAN you put at the top of the stairs"
"Yes"
"WELL Carly(Girlfriend) stepped on it and fell down the stairs and hurt herself"
"Well maybe you should look where you're going"
"No its just common sense, you don't do that"
"I'm sorry she fell"
"No its just common sense"
"YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS COMMON SENSE? CLEANING UP AFTER YOURSELF"
"No its just common sense, and now we're not paying your fucking rent this month"
"Well get the fuck out of my house then"
"Well when my BROTHER gets home he'll have WORDS with you too!"

Brother came home at around 3 am, did not have words with Jesse, didn't have "words" with him the next day either. Handed over the key without a word otherwise and they packed up what little shit they had and left. Oh they left some shit in the garage too. And a stink in the basement.

So the next couple of days of us being home was WONDERFUL!! It was quiet, there was no annoying hiss laughter coming from downstairs, no douchy conversations to have to listen to. It instantly made me go from super stressed and angry to floating on air. Jesse actually had blue birds on his shoulders and was skipping around whistling. Just beautiful!

Jesse's mom is moving in with us. Now don't groan!! I know it sounds bad but the woman is actually a wonderful person, she might be flighty and flaky but she will have a job with in a week I garauntee it. I'm actually kinda excited about it. Hell we've lived with my sister and her monsters, then with three douches I'm sure this will be just another learning experiance. And until I'm making money too, its just something we have to do.

Still no word on if they sold the house...our big problem is that we're late on rent this month because we had to come up with all of it because of the punks that left us. There is a house just down the block that should be going up for rent soon, we're going to check it out just in case we have to move. I don't want to move...

The other big news is that Jesse was found not to be qualified for the Boarder Protection Job, not because of his background, well kinda, but because he is technically a Draft Dodger...He never signed up for Selective Service and the Office of Personnell Management decided that he didn't give enough evidence to support that he didn't mean to not sign up. Apparently being a 18 year old dummy isn't a good enough excuse. So we were bummed but its not a total loss, we have come to love our neighborhood too much to really want to leave. I just don't really know what kind of evidence they wanted us to give...He graduated high school, and went to Eugene to smoke a lot of weed, of course he didn't know about the S.S. He didn't sign up for any financial aide so he didn't get notice then, he never applied for any government help or jobs so he didn't know about it then...he honestly just didn't know!

So with that, he is now going to see if he'll be elligible to become a city or state cop and go to school and take some classes, we know that he won't be elligible for government loans but he should be able to get enough in private funds. Grants and such. And he's getting away from his journeyman at work, the guy is screwing him out of way too much money and basically just being a total dickface about everything. So he's going to go out on his own. Which will be good and end up being about a $10 raise for him.

I will start my schooling when I get back, because I should have my laptop by then, I got all the materials in the other day and got to look through everything. I'm going to become very knowledgeble about medical terms. I'm excited!! Then I will be on my way to being a productive member of society again and make some money and be able to pay off bills! YAY!

So do you see how different I am today? I think I am bi-polar...
I'm waiting for my delusions of grandure...oh wait, I think I just did that in the previous paragraph!! ha!! My delusions of grandure just invovlve me being able to pay bills!
Anyway! Hopefully I'll be on again later, since I'm at mom's I should be able to keep up the writing...

Ugh, staying positive is tough work

2009-05-26T12:44:00.000-07:00

I've been re-reading Buddism Plain and Simple, to try and get myself to calm down and stay positive, but its not working. All the right speach and right thoughts in the world aren't helping. Maybe its because I'm off my meds again. Maybe I should do that, I've been told before not to go off them, but I can't seem to get my butt to the pharmacy. Oh and now my doctor no longer takes my insurance so I have to find a new doctor, but another thing, I might not have insurance after July anyway, so what's the point? I need to find one I guess so I can't get my prescription re uped for a couple months anyway because they're only $9 without insurance. That's pretty good I guess.
I've been feeling like I don't want to talk to anyone because I'm in such a funk and I don't want to hear "it will get better" because I know it will, it just doesn't feel like it right now. All I do is bitch and complain and I'm tired of it, I'm tired of myself. I'm really worried that we won't be able to go down to Burns because we don't have any money. Jesse has only worked 23 hours in the last two weeks and well this week isn't shaping up to be any better, he didn't work yesterday and he isn't at work today and its stressing me out. Ive been really good about not letting it get to me but now its building up a little too much. I don't know what to do. I can't ask for money from my parents because they don't have any. We can't ask Jesse's dad for money because we already got $500 from him a couple months ago, none of our family memebers have any money to give. And even if we did ask and get some it would only get us through a week or so. We are now two months behind on bills. The only things that are getting paid at the moment are the rent and the car. And even that is proving to be difficult. I feel like I'm suffocating. I hate being at home but I have no where to go. I can't go to sleep because I just lay there and think of all the shit that's going on that I can't talk to anyone about because its too depressing and I've gone over it a million times already.
I can't stop eating. All I want to do is just stuff my face with food all the time, I'm hungry all day long, and all I think about besides the huge mess we're in is eating. I've tried to just drink water and its not working. I got out the gazelle and started using that at night after I put oscar to bed but still nothing stops me from wanting to just eat everything in the house. I want to walk out my front door and not come back.
The only bright spot is that the loan went through for the schooling so I should be getting stuff from them soon about all my materials. Then hopefully in three to four months I'll be making money of my own. But again, its that 3 to 4 month wait that I have there that I can't stand. We also still don't know what's going on with the house. We do know that Jesse's mom is coming up here and we get to kick the roomates out and they will hopefully be gone by the time I get back from my trip to Eugene.

Uhm Hellooo?!

2009-05-20T16:55:00.000-07:00

So I'm still here, I think...

Here and around I guess. My computer is a piece of crap, you've heard this before and you'll hear it again, until I get a new one. Which should be soon!
Financial woes continue, but now I'm used to them, and it doesn't make them go away by complaining about them, we're just trying to fix our situation. Jesse is still waiting to hear about the job with the Boarder Protection, its driving him nuts which in turn drives me nuts. He passed everything so far, so now its just the wait and see if he passes the background check. I on the other hand have been going insane with hormones and the like. I got an IUD a month ago and I haven't been the same since. Its all the progesterone that is in my uterus. Its making me crazy, and hungry. I've gained 7lbs or so since I got the damn thing. All my work to train myself has gone out the window as I have no self control anymore. Oh and to make matters even better, I fell off my front step. That's right no s, just step, and almost broke my shin. So I can't go for long quick walks at the moment without hurting. I pulled all the muscles in my right leg I think, no I didn't go to the doctor because there was no swelling and no bruise to show anyone. Just tears of pain. Thank god for good neighbors. I had to call my next door neighbor because I was out flat on my butt with a crying two year old in my arms. Yeah I was holding Oscar at the time. Awesome. I asked Jesse to bring up my gazelle so I had some sort of exercise without the impact but he has yet to do it. Thanks! Jerk. I haven't been his biggest fan lately.
So for the biggest good news...I'm going to be taking Medical Transcribing classes!! Yay!! They're sending me a computer, a headset, a foot pedal, books, and then I get online help, phone help and then they'll find me a job when I'm all done!! I'm SOO EXCITED!!!
I did a lot of computer clean up today and I'm hoping that will help the internet problem so I should be able to write more on here. If I have anyone left to read it!! Oh well, my own personal diary.
I'm headed to Burns in a couple weeks for my nephew's graduation. I can't believe he's graduating from high school already, he should only be like 6 years old or something. He's going to go into the mortuary business. He really likes it, he's been working at the mortuary in Burns for a little while and loves it...I always knew he was a little off. He wants to be an embalmer!! Crazy kid. My brother finally graduated from College a couple weeks ago, and just a shade under a decade too, alright! So anyway I'm headed to Burns, Jesse is going down and picking up his mom and dragging her back up here because she can't find a job in Burns and hopefully will find one up here. I'll be there for a week or so and then I'm headed to Eugene to spend a couple weeks with my best friend Leslie, where we will drive her husband nuts I'm sure. I'm excited about this. It should be a good visit.
So this place I used to work at called Hastings here in Spokane, there's four of them, well there was anyway. The one I worked at for a combined total of 2 years has shut down. They shut down a while ago I just now noticed!! How sad. I knew they were doing bad, they were doing bad when I worked there but I didn't think they would be shutting down. It almost made me sad, but I guess that's the times around here. Which is weird with places like that shutting down they're building more shops just down the way a little bit. They just put in a Red Lobster for some reason!
Anyway back to the medical transcribing, I think it will be really good for me, because I can stay at home, it won't take me too long to take the courses and I should make decent money doing it. They said the first year you can make $40 grand which is well 40 more then I'm making now so awesome!! Plus if Jesse does get the job I can easily move around. I'm excited. can you tell? How many times have I said it.
The down side of Jesse getting the job is that we'll have to move. We really have come to love our neighborhood. We have gotten to know the neighbors across the street really well and they're our ages and we just have a lot of fun here now. The house isn't the greatest but it works for us. And if I get that job we can KICK THE ROOMMATES OUT!!!! YAYAYAYAYAY!!! But again the job for Jesse would be good because its better money then he makes now, its more consistent and its a job that won't break his body. I would really like to stay here. Another problem though that has arised is the fact that the house is getting foreclosed on. We kept getting notices and kept giving them to the rental company and they kept saying "don't worry about it" and now we got the big one saying that they will auction off the house in August...And depending on what happens we will get served with an eviction notice then. The rental company swears they have a buyer but he's dragging his feet over the price, because the value of the home is lower then the amount of the loan. Imagine that. And we thought that the owner was just someone who lived here and then moved out but no, this dude has 17 other properties!!! And they're all going into forecloser!!! What bank gives a guy loans for 17 houses?!!?! Anyway just another commentary on what is going on in the country. Rediculous. Or as the crazy pigeons say in Bolt "Redonkulous" ha! I've only seen Bolt I think 10 times now. In less then a week. Thanks to a 2 year old who refuses to watch anything else...oh wait he watches Speed Racer too. "Go go go go Speed RACER!!" That's what I've been hearing a lot lately.
Well the evening sun is burning my retinas and the shade doesn't work in here. So I better get going and check on dinner.
Hopefully I can write more later. I'm not promising though!!

Real quick while the kid's distracted

2009-04-07T10:22:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to say an appology for the last blog for not saying "I know everyone else is in some sort of financial problem" I hate to not note that, everyone has some sort of financial crisis they're going through, and at this time I just had to cry about mine and not care about anyone else. So I'm sorry about that. And I do want to say that my friend Leslie is the greatest stepmom I have ever met. That's all.

Being Butt Raped by a Bear...while drowning

2009-04-04T18:46:00.000-07:00

This is how my current situation feels like to me. Its the only way I can illustrate my feelings. A big ol' hairy bear is raping my ass, and I'm drowning at the same time. Yup. The worst thing is that we basically fucked ourselves. In my stupid assumption that Jesse would be working we paid off an enormous amount of money only to find out that Jesse would not be working and well $2300 that could have gone to covering our asses while he was out of work went to pay off a bill that could have been paid off in May. And now we are a month behind, not only on bills but in our bank as well. There's no sign of getting any money back in unless we want to be even further behind on our bills. I keep hoping that Jesse will get hit by a car while walking or something just to get a big pay off. It wouldn't hurt him that bad, and he's been through it before so really it wouldn't be a big deal to him. I also in my desparation wish him death at times because well then I would get the big pay off. But then I think, "No I really do like him around." Ugh, speaking of big pay offs, I have to figure out how to cancel that debt too. Crap. I have to get a hold of so many places!! There is going to be a lot of running around for me on Monday that's for damn sure. Do you think I would jinx us both if I cancel our life insurance policies? I don't want to be that 10:00 news story. I could see that happening to us. Why can't I be the "They won the lottery" story? I'm sick to my stomach about all this now.

There's nothing else going on, just me worrying, and not being able to get a job. Seriously. I know I've said this before but what kind of world do I live in where I can't seem to get a job anywhere? Why won't places hire me?

Ugh.

I wish I could be funny and carefree right now, but as you can see its tough going.

I keep praying hard for Jesse to get that damn job.

On a lighter note, I just fished a nipple guard out of my sons mouth. This would be funny to you if you knew what a nipple guard is...use your imagination!

The "Holy Crap" Update blog

2009-03-31T20:57:00.000-07:00

Uhm Okay, so I'm finally back to being better, although I'm terrified that I'm going to get the flu now from Jesse, because he finally got it. Hopefully we don't pass it back and forth, bad enough cleaning up after his puke...yuck.
I got back on my antidepressants after being told that they were probably the reason for my weirdness in my brain. Being off of them that is. So I went back on and now my brain is normal. huh. So apparently I have no serotonin levels of my own in my brain.

My sister has moved out and we hastily replaced her with three douche bags. They're terrible!! Annoying dorks, not nerds, DORKS. Terrible. Terrible decision. But we had to do it, we got a little scared we weren't going to make rent. So yeah. They're only 19 and 23...and they tell really good stories! I got this one today "I used to make beats, you know, on my computer, and send them to famous people because I knew their addresses and then I would like hear my beat on their songs a couple months later." "Uhhh sure you did, douche." oh supposedly he made up the beat to a song that was made in 1992...when he was three. yeah you did. I think he meant to tell me that he "replicated" the beat, because I don't think he could actually come up with it on his own. He said he did it back in 2001...when he was 11...and I didn't want to tell him that the song was made in 92...so he didn't "make the beat" I'm too nice. I try not to talk to them because they give me headaches.

My mom was in town for a week, we helped Mel put together her apartment and mom made me clean up my house too. stinkin mom! And then my baby brother Aba came to visit us and we went out to a couple bars for Mel's birthday. Mel is hilarious when drunk. And it gets better when I'm drunk, I can actually tolerate her a little bit. She lost her phone and almost got an STD for her birthday! Yay! We went to this white trash bar on Monroe because they had karaoke and Aba is fiend. He got a lot of girls that night just by singing a little Garth Brooks. ha! Its funny to hear him sing that because to look at him you wouldn't think he knew any country, you wouldn't think he knew every Outkast song either though. And he does. He's so unassuming. Mel made friends with another birthday girl, who was the exact same age as Mel and everything, she kept calling her "MY TWIN!!" I don't know if they were getting annoyed with her or not. But she did get threatened by a woman because Mel was hitting on her 21 year old son. haha!! What a fun night!

So I'm feeling better, and I'm taking walks. I now can fit into size 18!! I'm so excited! Two pant sizes since Dec! That's pretty good for me! I even walked to the Post Office today in the rain. My neighbor across the street wants to start jogging. And every time she says that I think of Anchorman and Ron Burgandy saying "We're trying this new thing called yogging or jogging, I think its yogging, its a soft j.." I don't yog. I walk fast and I sprint. And now a days I only sprint when being chased, which hasn't happened. I have to clean up my scrapbooking room tomorrow so I can get back to some sort of creative process. I don't know though, I have a feeling the duchebag roommate situation might have blocked it. Why?! Why did we do this to ourselves?! We should have held out for the Lesbian quiet couple! Oh yeah and the roommates like to wrestle...at 11 pm!!! and I swear to god they're trying to break walls down there. And it STINKS!!! Oh Oh! and then! They started a fire in the fireplace downstairs without asking if it works or if the freaking chimney is blocked. Just to see, no they weren't cold they were just curious. FUCKING DOUCHE BAGS!!!!!! I want to punch them!! Okay I got that out now.

So what else...
OH! Jesse got through and passed both the video based test and the physical based test for the Boarder Patrol. Now we just wait for the Selective Service to get back to us and then the back ground check! I keep praying and hoping that this keeps going right. If it does and he goes to training, we're going to put everything in storage and get the heck out of this house. And then I'm going to couch hop for 3 months. yay!
I better get going. Hopefully I'll be on more often so I can keep up with everything.

Apparently I'm On the Oregon Trail

2009-03-16T11:27:00.000-07:00

I'm still sick. 4 weeks now! Yay! And now I'm having paranoia and I can't remember things very well. Yeah I think there's something wrong with me. But really am I going to go in and talk to a dr. about being paranoid and not think that he'll think I'm just talking about nothing. blah. I can't even write anything. I'm sorry. Oh and I don't have internet anymore, so I'll only be able to blog very randomly. poo.
Lame

The Oregon Trail

2009-03-13T21:51:00.000-07:00

So everytime someone I know is sick for more than a couple days, I start to imagine them with old-timey illnesses. Like those from the old Oregon Trail game. Randa has been missing in action lately because she is deathly ill. Not really, but to hear her talk about it, she is. Hahaha. Anyway, when she talks about being sick, I picture her in an old prairie dress with tiny flowers on it. Bonnet and everything, riding in the back of a wagon, with her hand draped across her forehead. She's feeling poorly because of her delicate womanly disposition. But then the wagon train has to cross a river. Randa, being too sick to move, maintains her position in the back of the wagon. She promptly gets thrown out at the first bump. That's when she gets bitten by a snake. Some kindly old man drags her by her foot across the river. She accidently swallowed some water, so now she has diarrhea. And pneumonia, and tuberculosis. At this point, she's probably not feeling too well, so she sits down to rest. Then a wagon tips over and traps her legs. With her last bits of strength, she writes out a note to tell me how sick she is. She ties it to the back of a badger and sends it on its way.
If that badger hadn't been hit by a car in front of my house, I totally would've written back to her...to tell her she should have remembered her cell phone.
Really, she just has a sinus infection.
And gets mad when she realizes I haven't been listening to her at all on the phone, but have instead been imagining the above scenario with various ailments and message deliverers.
Get well soon!

Leslie Made Me Do This!

2009-03-04T21:41:00.000-08:00

Leslie asked me why I haven't posted any new pictures of my scrapbooking adventures. This is the biggest reason, because I did this one....

First sorry for the blurry picture it just adds to the monstrosity. I think I was scrapping blind or something, I used stronger less PC words to discribe my abilities to Leslie, but she's more tollerant of me talking like an asshole.

This one is better, I like the picture of him and the drum, my uncle Joe got it for him...to torture Jesse and I, little does he know, we loved it!

This is a picture of my uncles with Oscar, they love him...well they did before Melanie came and ruined everything with her "cute" kids. Ugh. Okay not really I'm being a bitch.

So the wide open space there is for "journaling" I just don't know what to write. So it remains blank. What can I say besides "Everyone called you a fat baby, but I saw way fatter babies then you. This picture proves nothing."

So there you have it my most recent scrapbooking pictures. I've finished another book today. I'm an animal!!

You know I don't speak Portuguese!

2009-03-04T21:10:00.000-08:00

So Randa invited me to author some blogs on here, to be completely unfunny and dull. So I shall begin with the fact that when I tried to sign up for a google account, my email address was already in use! By someone named larissa karoline from Brazil. As far as I know, I have not gone to Brazil and changed my name. And I don't take Ambien, so I couldn't have done that in my sleep. I changed everything into my name, so hopefully this Brazilian identity stealer won't strike again. And if she does, I don't know, I guess I could yell at her in strange Spanish phrases. Which she might partly understand. Estoy bailando en la mesa!

Convoluted Jiggle Bellies

2009-03-03T20:45:00.001-08:00

Leslie always acuses her husband of going after "giggle bellies" (women with a big gut obviously). He said something the other day about working at JC Penny, and Leslie asked if he was going to work in the lengerie department so he can take a woman's bra off in 5 minutes. And he said "no I want to work in the plus sizes." "why so you can chase around the giggle bellies??" and then she made groping gestures with her hands. She's been going to the gym lately and working with a trainer, she talked to her mom today and her lovely mom says "I just hope your going for you and not some other reason..." Like she was going because her husband hates her and will not love her until she's 110lbs. Then her mom continues and says "Well its not like you'll ever be super skinny." Awesome, I wish I had a mom like hers! I would have a way more interesting blog.

Today on the phone we talked about my boobs, and how they're saggy and when I was in the garage looking in the freezer they froze to the floor, well my nipples did anyway...and Jesse came in to help and I swung around and they sliced at him like light sabers. This was all her talking by the way, I am not this funny...then after she says this crap about my boobs being light sabers she says "well talk to you later!"

Leslie and I hadn't seen eachother in 5 years or so and we talked about meeting up in Portland to go to the zoo with the families. While we were planning this we were asking ourselves "what are we going to do when we see eachother?" "will we scream like 13 year old girls?" "No we will run up to eachother and our fat bodies will knock together and we will be thrown to the ground where we will just roll around for a while because we're too fat to get off the ground." Neither of us take our weight very seriously, this must be a problem.

I ate way too much today, it was like I was starving all day. I must be pregnant. If I'm pregnant I will change the title of my blog to PREGO RANDA PANTS! No I won't I'll have to brain storm with Leslie to figure out a very snappy title for ANOTHER blog about someone being pregnant and all the joys that come with it. But it won't be joyus, I will write all about my puking and my heartburn, and how I can't sleep and how I can't eat, and then I will tell an uncensored version of the delivery and how I hemoraged afterward and had some doctor in my hoo-haa up to his elbows to clean out all the clots. (This happend the last time I was stupid enough to have a baby). Hopefully if I do end up pregnant I will loose 20 lbs during the pregnancy again. That will get me down to 200lbs...and then this time I vow to keep it off.

I must not be pregnant, there's something else going on, it must be stress that I'm not paying attention to that is making me hungry. The stress that Jesse went to work for a whole four hours today, and still hasn't heard anything about his unemployment coming through. Or the stress that I for some reason can't even be considered by a head shop as an aplicible canditate. I would sell the shit out of glass "smoking pipes" I would! Then I would have fodder for this fledgling blog. Am I talking out of my range here? I feel like I'm talking way above myself today for some reason. Maybe its the frozen fingers and boobs.

I just got done reading "Wicked," I think it took maybe a day and a half. I LOVED IT! I never liked The Wizard of Oz, never...so to see it written this way was wonderful for me. I liked the whole story of the Witch's life and her view on what happened. I liked her version much better then Dorothy's. I never liked Dorothy or her silly little dog.
So now I'm on to "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" which is to me, if I could write a book is pretty much how I would sound. So I love it. I also started "The Time Travelers Wife" and "The Angel of Darkness" Yes I start several books so I can go back and forth when I get tired of reading one, just incase I get tired. I started with The Angel of Darkness, but then I got AHWSG and had to start that one, but then I got Wicked back from my aunt and started that one at her house on Sunday and finished it last night. But now I'm totally engrossed with AHWSG so I will probably get done with it by tomorrow. I'll have to update my "book list."

I really should put more thought into this whole blog thing and maybe get a little more organized and add pictures and spend hours a day getting the whole thing ready and then unveil it to the world for all to see and enjoy. Ugh so much work though!

"Homo Loving Commie"

2009-03-02T21:20:00.000-08:00

I honestly don't have much to write, I'm dying of the plague and this might be my last post... Okay I'm being dramatic.

My friend Leslie hates Twilight. I told her I saw a Twilight shirt in the mall and I was going to send it to her, she said she would wear it to the gym. I said people would ask her who her favorite character is and she would say "the vampire? what are you talking about? I thought this shirt was about night time." And then she would say she hates Twilight but she loves Harry Potter and that she's an awesome wizard. And anytime anyone says something about Twilight she's going to say a Harry Potter spell. But pronounce it wrong. "Alhoa amora!" "Ahora Magora!"
This was just an excerpt of our phone conversations. I'm sure the FBI loved it. They love our talks about our cat terrorists. I'm sure we're being recorded by the FBI because one day we said Terrorist over 40 times in one conversation, just to get their attention. Then they're forced to listen to our everyday banter about Harry Potter and making porn.
Our idea's on the phone range from talks of t-shirts:
"Its like gay porn but with a vagina"
"That's what she said" (which I was very sad to see was already on a shirt being sold at JC Penny)
The it shifts to things like ohh our cats being terrorists, Leslie's cat Arlowe is the leader and my sister's cat is a go to kinda cat because she gets to leave the house. They somehow get messages back and forth to each other by a very complex system of cat hair on coats. Leslie swears that she's seen Arlowe in a turban at one point in time. Tinkerbell as I am told her name is...has been spotted on the phone several times no doubt plotting their next move.
Then we get into talking about our crazy dreams which could fill an entire blog by itself. I honestly should just start my own little spin off "dream blog" which would just be my dreams from the night before. Yes I remember almost all of my dreams. And they are in color and mostly like movies. I'm not a real believer in my dreams telling me anything because they usually don't make any sense at all. Or their too real to even be trying to tell me anything. My dreams are always half lit too, like the lighting is off, so in the day time I have to have lights on or else I think I'm stuck in a dream and it kinda freaks me out. I have dreams where I was dreaming in a dream and had to wake myself up in the dream and then wake up from that dream. Or sometimes I figure out that I'm dreaming and I change things in my dream to go the way I want it to go.
Our newest talk has been about how Republicans love babies and guns and hate "the gays." And we've decided that they are soon to develop a baby cannon so they can eradicate "the gays" with babies. I know it sounds counter intuitive but most of the Republican ideals are. OHH! BURN!

I spend a lot of time looking on Craigslist at the postings in the Political section to get a good laugh in now and then. Usually there is stuff from a paranoid schizophrenic about being "gang-stalked" I have yet to google this word hmm maybe I will now!
"Gang stalking is a psychological harassment that can completely destroy a persons life, while leaving little or no evidence of the perpetrators." This definition come from gang stalking world.com. I'm a little scared to click on the link because I think its a slippery slope. I'll see if Wikipedia has anything more...
And they don't. They just have information on Stalking. Lame.

Sometimes when I say something I want to quote lines from movies. I've been doing this since high school. I tend to think that I'm rather witty when I do it because I chose the exact moment to use the line. I don't just spit out phrases. My brother has a friend who does this and its annoying, he talks completely in movie quotes but usually they have nothing at all to do with the situation. He just says them. When I first heard him do this I thought to myself "do I sound this dumb?!" I can't! And then I was listening to a radio morning show and the female on the show said that why men talk in movie quotes is because they can't think any original thoughts. And that threw me because 1. I am not a man. and 2. I swear I have original thoughts!! My best showing of using phrases from movies was once when I was with my mom and one of her friends they sent me in somewhere real quick to grab something and I turned and said "If I'm not back in 5 minutes...Just wait longer!" (Ace Ventura Pet Detective). It was a crowning achievement for me, they laughed hysterically. My other friend at school and I would have to quote the name of the movie after we said a line at times because people wouldn't know what we were talking about. My friend Leslie and I can quote the entire movie of Tommy Boy. I once did a scene from the movie at dinner in front of several people. At the urgent request of my friend, and because there were dinner rolls available.

Well this turned out to be quite interesting. I was going to write the story behind the main title to show that it just didn't come out of nowhere, but now I'm tired, and I need to take some sudafed and go to bed. Jesse actually has work tomorrow which means I actually have to hang out with my boy child. Ugh. Yeah I liked that he works because we need money but it was really nice to have someone else here to change diapers.

Word to your Mother

2009-02-26T22:28:00.000-08:00

I have Ice Ice Baby stuck in my head all of a sudden. I had to switch titles. My title was boring me. Not of this post but as you can see of the whole thing. No more talk of depression. That's depressing. I'm on to being weird and obnoxious. Yay! I went to a scrapbooking store today and spent way too much money. Its like a candy store but for ladies in dog/horse sweaters. That's what I think anyway. I have yet to get my dog/horse sweater, I'm waiting for my friend to knit me one. She's also knitting me a bikini, yeah because they have patterns for bikinis...they do!! I bought a whole crap load of scrapbooking shit and I got to work tonight making some more pages. I'm awesome.

We had our very last b-ball game tonight and the girls surprised me with a card and a gift certificate to get my nails done! YAY! I teared up a little bit. I did, you know I did. And Emily said "YOU BETTER USE IT!" and I said "Oh I will, check out these terrible nails, you know I will!" and her mom laughed for me. Seriously this was the best thing ever for me. I am so happy that I did it, my mental state is worlds better then it was three months ago, I'm losing weight! I went from 242 to 225 since November! That's almost 20lbs people!! And I want to keep going, I wish I had more basketball to play. I wish I could just keep going back to the school. We're having a pizza party next week though so I will get to see all the girlies again. We had a good season, we didn't win a damn game but we learned a whole bunch. So now I get to get my nails done and possibly my eye brows! Which have never been done before.

I've been in good moods a lot lately, and I've been remembering to tell my brain to quit it when it starts thinking crazy thoughts. I'm getting excited for Melly to move on and get out truely on her own. I am praying that she makes it and that her kids make it. And that she doesn't kill them or they kill her.

Jesse has yet to work...three weeks now! And no unemployment! Uhm why am I in a good mood?? I have no idea. The unemployment office made a mistake and they have to take 3 weeks at least to fix it, the good thinkg is that he will get all the back pay from the weeks that he called in and didn't get a check, we just don't know when that will be. In the mean time our tax returns are holding us over...by a thread. I keep looking at our dwindling supply and wonder "why did I pay off the couch so soon??" But its okay, things will work out, I have my positive thinking cap on and I will continue to do so, almost annoyingly. I'm almost ready to by a lotto ticket, we have to be one of those stories "they only had $10 left in their bank account, they found $5 and decided to make a bet..." And then we will have millions of dollars and live happily ever after! I do have to say that if we ever did win the lottery people would be hard pressed to try and find us...we'd be traveling...a lot. I think we would be nomads for a while, just so we could see everything we've always wanted to see, and spend time with people we can't spend time with now. And my friends would be well cared for, that's for sure.

Enough dreaming, I have to shower and go to bed. This cold is going to kill me. I will though, if its still around on Monday, call the doctor, I like to wait till its good and serious before bugging the professionals.

Jesus is a hobo living in my basement

2009-02-23T22:00:00.000-08:00

So I still hate my computer. While waiting for Amazon to complete my order I wrote a blog on paper. I don't know if I'll type it out though, I'm too tired of it already. Its too contrite. That's right I used that word. What? I feel like I need to change my title again because I rarely discuss being depressed, even though I feel I am depressed daily. Shhh, don't tell anyone but I haven't taken my meds in ohh about a week now. No idea why, I just haven't. I have a terrible cold. I got it from my son...because he shares drinks with me and coughs on me all night. Oh and I had to stay up with him three nights in a row, yeah that was fun. We ended up taking him to see the doctor after he had a low grade fever for 4 days or so, and I thought "its just a cold, they're going to tell me," "your crazy, there's nothing wrong with him, that cough? oh that's nothing" But the Dr looked in his ears and said "Oh! that one looks wrong!" "wait, wrong? Like how?" "well there seems to be a blister on his ear drum" "AWESOME!" How the hell do they see that crap with that thing?! I want one of those things, I would be looking in his ears all day long! So my wonderful little boy can't just get a simple ear infection he has to get something that sounds horrendous like a blister on your eardrum. Did he complain about this? No he didn't. Jesse and I were amazed that there was anything wrong with his ears. He's never NEVER had an ear infection in his two year life span. I'm very proud of that by the way...and now he blew it. Jerk had to go and do this to me. He's like his mom, when he does it he does it good. So he got an ear infection that turned into a cold therefore giving me a cold and me giving Jesse a cold. But Jesse has an immune system like no other and it will only affect him for a day or so. Me on the other hand...well I have not had sinus pain like this in my life time. I hurt. My face hurts like someone pounded me in the face with a hammer. And my nose is raw from all the tissue and I don't care what they say no amount of aloe in a tissue helps when your blowing it all freaking day (that's what she said).

It seems to me that blogs start out as one thing and then morph into another completely different animal as you go. As your life changes to does the glob, which makes sense. I think I started my blog, not to keep family updated, but to journal all my little things in life, because I got tired of writing them down on paper. I like journaling, as boring as it is because I like to look back on myself and see how I've changed and I guess to see if I have changed at all. In some ways I had this delusion that people would read my blogs and love them and be engrossed by my monotony, and then I would get paid by sponsors to sit and home and blog about nothing. No one wants to read my day to day unless it involves some sort of drama, my life contains no "real" drama. I have no life threatening illness that I have conquered to learn from or to teach people from. I have no drama with my man or my family to discuss. I could start a convoluted debate about the current economic crisis but it would be words stolen from Bill Maher. I don't keep up with politics, I don't watch college sports, I don't watch any sports for that matter. I can recite most of every Spongebob episode that comes on. I looked back on my high school through college journal to see the differences in my life, and I must say that it is pretty different. The biggest thing I see is the fact that in high school and college I never EVER said anything about having a family. I never once said I wanted to get married or have kids, or even have a long standing boyfriend for that matter. And here I am...in a committed relationship of almost 6 years. I went from one night stands to a 6 year relationship? What the hell is the matter with me? What's up with love and why does it do this to people?

After Thursday I will have nothing to do...My girls' last game is Thursday and I hope that they have fun. My first time coaching was very enlightening, I think I learned a lot about myself and I learned that this is what I want to do with my life. So I'm going for it. I'm going to go back to school for reals this time and get a degree in teaching and get a masters so I can coach basketball and become a PE teacher. I think for some reason this sounds right to me. And even after watching Bill Maher's Religulous I still feel like there is a benevolent god up there somewhere (not in outer space) pushing me in this direction. I hope that Jesse gets his job with the government, in the long run it will be the best for us, but I am going to apply for school for the fall and hope that I can get at least one semester done while he's away. Or before he goes away, which ever comes first.

Holy crap this is the most random post ever! No wonder I'm not on anyone's list!! Ha! This is what happens when your head is full of snot. You start blogging about even more nonsense.

Oh! On the "no drama" homefont, my sister has decided that she can no longer afford to live here, so she's moving out. Yeah, in a couple weeks for that matter. Yeah she can't afford the 525 a month that we pay in rent, because she likes to spend all her money on clothes for her kids, who never grow out of their clothes that they already have...She also says she can't afford the Avista bill which is only at the most going to be a little over 100, which yes might sound terrible but if the woman would just control her money just a little more she would be alright. Jesse hasn't worked in 2 weeks and we're still okay...Thanks in large part to our tax returns but still. I don't understand it really anyway, our lease isn't up till june and you know they would make us pay at least an extra months rent, so why not just stay here till June?! Its just three months away! She can't afford it for three more months! Plus she doesn't like how we want respect from her children and she doesn't feel like this is her home for some reason even though all of the shit up stairs is hers. Everything is hers. All the shit in the kitchen living room and outside. Hers. So yeah, I refuse to move. I do not want to move right now and then maybe in 9 months have to move again if and when jesse gets this job. So we're looking for roomates. I'm meeting with some girls tomorrow to show them the basement and see if they like it. That means I have to get up and clean tomorrow. Yuck. But I hope they work out because I don't really like hunting for people and the only other responses we've gotten are from people with kids, and if that happens then we have to share the upstairs bathroom with them because it has a tub. So the only moving I'll be doing, is well, none! Because Jesse will do all the moving. Oh yeah and since we paid off the couch, we're doing it again, and finally, FINALLY!! I will get a new bed and bed frame, you know in my life I have only had one bed with a frame...yeah! Most of the time they're either on the floor or on bricks. I'm already feeling grown up. And since Mel provided the table and chairs we went and found a very nice table and chair set too! All in all I am very excited about this. We might fall flat on our faces but then again, we might not! But WHO CARES I'LL HAVE A KING SIZED BED!! A bed that actually fits two large Americans!! Plus I'll be away completely from Mel's snarky little children! She's moving to the Valley. Oh that's another thing that was bothering me. When I first told Mel that I wanted to go month to month here after our lease was up so we wouldn't have to potentially move twice in one year for the fourth year in a row...She didn't like the idea of staying here into next school year because she would have to take the kids out of school...BUT! NOW...She's taking the kids out of school. Yeah. ugh. My sister bugs me.
I need to get going. I have to shower again, to try and loosen up some sinus pressure. I'm hoping I'll be able to sleep. I've only been like this since Friday I think, I'm giving it till this Friday then I'll go bug my dr. My lovely all knowing sister wanted me to go in today. "for what? so they tell me I have a cold and then I get to go home?" That's what she did today, because her kid had a temp of 99...took him and her daughter and her in to the dr...what did they tell them? "you have a cold, go home" HA! See, she bugs me.

Throwing my computer at the wall

2009-02-14T22:03:00.000-08:00

I would throw it out the window but it wouldn't fit, and it wouldn't do any good because I'm in the basement. Stupid computer. I want to shift all the money that I have allocated to get a new one. Oh that sounded so financial! We're getting our tax money but its all going to lame stuff like paying off bills. yeah LAME! Oh except the little bit that is going to replacing my glasses that I've had for 5 years...yeah...Listen to what Jesse said on the glasses subject "Can't you just get new lenses and have them just fix your frames?" I almost punched him in the weiner. Sometimes he seriously pisses me off, especially when he says shit like that. Considering that my eye sight hasn't changed in the past five years so why would I need new LENSES?! The frame is the thing that is falling apart!! I fell on my face on concrete a few years back and broke them so bad that I had to find a new screw to use to put them back together, they're practically held together with duct tape and this ass hole has the nerve to say "get them fixeD?!?!?!" Fuck off!! I wanted to get Lasik but damn that is expensive. I had no idea. I wanted to go to Positive Changes Hypnosis and get help for my weight and my nail bitting and all my other bad habbits but that's 2 grand as well, so all I want. ALL I WANT is contacts, and new frames, I'll even go with the crappy freebees from insurance as long as I can get contacts. He's such a shitball. So yeah I'm a little angry, I don't know if you can tell...do is translate?

I'm on my period.

I've been fighting the urge to just lay down and cry today. No real reason other then the smashing headache because I was stupid and drank coffee... Oh and my son driving me insain and my aunt cancelling plans AGAIN to take him over night. This time I didn't get excited about it I was only looking halfway forward to sleeping in. Can I say that I should have been one of those "childless by choice" people? I'm way too into sleeping to be a mom. And who'd thunk it I want more! I seriously think there's something wrong with me. So what did I do at the end of the day? I downloaded a large amount of inspirational songs. Songs that would uplift me. I also have some stuff from Joyce Meyer to listen to that helps. I'm so agitated that my sleeping aid isn't helping at all.

There is one good thing to report. I am now 227lbs. Well I was yesterday, who knows what it is now...it might be even more. I've had some candy today. And alot of mashed potatoes for dinner. Ugh this music is no match for my crappy mood. I hope it goes away over night or something. I can't even stand myself.

"Why do we lose by 30 all the time?!"

2009-02-11T21:53:00.001-08:00

So my b-ball girls broke me down today. I blame my fragile state on PMS...its due anyday now. The girls had a terrible game today, they didn't listen at all to me, they didn't play like they usually do and they only scored 5 points...and yes the other team had 35. But in our defense this other team was I think probably a team of cyborgs or something. And one girl seriously was almost as big as me. (5'9", 230) okay so she wasn't 230 but I swear to god she was like 5'9"! And they were throwing screens like offensive linemen! And! Their COACH!! She just sat there on the bench and didn't say a thing the whole time!! I am up and running the whole game trying to get my puppies to jump through hoops and here she is just sitting and her fifth graders were running plays that I didn't learn till Jr. High!! It was crap. And my sweet girls cried, and made me cry. So Friday if they show up for practice will be a heart to heart and sit down and talk about do they actually want to win games or just have fun and they need to figure it out because if they just want to have fun and don't really care about winning we can continue on but if they want to have fun AND win, well there are going to be some changes, we only have two games left of the season, I want to break the 10 point mark by the end of it. I have fought my deamons though all evening telling myself that I am a good coach and I am worthy of coaching. Its hard my brain just wants to shut down and all I think about is how all the parents must be hating me. I even said to the girls "Good lord your parents are going to fire me!" I get so worried about how they feel about me coaching and I know I did them a good thing by even doing it because no one else wanted to but I still feel like I'm letting everyone down.

Deep breath...moving on

My friend asked me why I haven't blogged in a while, not that she doesn't talk to me every single day she just likes to read my words apparently. Because I'm a wizard but with words not magic. I haven't blogged because my computer blows. And my sister won't let me use her hoyty toyty computer because she thinks I'll break it. I did talk her into unlocking it for me tomorrow because I have to get a background investigation thingy done for Jesse. No Dam Job for Jesse, but he did get into the second round of hiring for Customs and Border Patrol! Yay! And yes I'm doing all the work because well if Jesse was left to it they wouldn't be able to read anything it would take him 4 months to type everything. But the background thing is KILLING ME!! They need to know way too much information. And Jesse doesn't have the cleanest record in the world oh and we're shut ins so he doesn't hang out with people...just me. And of course they're not going to believe me when I tell them that he would be a kick ass border guard. I just hope his little misshaps will not exclude him. It will be wonderful if he gets this job. And we might get to move across state, because I don't want to live up north of here. THERE'S NOTHING!! But if we move west that means I have to get a job because there is no way we're living over there on one income. EXPENSIVE!

I haven't been scrapbooking lately because I've been blocked. I've run out of idea's and I need new ones. I have no idea what happend to my gigantic box full of scrapbooking magazines. I think Jesse threw them out. He would.

So I am now addicted to playing PS3 Live...its like the Sims and chat rooms mixed together. You can make your own person and I'm a very tall slender beautiful woman who talks shit to everyone. ha! But the other day I got accused of being a guy...and I almost had to fight a guy. If you can fight in cyber space. I think that would be fun. If the avatars could actually throw down. They have a little place were you can play pool and bowling and I like to do that more then anything. I like the pool...I'm getting pretty good at it. I tell people that I'm 900lbs and confined to my bed, and sometimes they believe me. Or I've told people that I'm 95 years old and somehow figuring out this "contraption." I can't do this when Jesse is gone though because Oscar gets into everything when I'm trying to mess around. Ohh the life of a 2 year old. He's the reason for my being. hah! But playing this game has made me realize that I have the mentality of a 19 year old boy. I have two new friends who are boys from supposivly B.C. but one professed his love for me that's how cool I am. They're 19...yeah...AWESOME!

Alright its late I'm tired...

Scrapbooking MANIAC!

2009-02-01T20:03:00.000-08:00

Here are the latest scrapbooking pages. Awesomeness has ensued!

Here are three pictures of Oscar in the bathtub. I love bathtime pictures

These are some black and whites from when he was little.

I was trying out some frames, I found little pictures to use them with.

I'm not sure about the color combos.

And here's just one picture of my monkey butt.

The President Writes with the Wrong Hand!

2009-02-01T15:54:00.000-08:00

I haven't been sleeping so well lately. I've been taking sleeping pills and yet I'm still waking up. Last night I did not take a pill because I wanted to stay up a little later then 9pm, so I was up all night listening to noises and my ipod. My ipod gave out on me around 4:30 and then I was stuck with the noises. I've been hearing footsteps in my bedroom...yeah that's right, I'm still being stalked by a ghost or something. You know how footsteps on carpet sounds, that soft padding sound? That's what I hear all the time...
Maybe I should back up...Three nights ago I went to the movies with my aunt and uncle. We had a great time, we went and saw The Curious Tale of Benjamin Button, it was a great movie, and yes I cried. Not as bad as I thought I would but yet there were tears. So I get home and everything's okay until about 11 when I start bawling uncontrollably. No reason, no thoughts just crying. Crying so hard that I started retching, and dry heaving. It was terrible. I cried like that for an hour and a half, trying to get myself to calm down and not freak my boyfriend out too much, then I started hearing the noises...first there were scratches and sniffing going on in the wall, and then the footsteps. The footsteps didn't start until after Jesse came to bed and was sound asleep, so I had to frantically wake him up. "was that it?" "no, shut up!" "was that it" "oh for god sakes now they're not doing it, go back to sleep" It started all over again. So I was up all night over that. Now I'm paranoid. I'm losing my mind.

Jesse got an email about that job, he was not qualified, apparently there was a clause on the application that said that you had to have a security background, but it was invisible to me. So I replied to the rejection email. Basically telling them that they are missing out on one of the best security personnel ever. I was a little upset. Mostly for the fact that I spent a lot of my time filling that out then printing out all their b.s. and no where on the application did it say that he needed a background in security...if it had, I wouldn't have filled it out. Why say "everyone can apply" when that's not really the case.

Someday soon I am going to record a phone conversation between my friend and I and write it out. I told her yesterday that we sould have a blog of our phone conversations because they consist of very odd things. Oh sure there are times when we don't say anything at all but then there are other days when she calls and says "I was watching tv and I noticed that President Obama writes with the wrong hand...JUST LIKE YOU!!!" Or our talks about the FBI listening in on our conversations because we've intentionally said "terrorist" over 20 times. Her husband is in agreement that we are nuts and that other people would find our conversations humorous. No one truely understands us though, well as far as we know. Maybe if we put it out there, someone would get us.

I did a couple more pages of a scrap book, my only problem is now, where to put them. I have big 12x12 pages but no albium (intentionally spelled wrong) to put them in. I was thinking of hanging them up in my room but I need something like a clothes line to do it. I have noticed in comparision to other scrap booking stuff, that I am a minimalist when it comes to scrap booking, I like my pages not so layered as others.

The boy child decided not to take a nap today, and I am not so happy about that, because when he naps, I nap. That's right, I nap! I don't do what other mom's do and get shit done while he's sleeping, no I sleep right along with him. I'm TIRED! GIVE ME A BREAK! This is what happens when you don't sleep at night you have to get it when you can, and when he doesn't nap I don't nap and we're both bitches because of it. So I messed around on the computer for most of the day and he watched movies. Oh I got a lot of new music that's what I've been doing. I need to have CDs in my car because I don't have a fancy ipod hook up for my car, and I hate the music stations here.

I've been a bad girl and not been able to pay my capital one bill, and they're calling me everyday. I know it's them, I'm just not answering because I don't want to hear it from them. I know I haven't paid, I'm only a week late for crying out loud. But I don't have the money and if I tell them that they won't believe me so I just go on ignoring their phone calls. They'll get paid off when I get my taxes back and then I won't have to hear from them ever again. So there! They won't leave a message though, and I know its just some guy or gal in India making the call and they can never pronounce my name and that makes me even more irritated. So that's it I just keep hitting ignore, they even called today, on a Sunday for crying out loud!! I should store the number in my phone and block it or something. I know I'm a terrible person for not paying my bills on time. This is what happens in a one income home when that one income gets laid off and screwed out of unemployment by his employers. You kinda have to pick and choose what gets paid and really its the big three, home, car, and food. Sorry Capital One.

Lack of a Snappy title

2009-01-29T10:58:00.000-08:00

So my aunt called out of the blue today and invited me to a movie. Weird. My sister has been spending all her time off at my aunts lately and I thought that I was thrown to the wayside. So this call caught me off guard, I don't know why she wants to hang out now.
I made Jesse apply for a job that will have us moving away from Spokane...I hope he gets it. It has benefits and a steady pay, after 4 years of thinking "are you getting work this week" a good paycheck is all I really need. If the guy would actually get 40 hours a week we would be in good shape, but some weeks, like this one, he well doesn't work much. Today is the first day that he's gone to work. Yeah, I think its Thursday right?
And I'm sure your thinking "Why don't you go to work you lazy bitch?" I will respond to this. I have never been able to hold down two jobs. I am a single job type of person. I take my position at a mom as a job. And I couldn't be able to go to another job as well as do this. As little as I do. I can't imagine going to another work and having to do both. So anyway that's my reasoning, plus the fact that I dont' want to work anywhere like an office or a retail place.
So since I've touted that I love being a mom, can I say that I can't stand my 2 year old today. He's being very, very 2. I just got smacked in the back of the head. He's been in "time out" most of the morning...and he claims to be starving for some reason. I also have my cantakerous 4 year old nephew to deal with too. Who insists on demanding for things instead of asking nicely. I got demanded yesterday to stop vaccuming because it was interfereing with his movie. Yeah I respond very well to demands. Especially from someone a fourth my size.
My mood has shifted, and I think I'm hitting a low. I've been very down the past couple of days and I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that I don't have a counselor to go vent to every week about my poor me situations. Most of the time that's all it is really just me feeling sorry for myself. I know this. I just can't move beyond. I don't know if its lack of sleep or the fact that I keep forgetting to take my anti-depressant, but I'm having a hard time again controling emotions, but I don't want to be on my pills anymore. I want to be rid of them so I can maybe start thinking about having another baby, because if this is what I'm supposed to do I better have more then just one kid right? I can't just have one and be a stay at home mom, how lame is that, that's for rich moms. I'm a poor mom. Full discloser here...Jesse made only 25,000. My single friend made over 40...yeah we're not poor at all. How do we make it you ask? Oh I have no secrets, we just don't spend a lot of money. We don't go to movies. We do go out to eat though, and more then we should. He would make more if like I said before, if he worked more... but that's construction for you I guess. Its better then fast food but not by much. I keep telling him to go out on his own, because then he would make more but he doesn't want to listen. So my fingers are crossed and my prayers have been thrown up to Jesus and God and whoever else is listening. Jesse needs this new job. He needs it bad. WE need it bad.

No cable day....Oh whatever...

2009-01-26T11:14:00.000-08:00

My friend keeps asking me "did you watch...? oh wait, no you didn't you don't have cable" she's taunting me and I don't like it. I've started a new book called "The Alienist" by Caleb Carr. Its a wonderful book that my friend sent me. I've been taking my time on it, and I don't know if its because I'm not used to "adult" books or if I'm savoring it. I think a little bit of both. I've been reading a lot of "fluff" lately. A lot of teen books that take me a half a day to finish and I'm tired of that. I needed something to make me think...and this one does just that.
I had an odd dream last night, which isn't new to me, but I wanted to share it. I dreamt that I went to Janet Jackson's house and she had four kids and she lived in a bunch of combined trailer houses. And I told her that I was pleasantly surprised and thought that she would be a little more "ostentatious" I actually used that word in my dream. I think that was the weird part of my dream that I actually used large vocabulary, I don't ever recall doing that in any other dream.
I took back all my cable boxes today to the cable company. I called them first to let them know that I was bringing them back. They weren't too upset that I was canceling this time, maybe its because I haven't been able to pay my bill in two months or so. I've been trying to cancel for three months, back when my bill was only $60 and I still couldn't pay that...but they didn't seem to want me to or let me. So now my bill is $300 and they cut me off..."well now do you believe me?!" I think they're getting more calls like mine, the lady was very kind about my situation.
But we finally have money coming in at decent intervals and our bank account is in the black again and all of our bills are getting paid, but we have gone out to eat a couple times which is bad, and we're not making that a habbit again.
I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown again. I think this is because I got dependent on my counselor and now that I'm not going any more I have no one outside my life to vent to. I tried to vent to my mother last night but I got no where with her.
Oh and another thing. I think my house is haunted and I think the ghost attacked me last night. two scratches appeared on my arm last night right before I got in the shower. I didn't notice them until the water hit them and started stinging...they honestly just appeared! Its the weirdest thing, and it leads me to believe that I have pissed a ghost off. I bet its one of Ryan's "imaginary" friends he's always talking about. That worries me, I watch too many spooky shows and when that kid starts talking to imaginary friends a little more then necessary I get worried. I told Jesse that if one day I tell him that I'm being haunted he better believe me...and he told me that he would. But now that this has happened he's not so sure. He asked me "what did you do to yourself?!" Like I would scratch the shit out of my arm on purpose. That's something that I would do. I forgot to tell him I'm a cutter. I don't know if that's clear enough for you but there is the phantom scratch.
I know it doesn't look like much but it stings like a bitch!
So then I was all paranoid all night and didn't sleep, which isn't anything really new but I had a hard time falling asleep. I keep waking up at 3 am too, which I have heard is a very haunting hour. On Paranormal State they call it "dead time" which is spooky. I don't know why they don't call it something else less scary.
Anyway besides my phantom scratches nothing really happened this weekend to report. I think I gained all my weight back because I ate a lot of really good pizza on Saturday. I need to do some exercising someday.
Alright. I think I'm done. I know there was actually something important that I was going to blog about today feelings and whatnots but I don't recall. Maybe I'll remember later.

No Cable, Day Two

2009-01-23T09:36:00.000-08:00

Someday soon I'll get over this no cable thing but not today! I already did laundry and cleaned up a bit...its only 9:39, there's something seriously wrong with me. So I had to come and do something half way lazy like oh I don't know write nonsense on my blog. Yay! Nonsense!!
I'm really really sleepy today due to the sleeping pills I've been taking to sleep at night...which worked pretty good last night, but kinda groggy today. I have a very short fuse today, and I can't seem to handle the four year old bossing me around at all today. Yes he bosses me around, he bosses my two year old around to and it pisses me off. I've never before in my life wanted to punch a child...but now I do. Terrible. I'm trying really hard to be a more positive up beat person but he makes that task all the more hard. And I'm tired of his mother saying how cute he is and how hard it is to punish him when he's bad because he's so cute and adorable. He's not. He's the devil, I have come to realize this. Oh and maybe its also because he looks and acts exactly like his asshole fucker of a father. Who I don't know if you catch my drift but I hate with more intensity then the fires of the sun. I seriously don't know how my sister stuck around him for 10 years, I would have been out after the first month. But that's me I guess.
I really need to clean the kitchen, its calling me but I keep ignoring it. but I told my sister I would clean it today since she's been cleaning it all week for some reason. I just haven't wanted to. I have to take care of her stinking kids for her what more does she want from me? Has she found daycare yet? No, it will be another two weeks at least before she gets them in anywhere, and I'll still have to take them to and from. Do I get a break? Do I?
Man I am such a whiny baby today. Soo sleepy.

Sad Sad Sad

2009-01-22T20:58:00.000-08:00

I have no cable. I've been living with cable for the last 5 years straight, and I don't know how I'll live without it. I've been trying to cancel it on my own now for 2 months because we can't afford it but the bastards at Comcast wouldn't let me. "oh we'll just do this for you" "yeah well I still won't be able to pay the bill" So today in the middle of Curious George it walked out of our lives. Oscar cried, because well, he's 2. I pretended to be okay with is and substituted CG with Kung Fu Panda, which is another favorite. It worked, for him. I on the other hand wandered aimlessly around my house all day. Sure I did 3 scrapbook pages but that was really all I got accomplished. You would think that I would do more with my time now that I don't have that life sucker around. And yes at times I used it as a babysitter. Don't judge. You'd do the same. We can't all be crafty mothers who let their two year old's bake with them and make messes everywhere just so we can clean up after them. But tomorrow I do have somewhat of an agenda, I do have to do laundry. And maybe I'll clean up some living places around the house. Ugh, I hate thinking about cleaning.
I am lazy. I will stand up and admit this, I've admited it before. But I will again. LAZY. My mom has even told me this. I don't know why, when someone tells me to do something I'll do it. Tell me to take out the garbage. I'll do it, but do it myself? Whehw! NO WAY. Okay that's a little exagerated, because just today I took out the garbage, but that was because I was bored. Maybe no cable is a good thing. Thank GOD my friend is sending me books. She loves me.

"Art"

2009-01-22T10:42:00.000-08:00

So I said in my last post that I would show pictures of my scrapbooking pages. I just finished another one today. My cable got cut off, give me a break! I'm bored! Now I have to look for things to do to occupy my time, don't tell me to go to the library, I have no car. Alright without further ado... Oh and please excuse the layout and the funkyness of all of this, its my first time with this editor trying to put pictures up. I'm learning!!!

These are the first ones. These are old pictures of me and my friend, back in the days of skinny...

This is my first trip to Disneyland. A succession of photos of me and Mickey. V told me it was okay to drop elbows to get close, I didn't believe her.

And this is Oscar on his first trip to Disneyland, one of the many pictures we took, he didn't like those stinking ears!

This is the last page I've done so far, this is a couple of pictures of when we went to San Diego. My favorite place ever!

Two Blogs In a Night

2009-01-21T21:08:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd make up for not writing everyday. Listen I was just thinking about "text-typing" the way the kids are doing it now. I text my friend a lot. A LOT. And I never use text talk or type. I can't do it because I don't have the brain to shorten things like that. I can shorten names, I always shorten names. In fact I don't like names that are already short, I have to have nick names. It's just the way I am. So anyway I was going to title this "OMG I totally forgot." But then I said to myself "You never say OMG unless your being factitious" So I went with the title that you see up there. I mentioned something about scrap booking in my last post, and this is important because before I had a child I never EVER thought that I would scrap book and even after he was born and my mother got my a "starter kit" I was reluctant. "I am not that creative" I yell at myself. OOOhh But I was terribly wrong. Last Sunday was extremely stressful and I didn't like it at all, so when we got home I got a bug and drug out all the scrap booking shit and I started doing pages, I got old pictures of my friend L. and I and got to work, and you know for my first attempt they look pretty stinking good, and you know, it calmed me down and I think I slept a little better that night. So the next morning there was still that bug so I did two more! One from my first trip to Disneyland and one for Oscar's first trip to Disneyland. And those turned out pretty good too. So! I'm off!! And I'm running with this scrap booking thing. L. thinks I'm crazy, and I'm going to start wearing horse print shirts but I assure her and everyone that I will not wear crazy horse print shirts until I'm 50...ha! But I will share pictures of my pages, which is funny, pictures of pictures but I have noticed on my blog runnings that everyone on here seems to be a photographer or an art-ist of some notion. So I figure I better get my artsy fartsy ass in on all of this!
I think I'm suffering from mild case of insomina...I took a sleep aid over a half hour ago and I'm barely feeling it. I'm getting a little numb around the edges but not too sleepy yet. Oh my head just went numb...weird. I hate pills.

Questions on Being "fixed"

2009-01-21T20:31:00.000-08:00

I had my last counseling appointment. I wasn't prepared for it. I thought that I had more time and more issues to go over, but I do believe that I have made great strides in the past three months. And compared to this summer I am worlds better. I have talked to my sister and she is getting the kids into daycare but I still will help her out with certain things, because that's what I do as a sister. I help.
My new quest is to be more positive in my day, which is a big task for me as I'm a fairly negative person, I know outwardly to other people I might seem positive but truly I'm negative. I get that from my dad. I want to be more positive in my outlook though. Not fake happy but really happy. That's the biggest deal for me.
I have done some good things though since starting counseling, I started coaching, I started scrap booking, I leave the house on more occasions. It is really hard for me to get out of the house when it is sooo cold. I am the worlds biggest wuss when it comes to being cold.
So I guess I might have to change the title of this blog since I'm "fixed" oh wait, I forgot, once depressed your always depressed, just now I know how to control it. I'm not getting off my meds just yet though, if I don't have a counselor to depend on I don't know if I could cut my self back on those anytime soon.
I know that I have the tools now to cope with my depression and I know that I need to start liking myself, but that has been a life long struggle for me. To be able to pat myself on the back without sounding fake or hollow is going to be a big step in my world. I do believe that I am doing a good job with my coaching, the girls are learning they're getting better every game, even though they are small strides but they are strides none the less.
the first thing that I am doing now is to make sure that my mental and physical health is first and foremost. Since my mental health has taken a turn for the better my new focus will have to be my physical health. It is not good that i'm 29 and 230lbs. I know this. My first step that I have taken was to stop eating as big of meals. My intake has gone down. I think this was a big thing for me because my whole life I've eaten big meals. I'm still working on it though. I am not there yet. My next step is to get a good workout routine.
I have also decided to go back for reals this time. I want to be a PE teacher. I want to be a basketball coach of a very commited team. So there you have it. Me no longer depressed. I have goals to go after and I've got things to keep me happy.
I will continue to write, I don't know daily because I've never been able to do that. Considering that I will never not be depressed I need a good outlet. I like to type all of my thoughts and feelings.

New Monday

2009-01-19T10:53:00.000-08:00

So since I've been a stay at home mom now for over two years, I have no concept of the days. Which isn't really good for bill paying. I wish I were one of those busy stay at home mom's always on the go with a palm pilot guiding me around. I am getting busier though. I had my first b-ball game last week and it was amazing! The girls lost by well a land slide, they only scored 4 points in the last two minutes of the game. The girl who made the point got a high five from the referee even. AWESOME!
This does wonders for my depression, I seem to be not as melancholy after the games and beyond. If only I could have basketball every day. I can't find a team to join without spending $100, and I don't have that kind of money. I find myself very jealous of people with money, not that its not our fault we don't have money, I could get off my ass and get a job but then I wouldn't get to spend time with Oscar and that's what I like the best. I did start scrapbooking last night too, which proved to be very calming after a very loud day with my sister's kids. It just proves to me even more that I should not be around them. Who knows when she'll find a daycare for them.
My new goal for counseling is to start believing in myself. Which is a very hard task, I've never liked self affirmations probably because I've never liked myself. When I look back at high school I should have liked being me, I didn't have near the weight problem. Actually I was 100lbs less in high school. Self Affirmations just feel like lies to me. I also have to stop relying on other people's opinions of me. Especially one of my very best friends...I don't do anything without her say so, which is not healthy. I even told her of my new plans and she didn't respond and all I think about now is her non-response. I know that she's just waiting for me to actually do it because I'm such a "I'm gonna do it" but then I never do. I talk big I guess.
So I'm reading through a worksheet titled "Helpful Hints for Mental Health" and the very last line says "As long as one remains dependent on others for approval, one is not free to be truley who he or she really is." And this is me to a T.
Well I better get going.
current weight: 230